It's been about a month since the first "Alternate Universes" post, right? Either way, I'm bringing it back this week. 

from knifeeared

Okay, while the original idea is that he checks in on Facebook, I wanted to have Mat taking selfies so I decided to go with Instagram, which is a social app that allows you to share photos. Hope you enjoy! If you saw the original version on my DeivantArt account, look again because these have been slightly...upgraded (with the addition of a few new users appearing in the "likes" section). Also, just a note, these are in reverse chronological order, since that is how the "posts" would appear on Instagram. 

Thanks for stopping by! The Light illumine you and have a great week.

It's time again for some Wheel of Time humor. I have unfortunately never been to JordanCon, but over the years I have enjoyed seeing the photos of all the incredible Rands, Mats, Perrins, Nynaeves, Egwenes, Moiraines...you name it, someone has done it! Here are a (very) few photos that I particularly enjoy.

Let's start off with the most recent Con just a few weeks ago. Best picture for me has to go to this excellent Mat cosplay:

photo from MashiaraSedai

It takes some real cojones to put on those pink ribbons. Well done, sir.

Now, if you will, take a few steps back in time to 2010 and 2012 cons, respectively.

This one was taken by Sophie Decaudin, and what I love about this photo is what April Moore (Cadsuane) says about it: "This looks for all the world like Cadsuane giving young Rand an earful of advice! "

This photo is aptly named "Nynaeve disapproves" by more2lookfwd2. I can't help but enjoy how in-character they both are for this photo!

Last but not least, this next photo is not from a Con, but I think you'll enjoy it all the same. Punnylittlepiggy dressed her dog up as Lan once, and thank the Light she did because I cannot get enough of this photo.

Just pair him up with grumpy cat dressed as Nynaeve and you've got yourself an epic love story. "Meow-naeve, you have made a place in my heart where I thought there was no room for anything else. You have made flowers grow where I buried bones and stolen shoes. Woof woof." -Lan Mandogoran

I hope something here has made you laugh today, the Light illumine you all! Oh, and can someone please volunteer to dress up their cat as Meow-naeve? I think I need this in my life.

Over the past few years, I've created "Wheel of Time Advertisements" based on the characteristics of the different peoples in the series. I thought I would share a few of those with you today. You can see more that aren't in this post here.

Let's start with Andor. I recently saw a post by csi-middle-earth which pointed out that Andorans seem to follow anyone who is good looking.

Based on the descriptions of Morgase, Elayne, Galad, Gawyn and Gaebril/Rhavin, I’ve come to the conclusion that Andorans will follow any good looking person who happens to take charge of a situation.

 

"They don’t really have the experience we’d look for in a ruler…"

"True, but have you seen them? I’d tap that.”

"Your point is well taken. I’ll fetch the crown."

Yep. Sounds about right. It could be a tagline for the city of Caemlyn, no? (Oh look at me, I do be sounding like an Illianer, no?)

Artwork by Joe Trimarchi, I just put some words over it.

I think the Whitecloaks are masters of propaganda (just like the Seanchan). In modern times, they would make some horribly ugly public service announcements. Help the war effort in the fight against Darkfriends! Buy bonds! I mean...

(Apologies for the typos)

In Ebou Dar, any self-respecting woman wouldn't be caught dead wearing anything less than a premium "Jarid" marriage knife. If your man tries to buy you some off-brand piece of junk, just stab him with it.

Finally there's the Tinkers, who in terms of advertising, I could see as a sort of equivalent to a church. They're a peaceful bunch who just want to get the word out, maybe in the form of a roadside billboard.

Is the advertising working? Do you feel brainwashed? I know, I'm a marketing genius.

Thanks for dropping by! The Light illumine you and have a nice week!

Everyone is a woolhead in Wheel of Time, and every character makes sure all the other characters know it. Some of the funniest and most infuriating dialogue happens when one stubborn fool meets another and sparks fly.

from wot-tidbits

This week I present to you "Poor Communication" and the hilarity that ensues. Broken down to the most basic components, the entire series would look something like this:

Quick Summary of the Wheel of Time

Elayne: I'm right.

Nynaeve: No I'm right.

Egwene: I'm more right.

Siuan: Fish guts, I'm right.

Moiraine: The wheel weaves as the wheel wills. But I'm right.

Elaida: You guys are still here?

Cadsuane: *Sips tea and stares* You should listen to me, because I'm right.

Rand: brb not listening to any of you

from embrace-saidar

Or there's the classic sitcom punchlines:

Adventures of Nynaeve and Elayne:  

Nynaeve: Okay, we have to stop the Black Ajah from doing bad things, and here is how we're going to do it.

Elayne: Actually we shouldn't do that, we should do this other thing.

Nynaeve: Don't be silly

Elayne, that's a horrible idea!

*five seconds later*

Nynaeve: Wait! I have a better plan! *says Elayne's plan word for word*

Elayne: *sighs* Okay, Nynaeve

from knifeeared

Oh, Nynaeve. I love you, girl, but you are so guilty of this.

