Reasons Tsuki is (NOT) totally evil.

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13) Heroes are not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

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14) I never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 56 and the hero is just starting to put his plan into motion.

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15) I have NEVER uttered the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

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16) Any time a prophet tells me the one thing that can spell my doom, I a) if it is an object, steal it and throw it into a nuclear reactor; or b) if it is a person, absolutely and utterly ignore him/her for the rest of their life after giving their parents 1 billion dollars.

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17) I will not have any sons. Although their laughably under-planned attempts to usurp my power would fail, it could, and probably would, provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

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18) I will not have any daughters. They would all be as beautiful as they are evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and they'd betray their own father.

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19) Despite proven stress-relieving benefits, I do not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's just too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

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20) I have hired a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Minions of Malice, as opposed to cheap imitations that make them look like Nazis, Legionnaires, or savage Mongolians. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

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21) No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I never consume any energy fields bigger than my head.

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22) I keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. This way -- even if the hero manages to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be over-run by a handful of Ewoks armed with spears and rocks.

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23) I maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

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24) No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible exhaust shaft.

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25) No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is NOT desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering any prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

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26) I never build only one of anything important. All important systems have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reasons, I always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

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27) My pet monster is kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I can not accidentally stumble.

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28) I dress in bright and cheery colors, and thus throw my enemies into confusion.

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29) All inept magicians, clumsy squires, tuneless bards, and cowardly thieves in the land have been preemptively put to death. My foes have surely given up and abandoned their quest due to no source of comic relief.

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30) All naive, well-endowed tavern wenches in my kingdom have been replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplots for the hero or their sidekick.

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31) I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how truly evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

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32) I don't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

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33) I do not turn into a snake. It never helps.

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34) I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Gen-X.

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35) I do not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every low-ranking guard in the prison.

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36) If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Minions of Malice are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

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37) If any enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.