It's beginning to look like Tarmon Gai'don

everywhere you go

All that is, was, and might have been, unraveling once again

With melting swords and rotting food to show

It's beginning to look like Tarmon Gai'don

Everyone's at war

But the scariest sight to see will be the Dark One running free

Out of Shayol Ghul

A good sword by your side or a safe place to hide

Is the wish of most of the world

Or a way to not fight and yet still serve the Light

As the Dragon Banner's unfurled

And the Nae'blis can hardly wait for chaos to start again

It's beginning to look like Tarmon Gai'don

The Dark wants you afraid;

Trolloc armies up in the Blight, all itching for a fight

And on each side the shadows hide a Fade

It's beginning to look like Tarmon Gai'don

Say your last goodbyes

Since the thing we have yet to know, thanks to R-A-F-O

will be just who dies

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

His name it was Lews Therin

He was an Aes Sedai

but then saidin was tainted

And the people all did cry

Oh Dragon Dragon Dragon,

You've destroyed the world today

Then you turned into a mountain

We are glad you've gone away

The world it did recover

Though many were left dead

But Foretellings started showing up

And this is what they said

Oh Dragon Dragon Dragon

You'll be reborn someday

You'll break the nations of the earth

and make the Dark One pay

His name it was al'Thor

And farming was his trade

but he caused a lot of trouble

making women pull their braid

Oh Dragon Dragon Dragon,

The Aes Sedai want you

They'll put you in a tiny box

and make you come unglued

He came into his powers

And then went a little mad

We hope he soon gets better

cause it's getting pretty bad

Oh Dragon Dragon Dragon,

Why must you go and brood

You better get over yourself

Or else we're really screwed

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Missing: sanity. Answers to the name of Lews Therin.

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Inquire at White Tower, Tar Valon.

Alright, folks, I'd like to thank you for coming to the Friends of the Dark Local 328 Annual Picnic. If I could have your attention, I've got some quick announcements to pass on and then we can get back to the barbecue and games.

First off, I'd like to remind you that while it's a lot of fun to mess with each other, I must ask you to stop with the pranks. Hiding a corpse in the houses of fellow cell members is well and good, but once you start drawing the Dragon's Fang on each other's doors, people are going to start asking questions, and to be honest, that's counterproductive. If you're going to have a laugh, either have it at the expense of someone who isn't a contributing member or make it subtle.

Next up, on the topic of officially sanctioned masks...

Our identities are important to each of us as a way to make sure that we, as a family, are not compromised. To that end, we've long had the practice of wearing masks to these gatherings to protect ourselves. I feel I must point out once more that the list of approved materials for construction of these masks as listed under subsection 12, paragraph 7 does not include items such as lacy underwear, must consist of more than just fake spectacles and a moustache, and should not be made to look like any other person. Remember, folks, it's been 48 days since the last hanging of someone who was actually a Friend of the Dark, so let us please keep those villagers guessing.

Also on the agenda are a few notes about our dear friends, the Trollocs.

Please keep in mind while visiting Shayol Ghul on vacation to NOT, I repeat NOT taunt the Trollocs. Only Aginor knows what he bred them with to get their sense of humor, but I feel that after last month's massacre of the holiday tour group, this point cannot be stressed enough. Also, if invited over for a feast, here are two things to remember. First, make sure you know exactly what is in the bowl they are offering you for dinner and, in my opinion, it may be wise to just stick with the salad. Second, make sure you are not intended to be the main course.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I'd like to mention that we're undergoing a change in management. Recently the Chosen have come out of where they were locked away and have stepped up to take charge in the fight against the Light once more. Now, as of right now, they're allowing us to generally carry on as we have been, but remember your oaths. If one of them approaches you for assistance with a plot, show them the selfless pride and intelligence we're known for.

I'd also like to point out at this time that the one change they have made is to the punishment bylaws. Whereas previously, it went from a verbal warning for a first failure to a written warning for the second and so on, the bylaws now read: "First Failure: Death. Second Failure: Permanent Death." Although, of course, in their wisdom and mercy the Chosen may simply change the sentence to a lifetime of insufferable pain and then death, as they see fit. Our motto has therefore been changed as well, from "Death Before Failure" to simply "Death For Failure." Do, uh, keep that in mind.

That concludes my announcements. The barbecue is in the back. We'll be playing "Pin the murders on the Aes Sedai" a little later, and don't forget to grab a favor bag on the way home. Have a wonderful time, everybody.

SCENE 3. HORN OF VALERE

MUSIC: (BRIDGE) MELODIC THEME, FADE UNDER

(PUB BACKGROUND NOISES)

(CHAIRS MOVING, PEOPLE SITTING DOWN WITH DRINKS)

(FADE OUT ALL SOUND)

MUSIC: (BRIDGE) MELODIC THEME, FADE UNDER

"You and what army?"

Nynaeve (points to Lan): "Is he considered an army?"

Egwene (starts to channel): "Who needs an army?"

Elayne: "Mine."