Siuan:   By the Light and my hope of salvation and rebirth, I swear to serve you in whatever way you require for as long as you require

Siuan:   lol jk

from page537

Can't believe Gareth bloody Bryne got sucked into that one, but he certainly wasn't as naive as our main characters when they were lil' babies living in Emond's Field. Famous last words: "It was going to be the best Bel Tine ever."

Moiraine: Boys, don't do the thing

Mat: Bye Moirane! Gonna do the thing!

Rand: Ta'veren! Gotta do the thing!

Perrin: Arf

from page537

As a final thought, I was thinking that I would love to someday do a post (or maybe a monthly feature) featuring hilarious comments from around Dragonmount. If you post a great comment on this blog or another Dragonmount blog, you just might get featured here on "Gleeman's Tales."

The Light illumine you, have a nice week!

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories...that won't leave you alone even after you've put the books down. This week is all about those things we encounter in our everyday lives that connect us to the world of Wheel of Time.

For instance, this gem posted on reddit:

imgur

I definitely like the idea of the Green Man chillin' out, protecting the Eye of the World, making his own microbrew in his spare time.

I think we've all seen the yin/yang symbol before and lovingly thought of the Aes Sedai, but how about on your dietary supplements?

knifeeared

Is the Fang and Flame on your supplement? That's how you know it's balanced.

Here's another: "In the First Age, Mazrim Taim sought power by running a craft store, rather than becoming head of the Asha’man. Where did you think they got their supplies for making sword and dragon pins?" - Kelson on hyperborea.org

hyperborea.org

Ok, last one, and this one isn't quite so funny as it is maybe a little disturbing (or super cool, depending on your perspective I suppose) but I saw these bracelets called BOND

BOND is a tiny touch module. It can be a pendant or a bracelet but it comes in pairs. You keep one and you give one to a friend. When you touch it, your friend feels it. No matter where they are on the planet. We don’t do tweets, we do tickles. http://www.kwamecorp.com/2013/bond-touch/

Can't help but feel like these are eerily similar to a'dam? I wonder if maybe the inventor has read Wheel of Time? Or they could be the inventor of the a'dam reborn! What if these are invented in our Age and then get modified as a'dam in another Age? My mind is reeling with possibilities, someone slap me before I really go off the deep end.

What have you seen in real life that reminds you of Wheel of Time? I think we've all had something, whether it's that woman who walks by you on the street who looks exactly like how you pictured Faile, or that "Mother's Milk" tea that you can't help but mumble "in a cup!" under your breath every time you see it.

Artifacts of the Third Age are everywhere, you need only look.

Happy Wednesday everyone, it's time again for some Wheel of Time laughs. I think we all remember, some fondly and some not-so-fondly, the countless pages dedicated to the Aiel confusion and incredulity with Wetlander customs, and vice versa. I thought this week I would share a couple comics and images that poke fun at this constant back-and-forth befuddlement. 

First off, Wetlanders seem incredibly slow to catch on that every Aiel game somehow involves knives and spears.

image from roflwot

Poor Bad Luck Brian. Reminds me of the time Mat Cauthon made a similar mistake with the Maidens when he agreed to play Maiden's Kiss in The Shadow Rising, hilariously illustrated by aiconx (whose Deviantart account has unfortunately since been deactivated). 

On the flip side, the Aiel never can seem to understand the Wetlander's more, um, let's say non-violent brand of humor. Who can forget Rand's attempt at a joke in Lord of Chaos that bombed harder than the Guild of Illuminators Chapter House in Cairhien (oooo burn)? Here's a discussion about Rand's joke, if you don't remember. The deviantart user johnplaystuba pokes fun at the Aiel's incomprehension of Wetlanders in a couple hilarious comic strips.

johnplaystuba

Rhuarc...didn't find that so funny, I guess. Maybe Rand will have better luck?

johnplaystuba

NOPE NOPE NOPE never mind, sorry Aviendha. You know nothin', Jon Snow Rand al'Thor.

The ways of ji'e'toh are as mysterious to Wetlanders as rivers, lakes, and oceans are to Aiel, and so it goes with their humor as well. This concludes Wetlanders vs. Aiel, a case study. Who do you find funnier?

See you all next week!

Greetings all! I'm Minnie and I'm your new Humor Blogger! I haven't had much of a Dragonmount presence up until now other than a passive one (reading posts, blogs, etc.), but I am active on Tumblr, from where many of you might know me. On Tumblr I am also known as minnielikes and I run the blog asthewheelturns. My way of interacting with the Wheel of Time community has been primarily to make silly graphic art or doodles which you can find at my deviantart account minniearts (some of my better known ones are the advertisements for Sea Folk Porcelain and Two Rivers Tabac).

Now that introductions are out of the way, on with the show! I want to share with you some "Alternate Universe" posts, and I think this might turn into a monthly feature because there are so many great ones. Alternate Universes, or "AU" as they are more commonly referred to, is the idea of placing a character from one world into another world, or placing them in another version of the same universe--think the flicker-flicker-flicker chapter from The Great Hunt. A popular AU that I've seen in the Wheel of Time community is the "modern" AU: if the characters lived in our current world, what would they do?

Here are a few:

provided by knifeeared and failemyfalcon

Wish I could give credit to whoever this was!

