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Green Ajah Festival of Lights - Day of Contemplation 2013


LilyElizabeth
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As we approach the beginning of the new year, let us reflect on 2013. How has 2013 been for you? What have been your ups? Your downs? 

 

And, looking forward to 2014 - what are your hopes and plans for the coming year?

Edited by LilyElizabeth
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year already is endded on our calendar few days ago. wasnnt a very good year, somewhat wonder where i was fior most of it because seemd like i was on anothre planet, my head ws so messe up. Lots of things hapened, including a kidney infection somtime arond april thatt got out of hand and envtuly had to get transplant and a spinal infection discovred in end of july that evntualy needed surgry for and ive been incomplet paraplegic since thenn, thuogh Ive been goin to physicall therapy and i am slowly geting to where i can stand up on my own. bein on lot of painkiler and things besids having mentall problms has sort of made memoryy full of holes and like i said, feell like i was somrwhere else lot of times. I dnt remember if i was diagnosd as bipolar last yearr or the year befoer but i know i defintly got diagnosd with hgh-functioning autism/aspergers last year, 2013 i maen if that wasnt clear, and my section in the hospital i was diagnosed with psychosis disorde NOS, with the guy saying I cuold posibly be schizophrenic but he didnt want to give me thatt diagnosis with all the oher things going on in my head like th brain tumour.

 

Ran awayy friom evrything fior severall days once becuse felt like jsut wantd to sit somwhere and die, thoght about suicide often and for long while didnt want to continue cancer treatmnt becuse felt it wouldnt make a diference and I wasnt worth it anyway, didnt want pain anymore, didnt make things easier on mysellf in tht i was often in mindset to hurt othr people but above al mysellf so i cut mysellf alot and burned mysellf, and I guess maybe can see how that seems like on another planet, realy takes indescrible sort of mind to do thatt to yourself. i was sectioned for tryin to kill myself and for aparrently hallucinating and it was during that stay fuond out i had the spinal infectionn so sort of became a medicall stay after that for cuople months rather than for mental reasons. 

 

It was during that hospitall stay thogh that i had vision that helpd me start puttin things back togethr and coping bettr with my situation. Things have started geting littlle clearer thogh its still hard, somtimes still feel like im not here and I break down for one reson or another but Im ok with that, I know Im supposd to suffer now, its kind of waht i signed on for when I joined the priesthood though didnt realise it back then. I got my first order in the priesthood just on Samhain, and I ran all the ceremonies for the solstice just a few days ago, and so felt very proud of myself, fellt like all the times I felt like I was an embarasment to the priesthoodd werent true because I did well. Even my father said he ws proud of me. Ive been off my psych medicine for around two months now and thuogh it was realy hard at first I seem to be geting on ok all thing consider and I know longer hav to feel ashamed taking those medicines becuse I dont take them anymore like I just said. My relativs promised they wuoldnt ever make me see anyone fior mental health agin becuse theyve seen its obviusly a crock, the onlly thing I accept now that applies to me is autistic, not al their other crap. im not going to be pathologised for being unique and seing spirits and hidden things others cant/ 

 

I defintly was an idiot when i decided to join priesthood year before last because didnt really understand at all wat it was about and how serious it was, but Im glad I didnt know becse I wouldnt have wanted to work to become a druid and then I wouldnnt have been able become this person who I think is better than I was. All in all I think things now are looking up. I thuoght my father was goin to die becuse of an blood infection but he recovered and found out he has cirrhosis and so now he cantt drink anymore, the lattre of which is good. I have a chance to recover least some abilityy to walk so thats good. Im restarting chemo and radition next week so i guess thats good too. Im in a relationshp with my mentor in the priesthood, im not abashd to say, ad thats good. So this new year i hope I will recover ability to walk and continue to grow as a priest and finally beat my cancer, or at lest live long enough to see my sons seventhh birthday which is specil birthday for him. I hope alos my mind will get better but if not thats ok, I can cope where I am now.

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I've had two major spinal surgeries in 10 months.  While I dreaded them, I realize I am very fortunate to live where I do and to have access to highly skilled medical professionals.  I am returning to work next week (1.2.14) with no restrictions.  

 

My son is in the U.S. Air Force and it looks like he will be getting transferred in 2014 to a base that is under the Air Force Combat Command so there is a possibility he may get deployed.

 

I have a family, friends. a good job and wonderful animals.  I hope to run with that in 2014 and not be subjected to any more medical drama.

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Seeing what i read up here, i don't think i can really complain about my year. I have had some up, many downs, but i manage eventually to stand up and fight, and all in all i have (almost) no regrets.

 

I hope ur 2014 will be better than last year and  i wish u all the best.