Mat: "I'm sure I have an army somewhere around here. If I don't, one will probably be along shortly."

Perrin: "Wolves or men, your choice."

Rand: "Depends on what Age you're asking in."

__________________________________________________________________________

SCENE 2. HORN OF VALERE

MUSIC: (BRIDGE) MELODIC THEME, FADE UNDER

MUSIC: (STING)

(LIGHTNING FLASH)

(SOUNDS OF FOOTSTEPS, SHUFFLING, DOOR CLOSES)

(SOUNDS OF FLASHBACK. FADE IN SOUNDS OF DOCKYARD, MEN LOADING NEARBY BOAT)

(SOUNDS OF FLASHBACK. FADE IN SOUNDS OF RAIN)

(FADE OUT ALL SOUND)

MUSIC: (BRIDGE): MELODIC THEME, FADE UNDER

This has been Part Two of "The Horn of Valere," an Ear of the World production. What is this team that he used to belong to? Was there, in fact, decent wine with dinner? Just how long will this show continue before we actually get to the plot? We'll be back after a few more commercial announcements.

Narrator:

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SCENE 1. HORN OF VALERE OPENING

MUSIC: (BRIDGE) OPENING FANFARE, ESTABLISH THEN FADE UNDER

MUSIC: (STING) DRAMATIC OPENING, FADE UNDER FOR TITLE, QUICK FADE AFTER TITLE

MUSIC: (BRIDGE) SOFT AND SLOW BIG BAND INTRO, NOIR STYLE, FADE UNDER

SCENE 2. ROOM INSIDE INN. EVENING

(Rain falling outside window. Sounds of someone flipping through papers, humming slightly. Sturdy knock at the door)

(DOOR OPENS, MAN WALKS IN)

(COINS PULLED OUT OF BAG, PLACED ON TABLE, THEN PICKED UP)

(SOUND OF PAPER BEING UNFOLDED)

(FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY, DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE DOWN THE HALL. SOFT TREAD OF FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR, DOOR OPENS SLIGHTLY, THEN CLOSES)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS)

MUSIC: (STING)

(FADE OUT ALL SOUND)

MUSIC: (BRIDGE) MELODIC THEME, FADE UNDER

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With apologies to Sweet, performers of "Ballroom Blitz":

Are you ready, Asmodean?

Uh-huh

Rhavin?

Yeah

Be'lal?

Okay

Alright Fellas...Let's Goooooooooo!

Oh, we were locked away so long

But now the end has come, we're finally free, aha

They think they'll be the ones in charge

But everybody knows it will be me

Oh, there's a man with a scowl

And a plan most foul, as his eyes burn like twin fires

And a lady in white, will put up quite a fight

For Therin is the one she desires

Oh, yeah, it was quite frightening

Everybody was fighting

And the power was flowing

And their plans started growing

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And the man with the scar

Was killed by Mashadar as he fought to be called Nae'blis

And the woman in the gloom

Was planning al'Thor's doom, as she tried to be named Nae'blis

Named Nae'blis

Named Nae'blis

Named Nae'blis

Named Nae'blis

They're gathering up their power

To serve the Dark Lord's will at Shayol Ghul

Oh they will pout and glower

If they're not the one who is allowed to rule, aha

Now the woman that's sadistic

In ways that are artistic will make you scream till you die

And the vamp in the dress will make your mind a mess

She'll compel you with a wink of her eye

Oh yeah, they did assemble

To make the world tremble

And the group started scheming

to stop al'Thor's breathing

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And a few were brought back

Cause they were cut a little slack, in the fight to be called Nae'blis

And the girl once a man

Said I'll still do what I can, in hopes of being called Nae'blis

Called Nae'blis

Oh, yeah, it was quite frightening

Everybody was fighting

And the power was flowing

And plans all started showing

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

The man with spots in his sight

Was the one that won the fight and got the title of Nae'blis

On the stones of Shayol Ghul

He'll show the Dragon is a fool, now he's earned the right to be Nae'blis

Be Nae'blis

Be Nae'blis

Be Nae'blis

Be Nae'blis

Ooh, he's, he's become Nae'blis

he's, he's become Nae'blis

he's, he's become Nae'blis

Yeah, he's a called Nae'blis

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Unsightly creatures coming into your house?

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Aes Sedai snooping around your house?

You're on your own. But use Warder Bond on anything they break!

Caution: Warder Bond can be hazardous to your health. Use as other than directed may lead to madness and desires to walk into the Blight. Caution should be used. Do not inhale Warder Bond. Avoid touching anything after using Warder Bond until after you have washed your hands. Makers of Warder Bond are not responsible for family or pets being stuck to buildings or trees. Please direct any complaints to Ter'Angreal productions, 1 White Tower Place, Tar Valon.

Trollocs sighted on the border

Somebody go and get a Warder

Chop off their head

Until they are dead

How many slices does it take

1

2

3

4...Etc.

Dragon, Dragon, gets reborn

In the Dark One's side he is a thorn

First he's Therin now he's al'Thor

How many times will he seal the bore

1

2

3

4...Etc.