Or another in which Moiraine and Siuan use Snapchat to catch up, also by failemyfalcon. For anyone unfamiliar: Snapchat is an app you can use to send pictures or video to people which then automatically delete themselves after a few seconds. Great for sending top-secret information...like news of the Dragon Reborn perhaps? Or just, you know:

Siuan to Moiraine. *Insert fish metaphor here*

Moiraine to Siuan, looking terrified of some Darkhounds.

You can see more of these Snapchats at karaburrito.tumblr.com, where there are even more Wheel of Time sketches to enjoy (fair warning, one of them contains nudity).

Although today the funnies come from Tumblr, I will also feature things I find from other sources in the future. I've been known to lurk around the Wheel of Time subreddit from time to time. By all means, if you have created something or found something funny that you'd like to share, please send it to me and I will most likely feature it. 

I hope you've all enjoyed my first post! I'm looking forward to getting to know the community here on Dragonmount.

Is there Hope for "Hopper"?

Breaking News: Five Year Old Wolf Accused of Murder

by Yondaime

Animal Rights Supporters Rally, Family and Friends of Victim Mourn

 

In a dramatic turn of events, a young wolf from the forests north of Whitebrige was accused of murder today. According to witnesses, it was approximately 12:00 p.m. when the wolf, refered to as "Hopper" attacked two Whitecloaks, Biggs and Wedge, without provocation. Officials refused to comment, but we did get a word in with several friends and family members of the alleged victims.

 

Witness: "It just came out of nowhere. Like a freakin' ghost. Biggs and Wedge didn't even have time to defend themselves. They were just minding their own business. I looked over, and all of the sudden they were both bleeding on the ground. I ran for help as fast as I could, but it was too late... Those damn shadowspawn"

 

While statutes and strictures regarding animal misconduct are vague, relatives and friends promised to do "all they could" to make sure that Hopper faces justice.

 

At the same time, friends and family of Hopper come together to show their support to the wolf as he waits in captivity. Here are a few of their comments:

 

Perrin Aybara: "What the hell is a 'hopper'? I don't know what your talking about so leave me alone. And my eyes are perfectly brown. Not yellow. That's for sure."

 

We were also able to get a comment from a co-worker of Hopper who knew the wolf for years.

 

Dapple: "Grrrr. Raarar. Roar. Garrarrrrrr."

 

Despite the strong testimonies of friends and aquiantances of Hopper proclaiming his innocence, the prosecution remains strong, claiming that this murder was the work of a sociopathic animal that needs to be put down.

 

Animal Rights activists however, remain sceptical of the story, adamantly claiming that "God's creatures would never to something like that". Animal Rights President Egwene al'vere firmly stated "What sort of a pathetic story is that?

Wolves don't attack people. People attack people. I was practically a shepherd growing up, so I know." Records, however, indicate that President al'Vere spent her childhood as the daughter of a rural, middle class innkeeper. When questioned about the inconsistency, she declined to comment.

 

Other difficult issues are raised by this occurence as well. How exactly does law apply to our mammalian cousins? According to Caemyln Amendment XVIII, "All men must submit equally before the law". Does this exclude all non humans from the law? This case brings to mind the famous "Skywalker vs. Wompa" case of 1980. This occurence will indeed be ground breaking, making headway into a unique and rare moral quagmire.

(source)

[The following is excerpted from Narg: A Memoir, found in the excavation of New Manetheren by archeologists in the Fifth Age.]

One day Narg was wandering through the forest looking for villagers for his cookpot. Intent on his designs, he suddenly stumbled over a strange round statue. Narg need rest. Narg sit on big rock for a little while...

 

Flicker.

 

Narg was surprised to find himself in the middle of a village green. Suddenly a villager shouted, "Trolloc!" Before Narg had time to flee, a dozen pitchforks impaled him at the same time. A cruel voice whispered in his head, I have won again, Narg.

 

Flicker.

 

Narg then found that he was in a very dark place. Narg can't see! Stumbling over something on the floor, Narg fell backward through a strange twisted doorway, whereupon several dozen foxlike beings viciously pounced on him... Again, the voice in his head whispered, I have won again, Narg.

 

Flicker.

 

Narg was sitting outside a large two-story inn. Next to Narg, a yellow tomcat eyed him menacingly. Nice kitty-cat, Narg crooned. Suddenly, the cat pounced on him! I have won again, Narg.

 

Flicker.

 

Where has Narg got to this time? Narg looked up just in time to see a giant rock sliding from a cliff above him. I have won again, Narg.

 

Flicker.

 

Narg looked around the interior of a farmhouse. A young man was holding a sword menacingly toward him. Narg have idea. Narg said, "Put sword down. No need sword." The young man put down the sword, but at the same instant a gateway opened, cutting poor Narg in half. I have won again, Narg.

 

Flicker.

 

Maybe Narg not die this time... Without warning, several hundred spikes came down from the ceiling...

(Source)

Sayings are usually expressions that contain wisdom or advice in them, and here are a few Wheel of Time sayings:

1. A gentling a day keeps the Breaking away.

2. Every cloud has an Air and Fire lining.

3. Hell hath no fury like a Forsaken-who-wears-white-with-moons-and-stars scorned.

4. To let the Dragon out of the bag.

5.  To make a mountain out of a mole hill (ref : Lews Therin).

6. Take the Trolloc by the horns.

7. To tie up any loose flows.

8. The Wheel has come full circle.

Adding to Ireond's initial list of rejected sword forms...