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There have been many ups and downs this year for me but I think that overall, I'll mark this year as a successful one. My son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder but has been making wonderful progress across the board. I was named Captain General of the Ajah I love, it makes me very happy to be here for all my wonderful ladies. I experienced both grief and joy. I think that I've matured more this year than the past 26. I am thankful for every year I can get, and I'll take the bad in stride because I know that there will be good as well.

 

I have a couple of resolutions - go back to school and get healthy.

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213 has been an absolute great year for me as I became a father of a little princess. Right from supporting my wife during her pregnancy to playing and taking care of the kid, it has been a wonderful experience. Of course, this has cut into my gaming and forum time a bit but well, to gain something you need to lose something :)

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There have been many ups and downs this year for me but I think that overall, I'll mark this year as a successful one. My son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder but has been making wonderful progress across the board. I was named Captain General of the Ajah I love, it makes me very happy to be here for all my wonderful ladies. I experienced both grief and joy. I think that I've matured more this year than the past 26. I am thankful for every year I can get, and I'll take the bad in stride because I know that there will be good as well.

 

I have a couple of resolutions - go back to school and get healthy.

My son Caide is almost 10 and he has Autism as well, if you ever wanna talk about it I'm here for you!!

 

This year I had my beautiful little girl Anya which is an UP, but have also been through a lot of rough periods with medical stuff with my daughter Rhianna (9yrs) she has an extremely rare condition where lymphnodes went all rogue, grew out of control, pushed together all around her intestines and blood vessels creating one large tumor that's not operable and we are still waiting to hear what we might be able to do for her, her poor tummy is so big and the rest of her body is getting skinnier and skinnier, too much to post, but we are hopeful that 2014 will bring a treatment and answers.

 

my son Caide who is Autistic finally found a school where he is happy, after so much stress at the last one!! Gabriel, who is 2 made the switch from being in his own little room downstairs with no bedtime, to sleeping upstairs in th boys room and going to bed at 8 with the rest of the kids. Riley has come a long way too, so I guess it's been a pretty good year overall for our family =))

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This year held a lot of growing for me… It's really strange to look back to a year ago, because it seems like so long...

 

At this time last year, I only had a few millimeters of hair. It's been really interesting having my hair slowly grow back, and it's still not long enough to be as short as the shortest I had it before (in my memory at least). 

 

During the spring, I grew to really trust and grow closer to a few of my friends. 

I also got straight A's during that semester.

At the end of the school year, I found out I'd been chosen for most of the various positions I'd applied for, and realized just how hectic this past semester would be for me, but, going into it, I felt strangely calm. Even excited. I knew this past semester would show me my breaking point, but I also knew I would grow a whole lot. It was odd.

 

This summer was possibly the strangest of my life. I was living in the basement of a family I knew (but not well). I was a bum looking for a job all summer, and when I finally had the opportunity for one, I turned it down for various reasons. I felt incredibly unproductive all summer, and it really frustrated me. But, I got to spend more time with some of my friends because I lived near school, and life was good. I tried to get a lot of DM stuff done so I could coast a bit through the school year (didn't work out :P )

 

Then the school year hit.

It was actually quite wonderful. I loved the Household program that I'm living in (kind of like a religious sorority… That's an easy way to think about it… A dedicated and intentional way of community living that is God centered). I loved the activities and groups I was involved in. I was working multiple jobs and I enjoyed them all. I enjoyed all of my classes, and was learning to do things that would help my students on day. I was doing things for my church groups, which included giving a witness at one point (which was scary--I felt so exposed, but it turns out that me telling my story really helped some people). I was busy, always busy, but I was happy. 

Of course, projects, papers, exams, events, and all of that hit. I was stressed, but still more at peace than I would have been in this position in the past. The last month or so of the semester was really tough though. I was completely burned out and had meltdowns every few days. My mood was flip flopping all of the time and I was consistently getting only around 5 hours of sleep at most. But, I made it, and got all A's again this semester (my GPA is now 3.912/4.000), I learned how to really rely on some of my friends, and now I can come back to DM full time!!! 

 

 

 

So, there's all of the events, now for the more important things: what I learned

 

Some things I relearned, or learned in a deeper way. One of those was trust. It's been hard for me to learn how to fully trust people again, especially guys, but I've formed some very firm friendships this year (including with some guys) and I've come to really be able to trust these individuals, and I've been able to open up to them and its been so freeing. 

 

I learned that times of silence are ok. This summer was difficult for me, but I learned that, even though I'm able to stop to smell the roses or to knit for a bit, I still am the type of person that likes to be always on the go, at least on a regular basis. I learned through that time of silence that a) silence can be relaxing if you let it be b) I learned again there's more to me than what I do and how much I'm able to do in one day.

 

I learned again that there is strength in being able to show weaknesses. In giving that witness, I had to really open up and show some parts of my past and myself that I usually keep hidden very deep, but I brought them out into the light. It's not bad to show weaknesses, in fact, in many cases it can be a sign of strength. You're basically saying "yeah, I have weaknesses. You still can't stop me. Here, see them." Plus, in showing them, sometimes you can do a whole lot of good--especially in the lives of those who look up to you. It heightens you in the eyes of others if anything.