Asmodean, Asmodean,

Dark One's disgrace

gonna get a

balefired face

by a Forsaken

or an Aes Sedai

or possibly Bela

wanted you to fry

Scenes from the cutting room floor: (possible spoilers)

Matrim: So that's one of the Dragons? It's rather small.

Aludra: We could make one large enough to throw a boulder the size of a man over a mile, if we needed to.

Matrim: The size of a man?

Elayne: Matrim Bloody Cauthon, I don't know what you're thinking but I don't like it.

Matrim: It'll be fun! I'll go first!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mat: Which one is your girlfriend?

Rand: Er, those three.

Perrin: Wait, three? Really?

Rand: Yeah.

Mat: And you did this willingly?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silviana: So, Mother, now that you're in charge...

Egwene: Yes?

Silviana: What're we going to do with that huge construction going on next door?

Egwene: (wearily) Oh, Blood and Ashes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING, ISHAMAEL?"

"Sure thing, Oh Great Lord of the Dark, but I'm not sure you'd survive being a kid show host. Kids can be vicious."

TBC: The Ter'angreal Broadcasting Company

Good evening. I'm Trobran Fel, and this is the afternoon sports news.

A score or more of Warders lined up at the door of the Hall in their finest, laciest gowns today for the inaugural "Dangerous in Drag Race." This new event is set to occur on a course laid around the Tower grounds. Foul was cried by some competitors when a female Warder showed up in pants and was challenged to, quote, "Be a man and put on a dress." After being approached by the judges for a quick discussion, a short scuffle broke out after which the replacement judges agreed she was allowed to compete as dressed.

The big Two Rivers Archery Contest was put on hold today when, in the middle of practice rounds, several badgers were released into the stands. Head of security Matrim Cauthon was unsure where the badgers came from, and said that Lord Perrin was personally holding him responsible until the culprit was found. There were no injuries.

There's a big crowd on the slopes of Dragonmount today, as the Ogier and channelers have finished a new construction for games and competitions. Our eyes and ears at the stadium is Jurael Kekan. Jurael, how's the big game looking for tomorrow?

It's looking pretty spectacular, Trobran. As the first major game of Powerball to be played, spectators have been lined up at the gates of the Lews Therin Memorial Stadium for the last week, which is even more impressive considering that's about the length of time they took to build it. Kicking off tonight will be the Black Tower "Lords of Chaos" and White Tower "Servants of Ball" so it's sure to be an impressive match.

Now Jurael, I had heard from the gleeman that there was some speculation about the lineup for the Lords of Chaos. Do you have more information on that?

Well, Trobran, the team captain of the Lords, Mazrim Taim, was almost pulled off the team for a traveling foul committed during practice when he opened a gateway and severely injured nearby spectators at the Black Tower practice field. It was determined accidental, however, and so officials have clarified the rules to allow for more space between the viewing stands and the play field.

Thank you, Jurael. That concludes tonight's report. Remember that there are several locations in Tar Valon where these viewing ter'angreal have been placed. Check these every morning and night for the latest news, and watch us in the afternoon for full sports coverage.

"ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING, ISHAMAEL?"

"Sure thing, oh Great Lord of the Dark, but even if we put a creamy nougat into every Trolloc, we'd still not be able to call them a tasty treat."

"NEVER MIND, ISHAMAEL. JUST MAKE SURE THAT PRESS RELEASE GETS DOWN TO MARKETING, WILL YOU?"

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and for the kids, don't forget to pick up

Candy Bubbles of Evil

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Find these delightful treats and more from your local door to door Thakan'dar peddlers, coming to a village near you.

"ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING, ISHAMAEL?"

"Sure thing, oh Great Lord of the Dark, but even if we could find the tutus in their size, I'm not sure we could teach the Trollocs to do ballet."

Greetings, and welcome to the mad ramblings of a lucid man or, perhaps, the sane ramblings of a mad man. It can be so hard to tell at times. My name here is Ireond, and this is "The Lighter Side of the Taint", a wellspring of jokes, songs, twisted poetry, and humorous reflections that are derived from looking at the world of The Wheel of Time with a mind as twisted as a Trolloc horn.

I will try to make most of the references and jokes understandable to as many of you readers as possible. I will also attempt, as far as spoilers go, to label any joke that I do with a spoiler tag. That being said, if you don't get the joke, it's either a prime example of why someone like me shouldn't channel tainted saidin, or you just haven't reached the point in the books where the punchline comes in. For example:

"I hear that a male channeler from the Aiel has a Blight future ahead of him."

Just keep in mind that I think phonetically, so some of my jokes are better said aloud, preferably in large groups of people so that they all look at you as if you have a voice from another Age talking to you in your head.

So, in parting this week, some haiku:

The Dark One's own luck

roll the dice merry Matrim

your fate is still sealed

Oily is the taint

Rainbow colors on soul's fire

The world is remade

Trollocs are dancing

Twirling like a tornado

The tutus do fit