Drunk Man Spews

Thrown Rock Hitting Head

The Aiel Floundering In The Lake

The Deer Stares Into The Headlights

Put Your Right Hand In, Put Your Right Hand Out

And this is a more "modern" sword form, affected by the internet:

teh sw0rdzmn w/ skillz

There are some jobs that are just plain old stressful, stuff like air traffic controller, senior nuclear reactor plant operator, medical surgeon, and last but not least, customer service. Now imagine if they had customer service in the land of Rand and his friends (and Bela).

Phone Rep: "Hello, this is ****, representing Bigelow Tea and other fine beverages. How may I help you?"

 

Caller: "Well, see, I have this problem with my tea..."

 

P: "Which variety of tea are you having the problem with?"

 

C: "Bigelow Blueberry Blast."

 

P: "Alright...what seems to be the problem?"

 

C: "See, there was this one batch of tea I brewed for myself one morning. I brewed it into a gleaming silver pitcher with a matching silver ropework tray and a set of three silver cups, each with its own saucer that was engraved around the perimeter with tiny flowers. I had bought the set in Saldea. Oh, the Sea-folk porcelain is wonderful, but I'm prone to breaking it. Anyway, I poured myself a cup of tea. There were piping hot scones in a silver bowl on the tray next to the tray that held the tea. The basket was covered with a white embroidered cloth slashed with blue silk, much like my dress. Oh, the neckline is a bit too low-cut for some of my acquaintances, who prefer good stout woolens to that Arad Domani silk that clings to the body in such a way as to leave very little to the imagination. So, as I was eating a scone and drinking my cup of tea, the steam from each rising and intertwining together like dueling serpents, I noticed a peculiar taste in the tea: it was cool and refreshing, with a hint of mint. Of course, I thought nothing of it. Giving my earlobe a tug and my braid a pull, I remembered the idiocy of every one of my male friends, indeed every male I have ever come into contact with, or ever will for that matter. The lot of woolheads can never compete with the superior logic and rock-solid reasoning that every female in the known universe possesses. It's no wonder we all behave the same."

 

P: "Um...what was your problem with the tea?"

 

C: "Oh yes, I'm sorry. After I had consumed the tea, I placed the cup on the silver ropework tray and covered the gleaming silver basket of scones again with the white embroidered cloth slashed with bands of blue silk, much like my dress. I remembered the stout man in the streets of Tar Valon: a vendor of sausages he was. Though I know I will never see him again, I felt it necessary to familiarize myself with every aspect of his appearance and personal history. He was a short, stout man with black hair that was beginning to grey at the temples, slicked back on his head in the manner of warriors, though it was obvious he was not one. He wore brown shoes of stained leather that rustled softly against the dirt of the streets, kicking up clouds of dust that lingered in the air even after he had passed. His pants were of stiff wool, dyed green and patched in many places. He wore a leather jerkin over a soiled white peasant's shirt, the cuffs of his sleeves rolled up and out of his way. Around his neck was a silver chain with a medallion attached to it that bore the image of a bear. He spoke with a gruff voice..."

 

P: "The TEA, ma'am."

 

C: "Well you don't have to be rude about it. I was only filling you in on the relevant details."

 

P: "I don't have all day, ma'am."

 

C: "You do remind me of a lad I once knew, back when I used to frequent the palace in Camelyn..."

 

P: "Look, we'll send you a case of Blueberry tea, alright?"

 

C: "Oh...alright then, I suppose that will do nicely."

 

P: "Do you have any other problems?"

 

C: "Well, there is this one other problem I have, but it's not with your tea. The other day, I was pouring myself a goblet of spiced wine. Only the wine had grown cold after being left on the windowsill for whatever reason. So I seized hold of saidar. It was pure rapture...like opening all of my petals to the sun, for I am a flower. It was like floating in a river that tore along with great speed: resist it and you would be consumed by it. So I accepted it and was consumed by the sweet joy. I sent a tiny thread of fire into the pitcher to warm the wine. Soon, steam rose from the pitcher of gold, sunlight rebounding on the inset gems. I removed the pitcher from the stark Cairhienien plinth of the finest marble and poured myself a glass. But the use of saidar had turned the spices bitter..."

 

*CLICK*

 

C: "Hello? Hello? Wool-headed sheep-herder..."

 

(Source)

Being a celebrity in Randland wasn't just fun and games (or in Mat's case women and gambling). Here's an example of Mat's first radio experience.

Host: And welcome to another session of WHEEL FUNNY on DMRadio: Today we have our guest of honor Matrim (:ord) Cauthon AKA The Gambler, The Prince of the Ravens, The Son of Battles, The Lord of Luck, The….

Mat: I’m no Lord. I’ve more respect for myself than that.

Host: Ok, Mat, I'm happy to welcome you to the show. I have a couple of people on the line that’d like to ask you a couple of questions.

Caller 1: OMG! I like can't believe like I'm talking to you, so I like wanted to know like what's the stupidest thing you’d ever done?