 

I feel like I learned a lot about the importance of having that human connection, that foundation of friends to rely on. For a while there, I wasn't really spending any sort of social time with people, and it began to drive me a bit nuts. I realized that I needed that time to just watch a movie with my roommate, or randomly walk downtown with a friend, or just sit in the lounge and soak in the life. That's something I'm going to try to have more of in the future. 

 

 

Tied into that idea of "relationships"… Well, a lot of you probably don't know that I'm choosing to stay single, and probably would continue to even if the guy I really like decided that he was interested in a relationship with me. That's because… Well, because of some stuff in my past, I know that I don't have the confidence yet to be in a healthy relationship. I fear I would constantly be using it to try to build myself up, reassure myself of my worth. I want to be more confident as a woman before I get tied into any of that. That whole line of thought is one of the things I've learned. 

I feel I've learned a lot about what relationships should be by not being in one. I can't really put it into words right now. Just… What I want in a guy, and how I should be seen and treated, and the extent and beauty of the giving that should be in romantic relationships. How love is given, not earned. What an amazing thing… 

I may not be ready for a relationship right now, but I look forward to when the time does come. 

That requires a guy to be interested first though :P 

 

I learned what my limits are… Or at least were. I really grew a lot through that. And I realized that I really had grown a lot, because I was able to take far more than I used to be able to. I learned how much I am able to handle, and the effects that running full on for an extended period of time has on me. I learned what I am able to do despite of all of these difficulties

 

I learned so many things about God and my faith and my self that I can hardly put to words… About my worth in simply being His daughter, and how much He is able to work through me and… Words aren't even coming. 

 

And through all of that, I learned something very important:

I am stronger than I think I am

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This year has been a lot of ups and downs.

 

The bads first:

 

My job continues to get worse.

I started off 2013 by losing my grandmother.

Relationship issues

 

The goods!

I met some of the most wonderful people ever!

I got to go to JordanCon and meet some of those people!

I got bonded to three wonderful people.

I've made the decision to leave my job.

I was diagnosed with anxiety along with depression (I include this in goods because it's wonderful to know whats going on in my head sometimes)

Counseling has been going well and for the most part I'm dealing with my emotional disorders well.

I started playing the banjo.

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This year soared both high and low for me.

 

I reconnected with old work friends early in the year.

 

I made stronger freindships with those I had throughout the year, including two new souvra bonds.

 

I was freaking published! so that was a pretty high thing on my woo freaking woo list and awfully hard to beat. 

 

In June I finally got some professional and medical help for some long time undiagnosed disorder, and had some very heavy stuff beginning to be worked through and started thinking about making some changes to get my life in a better place.

 

In September I went back to college to take the course I had wanted to take out of high school 10 years ago, which they had the discontinued that year, but just brought back in 2012.

 

I had the roughest year of marriage I have ever had, but we have at least it seems we made it to through the worst of it. 

 

My kids joined the Kung Fu class I used to go to, and as of yesterday, I am considering rejoining the class myself. 

 

So 2014 will be about focusing on getting back to me!

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I'll be so happy to see 2013 be gone. It's been my worst year ever. I have been through so much pain, so much hurt, so much misery and stress and anxiety. I lost my family on my mothers side, even though the actions that led to it was my choice (filing a report on my mother to Child Security Services, making them take my brother away from her). Our money problems have been growing bigger and bigger. My health is crumbling down even more. One of my RL best friends seems to have lost all interest in me and haven't been there for me all year, the other RL best friend is still in Wales, she's home four weeks throughout the year and it's not enough. We got two new amazing besties, a couple, and we love them to pieces, but now he is getting kicked out of the country so we're loosing them. Mostly everything is going to hell and I don't know how to bring us back.

 

A few good things have happened. My husband got a part-time job at the sister-resturant to the one he's worked at before, and really likes it there. He's also starting to get into much better physical shape, finding a new medication that works very well on his arthritis, and that combined with working out has made him much better. Just before Christmas I finally got the go-ahead for the meds I've been trying to get. So that's good. I got two new bonds, and celebrated my first bondedversary with Brandie. I also got to meet my souvra Cloud, and go to two great concerts (Muse and Imagine Dragons), and spend time both this summer and for Christmas with my dad and stepmom and youngest little brothers. My oldest little brother is blossoming now that he's away from our mom (he still visits her every other weekend, but he lives with his dad).

 

For 2014, I hope we'll win the lottery. And then that NAV will stop being stupic bitches and let me get permanent disability. And that the situation with our besties resolve quickly so they can get back. And that my new meds work and I can start living a bit more normally. And generally that life will stop trying to kick me down. I'm too tired.

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