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DRAGONMOUNT

A WHEEL OF TIME COMMUNITY
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Ryrin

Holiday Depression

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I noticed that there are people struggling this time of year.  I put this in the Hall because I would like it more private.

 

My yoga teacher is a psychiatrist.  He says this is the busiest time of year for him.

 

If you feel like sharing, please do.  Hopefully, we'll be able to provide some support.

 

 

We were supposed to go to Seattle for Thanksgiving with my in laws.  We had such a good time with them last year.  My 25 year old son moved to Seattle and is making a life there.  All of us were so looking forward to it.  My father in law was doing well (despite bone cancer) and it was in check.  Then he had a heart attack.  While in the hospital he acquired pneumonia and a staph infection.  He was just moved to a rehab facility.  He is alert but has a ventilator in his throat and a G-Tube.  It's slow going but he is expected to make a recovery and go home.

 

This just made everyone so sad.  My husband went up for a week.  My father in law is asking for my son but he works all week and this weekend has his reserve military duty.

 

I call every other day and text with my mother-in-law.

 

I'm plodding along at work, talking to my friends, spending relaxing time at home, and preparing for Chanukah.  I just so want more time with my father in law and not in a hospital.

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Sleep. I have a harder time of it now.

 

Every day turns toward to night and night turns toward day and the whole thing is spinning farther and farther away from the unreachable country. That there was a time before difficulty, before the knowledge of innocence, the awareness of fragility - every time we turn to sleep we move inexplicably farther. It is our human business to age and it is our human business to die, to suffer heartache, to know regret, to lose something to the cost of pride. It is our human business to die and we practice that every night. I miss my grandmother. What was it like?

 

I hate the holidays because it is all a reminder that we lose people, not just to death but to memory. That we lose time and replace joy with worry, bliss with stress, life with toil. That every box with gifts is worthless if there is no one to love and to be loved by, that silly trinkets become so much stranger and ever more lovely when their point of origin is absent, taken from us by age and replaced with barest memory.

 

I stopped being able to put up a tree with my family years ago. Taking it down is worse. I don't know why.

 

Maybe I do. Maybe I just said it. That Ilive in fear and pushing it away makes it easier.

 

Flickering tosspots, I'm crying. Sorry.

Edited by Wren Sedai

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I know that the fears which ring and wrack are amplified by my depression brain but it doesn't make it any easier.

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No, it doesn't make it any easier.  Know that you have friends who love and care about you both here and other places.  If the losses are due to another's choice, those voids can often be filled, if you let them.  I've turned friends into family.

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I haven't lost anyone to choice.

 

Yet.

 

And I hope I never have to.

 

It's really more knowing that my parents are getting older and so am I. My childhood is well in the past and I have no idea what the future will bring. The holidays make me feel helpless.

Edited by Wren Sedai

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*Hugs Wren and Ryrin*

 

Not being near loved ones can be really painful, especially during the holidays. 

Waiting to find that special someone can be painful, too. And family stress is horrible this time of year. What is it about the holidays that makes people act their worst?

You both have a DM family that loves you - myself included. I don't reach out much, but you both are people I want to know better. 

 

My depression isn't holiday related. The holiday stuff is going along just fine. I don't celebrate with family, outside my children, and haven't for years. I don't really like my family of origin. I'm so different from them. So that's not it either. 

 

My depression springs from a couple of places. My daughter moved out. I had one son living in the garage, in the heat and cold, and another sleeping in the walk-in pantry. I decided to give the room to the one sleeping in the garage. The other son was upset that I wasn't taking the garage away from him. He has a lot of friends over, and I don't want them all over my house. I mean a lot of friends. So, he and his friends can hang out in the garage (mancave) and he can sleep in the comfort of the house. Did I mention that he's going to be paying the bills while I await the final decision from disability? If I get a job now, I will have wasted all my effort to date. Anyway, the other sons threw a fit that I was letting him have "two rooms" and the pantry one moved out in the middle of the night. (He was on my daughter's lease, but had decided not to move in.) 

 

That was a long story to say that family drama hit me pretty hard. My kids have always all gotten along with me. Well, not all the teenage years, but all the adult ones. 

 

And then, I'm beginning a relationship with a wonderful man. Things usually go very well between us. Then he got kidney stones. The pain pills are causing him to have depression and we aren't talking hardly at all now, and then only by text. I get it. I really do. Some people withdraw when they have depression. Me? I want to cry all over his shoulder. That's how I cope with depression. 

 

So, those are my reasons for my depression. The situation with my son is better now. The Holidays should be okay. Thanksgiving was. I'm still shocked and disturbed by it all happening, though. That doesn't go away so quickly. 

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I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

 

We had some family drama with two of my husband's siblings and they acted like 5 year olds.  My husband and son dealt with them when my father in law was sick.

 

 I was really stressed out because the shootings at Inland Empire happened at a sister office of mine.  I've been thinking of their families.  We've been talking about it and our Director came around to each of us to see how we were doing.

 

Is there anything you do that makes you feel better? 

 

Snuggling with my dogs or walking them makes me feel better.  Talking to friends and sometimes just being alone, sitting in my recliner, watching funny youtube videos does it for me.  Tea and hot chocolate.

Edited by Ryrin

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Well, I did tell my man that while I do understand, I'm feeling abandoned. We'll see what sort of reaction that gets if any. Regardless, I did what's healthy for me, and I can be proud of that. 

 

And yeah, spending time with my cats and dogs helps some. 

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Oh, another factor to my depression was having a cold, which caused me to avoid people, so as not to get them sick. I've felt pretty alone. I'm almost recovered now, and I need to get out with friends. 

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My husband caught some kind of virus. He's almost never sick.

 

Today he's feeling better. I needed to do something good for myself. We went and saw Mockingjay, took the dogs for a walk and made a nice stir fry for dinner. It's just what we both needed. I got my hair trimmed and my younger son raked up all the leaves. I read half of Jason's book. Tomorrow Chanukah starts and we are invited over to a friend's tomorrow night.

 

I have to consciously plan things that make me feel relaxed.

 

I hate colds and I'm glad yours is better. Spending time with friends can be replenishing.

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Not sure.  I wanted it more private in the Hall rather than the Tower where everyone can see it.

 

It's always slow at this time of year.

 

Are you thinking maybe a link in the WT & W would be useful?

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I'm not saying much more in this thread because I'm trying to keep my head out of the spiral. I started a new workout routine last week to stay active. It's too easy to fall apart if I'm already lethargic.

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Its slower in my winter, your summer and that's worse.  Definitely got the blues but it is not depression.

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i dont really have this problem - holidays in the past were always the happiest times for me because made me feel like i had signficance and value. today its somewhat the same but now i can get nervous to the point of panic because i might have to perform or talk in a ceremony in front of others but i dont think i would call that depression.

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