Mat: Blood and bloody ashes, I would say getting married.

Caller 2: Hey Mat! Could you do your best impression of Moirainie!!

Mat: *grins* The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills.

Caller 3: Hey Mat, could you say something in the Old Tongue?

Mat: *rolleyes* Dovie'andi se tovya sagainHost: And we’re going to take a short commercial break now after the break we can continue the calls for Mat here, this show is sponsored by Tinkers ^tm (if it’s broken we can mend it).

 

*commercial Break*

 

Announcer 1: Do you feel like your neighbors are Darkfriends? Are you frightened they’ll curse you? Just call us on WhiteCloak or 2289-1953-1215-0111 and we’ll take care of it!

 

Announcer 2: Ever wanted to visit the Island of Madmen? Maybe a visit to Seanchan? Just book a cabin on the Sea Folk Cruise Liner, where there's plenty to see, on and off the boat.

Here is another filk song written by Semirhage and Ishamael, based on the 80s song "Rocket Launcher" by Bruce Cockburn.

Sa'angreal

by Sem and Ishamael

(Sammael)

Here comes the Whitecloaks -- second time today

Everybody scatters, and hopes they go away

How many Darkfriends they've murdered, only The Great Lord can say

If I had a sa'angreal...I'd make somebody pay

(Semirhage)

I don't believe in Ajahs, and I don't believe in binding

I don't believe in Amyrlins, or their stinking serpent rings

And when I talk with Wilders, of oaths too sickening to relate

If I had a sa'angreal...I would retaliate

(Ishamael/Moridin)

In the Two Rivers, one hundred thousand wait

To fall down from starvation -- or some less humane fate

Cry for The Black Tower, with a corpse in every gate

If I had a sa'angreal...I would not hesitate

(Demandred)

I want to be the one to kill him -- at least I've got to try

Every time I think about him, fury rises to my eyes.

Situation desperate, echoes of the victims cry

If I had a sa'angreal...that son of a bitch would die

This week, we have a few more filk songs sent in by Semirhage and Ishamael.

Chosen Christmas List (2005)  

By: Semirhage and Ishamael 

Semirhage wants 13 Aes Sedai to torture and turn.

Ishamael just wants someone else's eyes to burn.

Demandred wants the head of the Dragon Reborn under his tree.

To own Callandor is Osan'gar's only Christmas plea.

Aran'gar only wants to be a man,

Moghedien would like a place to hide for as long as she can.

Graendal, of course, wants another pretty pet.

Mesaana will take what ever she can get.

Cyndane wants to be tall.

Will the Great Lord grant any of these at all?

The Chosen XMAS Song (2012)

By Semirhage and Ishamael

The Dragon is roasting on an open fire

Trollocs nipping at his nose

Yuletide carols being sung by Darkfriends

And Gray Men dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows an angreal and the Dominion Rod

Help to make the season bright

Mesaana's tots with their eyes all aglow

Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that The Great Lord's on his way

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh

And every Black Sister is gonna spy

To see if Draghkar really know how to fly

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To my  Chosen and all of you

Although its been said

Many times, many ways

Merry Christmas to you...

*music* {10 stanzas}

Ishamael,

Lord of the  Chosen

Based on Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler"

From the point-of-view of the Dark One

By Charlotte

You got to know when to grovel,

Know when to worship,

Know when to hit the floor,

And know when to pray.

You never count your blessings,

When you're in the Great Lord's presence.

They'll be time enough for counting,

When the pain is done.

This is the first in a short series of filk songs written by Semirhage and her husband, Ishamael.  They are published authors, under their pen names Ciaran and Coal Corby, and host several Yahoo writing groups. 

The Dragon got runned over by a reindeer

Walking home from Caemlyn Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and Semi, we believe.

He'd been drinkin' too much eggnog,

And they'd begged him not to go.

But being drunk only enhanced his madness,

So he stumbled out the door into the snow.

When they found him Christmas mornin',

At the scene of the attack,

There were hoof prints on his forehead,

And incriminatin' Claus marks on his back.

R: The Dragon got runned over by a reindeer

Walking home from Caemlyn Christmas Eve.

(On his way home)

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

(Say there's no Santa)

But as for me and Semi, we believe.

(Great Lord, we believe)

Now we're all so proud of Cauthon,

He's been takin' this so well.

See him in there watchin' Gleemen,

Drinkin' beer and playin' stones with Barid Bel.

It's not Christmas for them in Caemlyn.

All the nobility's dressed in black.

And they just can't help but wonder:

Should they open up his gifts or send them back?

R: The Dragon got runned over by a reindeer

Walking home from Caemlyn Christmas Eve.

(Midnight before Christmas)

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

(Say there's no Santa)

But as for me and Semi, we believe.

(Great Lord, we believe)

Now the goose is on the table

And the pudding made of fig.

And a blue and silver candle

that we can light the Dragon's pyre with!

The queen has warned all her friends and neighbors.

"Better watch out for yourselves.

They should never give a license,

To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves."

R: The Dragon got runned over by a reindeer

Walking home from Caemlyn Christmas Eve.

(Minding his own business)

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

(What do you mean there's no Santa?)

But as for me and Semi, we believe.

