I have a situation!

[The Bard Babe]

Help would be greatly appreciated! Pleeeeease

 

Ok, gonna try and keep this succinct (probably gonna fail but at least you I tried)

 

Right, so, I have very suddenly and unexpectedly fallen for one of my best friends. My very best friend (excluding Starry). From this point forward she shall be known as Alison, because this about to get very confusing. So that's problem number one. We've been aggressively platonic for a few years now, very cute, very cuddly, very close, but completely platonic. It's a special kind of relationship when you can be platonic with someone you could very easily be in a relationship with, I hope all of you have experience with one of them, so I reeeeeally, really don't want to screw that up, but for some unknown reason, I let myself entertain the thought of us in a relationship, and it really stuck. I can't get rid of it. It's absolutely chronic. I think about her all the time, I hate it when I'm not with her, I'm buying her elaborate birthday presents, the whole thing. Trying hard not to, because I know full well that she doesn't want a relationship with me, because she loves me in a non-sexual way, as she is so fond of saying. We've spoken about it at length, and she was slightly horrified at the idea of ruining the friendship we have, and terrified of us ever getting together and then breaking up (she did just go through a bit of a rubbish break up as well). Doesn't stop me wanting to spoil her, and hold her aaall the time, and all of that irritating rubbish that gets all caught up in your daydreams. 

 

So that's the initial problem. Problem number 2. I think she might be onto me. I don't think she is, because I've been rather aggressive in my hiding this (read more in problem number 3). But she might be. Essentially, over the last few days, she's been extra lovey, but very insistent about the fact that she loves me, but not sexually, that I look great, but not for her, all that kind of stuff. Now I don't know whether this is me projecting several extra layers of meaning onto everything she says, her having figured out I'm into her, somehow, and trying in her own special way to let me down easy, or her trying to convince herself that it's true, which is something she does a lot. There have been a few drunk conversations, which are starting to get really quite painful for me sometimes now (being told someone doesn't love you the way you love them, however unintentional it might be, is not a fun experience), a lot of body language, and overthinking on my part-basically, I'm getting a lot of conflicting signs, and my over-analytical brain renders me completely useless in situations like this, especially when I know the person really well. 

 

Right. Problem no.3. Joan. Joan is a drop dead gorgeous mutual friend of me and Alison. Both of us, as we found out a few days ago whilst at the pub, have had a crush on her sjnce January. I say crush, because for me it was just a crush. It has faded into the background considerably since then, as you can imagine, and I never wanted a proper relationship with the girl, especially because I know full well that she isn't interested in relationships at this point. Alison, however, does, despite her now knowing that Joan does not. Alison and I hugged it out and are now wingmanning for each other, because in my panic when she told me about her crush on Joan, I definitely admitted to having one as well, and am currently hiding my love for Alison in that, which makes for great conversations, considering I am suddey super awkward around Alison, and all she can talk about right now is Joan. And also, drunk me decided it was a great idea for me to aggressively flirt with Joan for a lot of the rest of that night. Go me. 

 

Now, Joan is definitely fully aware of our attentions. She rather enjoys it, as you would, and is really not helping the situation by flirting right back at both of us. She's explicitly (if drunkenly) told us that she ships us, not individually, but together...with her. Cue deadpan stares from me and Alison. I don't know whether Joan has an angle

beyond getting all of us in bed together, which is pretty clear by this point

, but the majority of the people around me and Alison just assume we're in a relationship, or want us to be in one, and I'm fairly sure Joan is on that side of the fence. 

 

So basically, that's all really messy. We're all good friends, which is why it's bearable, but if anything goes wrong, it's really gonna suck. A lot. I don't entirely know what I want, and I'm not convinced that Alison knows what she wants either (hopefully me, but quite possibly just a rebound from her last relationship). And we're all three of us (plus an extra friend who only knows as much of this as Joan has told her) are going out tonight and then back to Joan's afterwards. I have zero plans of action right now. 

 

I also failed completely at being succinct. Sorry! 

 

Tl;dr

 

I am in love with one of my best friends, who may or may not be trying to turn me down without saying it, both of us are into a mutual friend (I'm pretending to still be into her when in reality that stopped a few weeks back-this is all very very recent), who has been flirting with both of us. Lots of ust. Drive-in theatre and sleepover tomorrow night. Help?

Edited March 24, 2016 by The Bard Babe

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

This probably isn't what you want to hear, and I don't know any of the people involved, or anything about the situation except what you've written just now... But...

 

In my experience, it's best to believe what people say about themselves. It's always possible that what they say might not be true, it might change, but they are saying what they want you to believe most of the time, and they are saying what they at least think they feel. Only they know what's in their own minds, and trying to read through their words to their thoughts is going to lead to a confirmation bias, and to a lot of pain in cases like this.

 

Your feelings being what they are, and the third party saying what she says and behaving as she does will probably also lead to a lot of pain for everyone involved. It's possible that she doesn't have serious feelings about anyone, but you do, and your best friend does, and that's not going to be easy to get around, or IMO worth trying to get around to play the game the third party seems to be playing.

 

Tl;dr I'd take a few steps back before things go past the point of no return. This kind of heartbreak can last a long time.

 

Edit because autocorrect hates me.

Edited March 24, 2016 by Mrs. Cindy Gill

[Guest]

Well I'm very bad at this kind of thing but I'd say just like Cindy : if someone says something about her/himself... it's better to believe that they are telling the truth. I don't know the involved parties but if someone had told me that he/she is not interested in a romance with me, then I would have preferred to keep it at that. Taking your time before making any kind of misstep would be the best advice I could give

 

Do you have other friends besides Alison and Joan who could help you out about this ?