(Great Lord, we believe)

Oh

As for me and Semi, we believe.

(We believe in Santa Claus.)

Below you will find a short interview of the immensely powerful, the personification of organized chaos, the Dark One himself by the esteemed John Lipton..

Lipton: You are quite the dramatic actor, Shaitan [the world suddenly lurches]. Is it OK to call you that?

 

Dark One: WELL, I LIKE THE NAME. IT'S VERY FORBIDDING. SCARES PEOPLE SPITLESS. BUT THE PROBLEM IS THE OTHER CHARACTERS ARE ALWAYS PRONOUNCING IT WRONG, AND THEN...WELL...NO LURCH. HAVE TO START THE WHOLE SCENE AGAIN, AND SOME OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE PROLOGUES, ARE SO DAMN LONG.

 

Lipton: Getting back to what I was saying... You're a dramatic actor, aren't you? Your scenes are so serious, full of fire, brimstone, general bad-temperedness. Classic mustache-twirling villain stuff. And your

lines are fraught with such portent. You know, like ominous things are about to happen several books later. [suddenly changing the subject] Do you enjoy working with Ishamael?

 

DO: WELL, HE DOES TEND TO OVER-ACT AT TIMES, WITH ALL THE "No! I will not be unmade!" STUFF. HE REALLY GETS INTO HIS ROLES, THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR. IT WAS SUCH A SHAME THEY REPLACED HIM WITH THAT HACK MORIDIN. RAND CERTAINLY BROUGHT OUT THE EVIL HENCHMAN SIDE OF HIM. HE'S NOT AT ALL LIKE THAT OUTSIDE THE BOOKS. ACTUALLY, HE'S BIG ON GARDENING. GROWS THE BIGGEST STRAWBERRIES YOU EVER SAW.

 

Lipton: Now I am going to ask you ten questions originally compiled by the great Bernard Pivot, whoever that was. Shaitan... [lurch] That's always fun, isn't it? Shai... what is your favorite word?

 

DO: QUIBBLE.

 

Lipton. Interesting. What is your least favorite word?

 

DO: DIPHTHONG.

 

Lipton: What turns you on?

 

DO: NIGHT WALKS ALONG THE BEACH.

 

Lipton: What turns you off?

 

DO: YOU KNOW HOW IN MOVIES WHEN THEY SHOW SOMEONE USING A COMPUTER AND THIS PERSON CLICKS ON SOME RIDICULOUSLY LARGE ICON TO READ THEIR EMAIL OR SOMETHING, AND THEN THERE'S THIS LONG STUPID ANIMATION THAT TAKES ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS AND IS ALL IN 3-D AND PROBABLY COST ABOUT TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS TO MAKE THAT NO SANE PERSON WOULD WANT TO SIT THERE WAITING THROUGH JUST TO READ THEIR STUPID EMAILS THAT ARE MOSTLY SPAM ANYWAY? THAT.

 

Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?

 

DO: I'D SAY "FLAMING", BUT IT'D BE A LIE. I CAN'T SAY THE REAL ONE FOR FEAR OF PREMATURELY DESTROYING THE WORLD. ALL IN GOOD TIME.

 

Lipton: What sound or noise do you love?

 

DO: THE STANDARD STUFF. WEEPING, MOANING, LAMENTATIONS.

 

Lipton: What sound or noise do you hate?

 

DO: YOU'VE READ THE SERIES, HAVEN'T YOU? GUESS. [points at his nose]

 

Lipton: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

 

DO: A BOXER, I THINK. OR A MAFIA BOSS.

 

Lipton: What profession would you not like to attempt?

 

DO: GRADUATE ASSISTANT.

 

Lipton: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear the Creator say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

 

DO: "SHAITAN, WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? YOU DIDN'T DESTROY CREATION AGAIN, DID YOU? THAT'S A BAD SHAITAN! BAD!"

(Source)

Ever wanted to know how much planning and discussions go on during meetings between the members of the Black Ajah? Just read below.

The Black Ajah meets in the Tower…

 

Alviarin : Welcome to the monthly High Council meeting. May the Great Lord always be revered.

 

All : *chants*

 

Alviarin : Before I begin, I want to know if I have anything on my head?

 

Talene : Yes, I see it!

 

Alviarin : GAH! You do!

 

Talene : Yes… it’s…. hair.

 

All : *laughs*

 

Alviarin : I meant on my forehead you frivolous Green! Well? Does anyone see anything?

 

Liandrin : I see a pimple which needs a good squeeze.

 

Alviarin : Argh…nevermind! What news of the North?

 

Galina : You always say that Liandrin, and I’m convinced it’s just because you want to sound cool.

 

Careane : I agree.

 

Alviarin : Answer my question. You all forget yourselves. In case you have all forgotten, the Great Master Ishamael named me First Witch.

 

Galina : Well try not to get ahead of yourself. I have been Primary Nightmare for over two decades, and that means I don’t stand too much lower than you.

 

Talene : However, for clarity … the Blight is silent.

 

Asne : I’m shocked.

 

Liandrin : In fact, I think if a dung beetle stirred its wings in the Blight it would be really big news for us.

 

Alviarin : That is blasphemy! Twenty years ago, the rest of the council would have linked and shielded someone who made such a declaration so openly, and then slowly tortured them over weeks until they died from starvation.

 

Galina : The good old days.

 

Temaile : How we have diminished since then. These days it actually requires a vote if one of us wishes to kill a Sister. The Chosen would vomit if they saw such compassion.

 

Galina : It’s time for us to reclaim our dignity. It’s time for us to become the titans of the One Power we once were. It’s time for us to resume our places of fear which we sat in the War of Power. I … vote for a move to smother defenseless Sisters in their sleep.

 

Alviarin : Tempting, but no. Great Mistress Mesaana has informed me of her plans for the Tower which will not be interrupted by Sitters who are too bored to enjoy corrupting the ajahs.

 

Asne : Mesaana!? Light!

 

All : *gasp*

 

Asne : I mean…. Great Mistress Mesaana! Light!

 

All : *GASP*

 

Asne : What?

 

Eldrith : You said…. Light.

 

Asne : I’ve told you all before… Dark sounds stupid as an exclamation.

 

Galina : We practiced this a hundred times at the last meeting and everyone was comfortable with it.

 

Eldrith : Dark!

 

Galina : On second thought…

 

Asne : Thank you.

 

Alviarin : In other news, the Amyrlin is up to something.

 

Temaile : You always say that the Amyrlin is up something.

 

Alviarin : It’s true this time, I swear. Hear me out. Two days ago she said she was going to sign an order to arrest some criminals in the North of the city. As she reached to sign the declaration she bumped the ink jar and it smeared the page. The message was clear for me…. North…. Black ink. She’s planning to purge the Black Ajah.

 

All : *silence* 

 

Temaile : I’ll give you this, it’s better than the story surrounding the wagon and the raven.

 

Alviarin : That was a legitimate deduction!

 

Galina : Or the white dress and the full moon.

 

Alviarin : I… I….

 

Temaile : Does anyone else have anything to add?

 

Eldrith : Yes, I had a dream. I was lying in bed and suddenly these strong arms gripped me….

 

Talene : I dreamed that too! And his strong arms caressed my….

 

Eldrith : *cough* As I was saying, the Great Master Be’lal pulled me into Tel’aran’rhiod.

 

All : Oooooo

 

Asne : What did he say?

 

Eldrith : He forbade me to say.

 

Galina : Then why did you raise the point!!?

 

Eldrith : To prove that I’m cool and that the Forsaken choose me as a contact.

 

Alviarin : Dark!

 

Galina : I apologize Asne. It sounds far worse than I ever believed possible.

 

Asne : Thank you, Galina. Now if we could get rid of these black dresses we wear at meetings as well as these hideous feathered black masks, we might actually be taken seriously.

 

Eldrith : I agree.

 

Alviarin : I’ll consider it. But under no circumstances are we removing the sacrificial cow from the centre alter.

 

All : Oh yes, we agree.. Yes…

 

Talene : The novices and Accepted?

 

Alviarin : Ah yes. There are thirteen new novices. Only three will make the shawl, and two of those bake cookies three times a week. The other one has black pajamas and chants in a zombie like fashion late at night.

 

Galina : I hate extremists.

 

Temaile : The cookie girls might be dark. I made cookies when I was a girl.

 

Eldrith : You poisoned a whole town with your cookies. There is a difference.

 

Galina : Just so. Let’s go for the one who dresses in black. Either she is dark, or she’s looking for attention. Both suit me.

 

Talene : Yes, I’ll arrange it. If she doesn’t want to turn, should I kill her or turn her against her will?

 

Alviarin : Still her, and then drown her in a bowl of strawberry jam.

 

Talene : Why?

 

Alviarin : Everyone will assume the Reds killed her. That will cause dissension. 

 

Galina : Trust me when I say that no one will make that connection.

 

Asne : Quite. I would like to raise a concern I have regarding the Black Oaths.

 

All : Yes?

 

Asne : Is it really necessary to have twenty-six?

 

Alviarin : We admire secrecy, Asne. You should know this. Why would you complain after all these years?

 

Asne : Well, I have been wearing them for over a hundred years. They used to be really heavy, and more than one Sister has been squashed before she reached the twentieth swearing. And…. I just don’t see the need for an oath swearing not to run around the Tower in black sheets screaming obscenities.

 

Galina : Are you joking? That’s an essential Oath!

 

Eldrith : It’s because of Chesmal that the Oath was made. She nearly unveiled us. Luckily the novices thought she was a bat, and the intelligent ones thought she was a draghkar. Either way, it was a close thing.

 

Alviarin : The Oath stays – as does the Oath regarding black ink and the West Fountain.

 

Galina : I agree. Are we adjourned?

 

Alviarin : Go with the Darkness, my Sisters. One day we will have…

 

All : Immortality.

 

Alviarin : But first we must …

 

All : be loyal to the Great Lord.

 

Alviarin : And kill…

 

All : The Dragon Reborn, and one another if the opportunity presents.

 

Alviarin : Adjourned

 

(Source)

Another product of the internet, and a sign of its madness and ingenuity (I could be slightly biased), is the Lolcats.  So here are a few Wheel of Time based ones that are surprisingly cute in a very internety (it's a word!) way.