[Zander?]

Be honest, tell them how you feel.

[The Bard Babe]

You're probably all right, but how do I step back from this? I'm a coward when it comes to stuff like this-I'm not going to say anything to her until I'm sure it isn't going to negatively affect our friendship, but there is a very decent chance that she's doing the same thing. The way she's been acting, some of the things she's been saying, they are her in full on sort of relationship style (I wish I could take you on dates, this is the closest I'll ever get to making out with you I've been told, you're my favourite person in the world, that kind of stuff). And how vocal she's been about this new crush on Joan with an audience is very not her style, she's usually far tpo embarassed for that. But now I'm just sounding desperate. But you see what I mean about conflicting signals. It'd be a whole lot easier for me to step back if I didn't know her so well, if I couldn't see her deviating from her patterns, and something just being off about all this. So much easier if you can just take what people say at face value, but I'm just not convinced I can. And there is a precedent for this, last time, I stepped back, I hoped, and I left it alone, and me and my then best friend (excluding Starry) danced around the topic and each other for a year before finally realising the other had felt the same way the whole time, meaning months, possibly amounting to years of uneccessary pain and awkwardness. 

 

There is a mutual friend that I could ask about this-there are plenty of people who know us both (pretty much everyone in both our orchestras; we're attached at the hip, as our teacher likes saying), but I don't want to tell anyone in case I end up having to shove this down and pack it away, which I probably will. But I guess this lady has been out with all three of us a few times, so she may have an opinion. Or she may not have noticed anything beyond the flirting with Claire. I mean, the ideal situation for my cowardly brain would be for someone who knows us both to hear from both of us that we're doing the same thing and be able to safely tell us, but that's rather unlikely. More likely, or more what I'm scared of, is me telling someone the whole story and them just pitying me for the next few years while we finish our degrees and I try not to let Alison know anything is going on, being permanently hugged and cuddled and told she loves me, but not like that. 

[Nikonis]

We can all give you our opinions on what sounds right to us however without knowing both people and seeing things first hand our opinions are really more uneducated guesses based on the little information we are able to gather from what you've said.  I would tend to agree with everyone here and, if it were me, I would tell her that I love what great friends we were and that I'd never want that to change.  You could then tell her how you personally feel but also include that, if she does not feel the same way, you will continue your friendship and pretend the conversation never occurred.

 

That gives you the chance to tell her how you feel but puts the ball in her court... Of course it also depends on what kind of reactions she has had to people professing their feelings in the past and how you personally believe she would react.  If she is a mellow and logical person who would listen to your feelings and respond by letting you down and staying friends then go for it but if you believe she would be weirded out and distance herself from you then it may be better to saver the friendship you have and keep your personal feelings to yourself.

 

Again, without knowing both of you personally and only given the little information I have I can't tell you which of those, if either, are best for your situation and all I can do is offer my uneducated guess as to possible outcomes or responses. I wish I could be of more help though I can't.

 

 

Also,

You need to factor into consideration that if you do feel the same way and date... would you BOTH be able to remain friends if the relationship didn't work out and went south.  I know you probably don't have the answers, or why would you ask us, though unfortunately I don't think I'd be much help other than wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Guest]

Honesty is the best policy, imo. I would recommend you tell her how you feel (knowing full well how hard it is!) and then take a step back. Just take a week off. It's hard, but it's worth it. Take a week. Your mind will be clearer, and you'll probably still like her but that will have given her time to get used to the idea too.

 

How she feels then is completely her choice, but at least you've been honest and you have given her time to think.

 

I think it's important to mention that being honest about this will not necessarily break your friendship. She's your friend for a reason. And she'll stay your friend for the same reasons.

[Guest]

*gives a big hug to BB*

 

you have all our support! whatever happens and whatever you decide

 

 

 

i could slay a goat for good luck .. .but i am not sure my neighbours will approve

 

 

[The Bard Babe]

Thanks for the advice and the support guys. Those other two girls are dating now. My best friend just sat me down and said they didn't want to do anything until they'd spoken to me about it. And I lied through my teeth and gave them my blessing because whatever the situation is, I'm a ridiculous coward and nothing matters more to me than her happiness, and I don't ever want to be an obstacle to that. 

[The Bard Babe]

And I could really use some hugs right now. 

[Nikonis]

Sorry,

I know how rough it can be watching a girl you like in that way date someone else. It will get easier but, unfortunately, probably only after a while. **big virtual hug**

 

And sorry to add in such a rough time but if what you said earlier is true about the one shipping all three of you together, I would be careful if either asked you to join them and kindly deny. It would likely only hurt you and lead to more issues plus, if the other person got that, would she remain in the relationship with your friend/crush or break off once she got when she wanted, likely hurting both of you and causing awkwardness between all three of you. Maybe or maybe not but I'd still be extremely cautious about the possibility and deny the offer.

 

**More virtual hugs**

[Sooh]

*hugs BB*

 

Sorry sweetie.

[Guest]

*huggles BB*

[Guest]

Good luck. I can think of nothing worse than loving someone and not being loved in return.

 

*hugs*

[WolfbrotherKronos]

*hugs*

 

I know how hard that is.

[The Bard Babe]

*massive hugs for all of you* Thanks for letting me rant at you guys. :) I love you all.