Mittens never was a bright one.....

(Source)

Awww......

(Source)

Dawww.....

(Source)

Aww in a "I'm going to kill you human!" way....

(Source)

Points for the arrogant pose, if not for the horrible excuse.....

(Source)

To join the ranks of the prestigious DarkFriends Inc., all you need to do is fill this form....

DarkFriends Inc.

     Application for Membership

Name:

Age:

Ajah(if applicable):

Please answer the following to the best of your ability.

1. In 50 words or less, why do you want to serve the Great Lord?

2. How did you first hear about DarkFriends Inc.?

    _ friend

    _ relative

    _ Trolloc

    _ dream

    _ other (please explain) ___________________________

3. Are any members of your immediate family darkfriends? If so

please state name and rank.

4. Any special abilities or connections we should be aware of?

Channelling, viewings, brother to daughter-heir, etc?

5. Please list any accomplishments or awards that might be of

interest to Shai'tan. Include any dark deeds done, dark prophecy

written, etc.

6. Personality and motivation are extremely important to us here at

DarkDriends, Inc. The following questions are designed to see if

your personal traits are compatible with our philosophy. Please

answer the following as honestly as possible. Remember, there are no

"wrong" answers, but certain answers might get you killed.

a. Which most accurately describes your plans AFTER the Great Lord

slaughters the dragon reborn at Tarmon Gai'don?

    _ Revenge on hapless fools who crossed me.

    _ Power, power, power!

    _ Fawning adoringly at the feet of the Chosen.

    _ Replacing the Chosen.

    _ Perfectin a recipe for honeycakes.

b. Which best describes your usual frame of mind?

    _ murderous

    _ scheming

    _ devious

    _ tenderhearted

    _ bootlicking

    _ seething

    _ plotting

    _ neighborly

c. Tell me about your mother.

    _ sweet

    _ dead (I killed her)

    _ mysterious

    _ I'll tell you about my mother!! (BLAM! BLAM!!)

d. Lews Therin: Ilyena

    _ Rand: Aviendha

    _ Rand:    Elayne

    _ Rand: Min

    (careful!)

7. Would you object to any of the following?

    _ working in close relationship with Trollocs

    and other subhuman beasts?

    _ working under potentially deranged Forsaken?

    _ giving up any relations or ties with the Whitecloaks

    or Whitecloak satellite programs, including but not restricted

    to the Whitecloakettes and the Ladies of the Sunburst

    Dessert Club?

Please mail the form to the above address with a check for

$35 and the head of a chicken. You should expect a response from

DarkFriends Inc. within two to three weeks. If your application

is exceptional, you may be invited to meet the Dark Lord himself

at his luxurios abode in Shayol Ghul. If we find that you are not

fit for service, please do not disclose any of the information

on this application to others; Darkfriends Inc. frowns upon such

behavior, and we will be forced to nail your tongue to the door.

Thank you for your interest!

(Source)

Mat has always been my favorite character, from when I first joined the adventures of Rand/Mat/Perrin, and I've always imagined what his reaction would be if he existed in the 21st century; with a little bit of searching and scourging, I found some truly hilarious ones....

(Classic Mat)

(Mat and Tuon with a dash of Selucia makes a great time)

(Poor Loial....)

(Mat's Inbox...the last one cracked me up)

Everyone needs a good ice breaker, so I've compiled a list of them used by various individual and groups in the series. 

Aiel: "I have caught you stealing my heart, you now have toh to me."

       If you are ever going through an Aiel phase, this is prefect for you.

Rand: "I have real staying power, I am He Who Comes with the Dawn."

     If you ever want to show how serious you are, just do what Rand does.

Cairhien: "Nothing is happening in my bedroom, no need to got there."

   You might need to emphasize quite heavily and maybe a couple of winks, just try not to creep her out.

Tam: "The Dragon Reborn is the fruit of my loins."

    Gross, ewww, and I can hear Rand groaning when he overhears his dad using that.

Domani: (Like they need a line.)

    Fair enough....

Illuminator: "I want to light up your night."

   To be honest, this is sweet.

Anyone: "I'm friends with Bela."

   This is jackpot, it's been proven time and again that it's the most effective pick-up line, to be honest, that can be used in almost any situation....

I still love them; something about them just makes me laugh.  So here are a couple of my favorite Wheel of Time light bulb jokes.

1.) How many Tinkers does it take to change a light bulb?

     They don't. Tinkers wait for the sun to rise.

2.) How many Aiel does it take to change a light bulb?

     Aiel don't know how to change light bulbs.

3.) How many Forsaken does it take to change a light bulb?

     None, Forsaken like it in the dark.

4.) How many Two Rivers folks does it take to change a light bulb?

     About 20. Everyone on the Village Council will insist that he should take part of the responsibility, so it will take them a long time to find the right person to do it. Meanwhile, the Women's Council will be debating which brand of light bulb they should install, comparing unit prices and MTBF ratings. The plans of the two groups will ultimately conflict, leading to much use of names like "stubborn" and "woolhead".

And my personal favorite:

5.) How many Aiel does it take to change a light bulb?

     There's more ji in finding ones way in the the dark.