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DRAGONMOUNT

A WHEEL OF TIME COMMUNITY
aross

A Mamary of DeLight aka A Romp Through Randland (Mature content)

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My final time writing a take-the-piss on the Wheel of Time and I should be getting misty eyed...

 

Ah, f@^# that.

 

Anyone else get inspired, try to write something funny too. Everybody's too f^&*ing serious around here.

 

 

 

As our story begins, everyone sounding pretty grim, but is it code? Talmanes telling some sellsword dudes, "this is the end," blah, blah, blah. Does he mean the end of the world? Or is it just that he likes rear-ends (especially Elayne's) and he's trying to come up with a euphemism?

 

RAFO, mutha f@^#ers!

 

The Creator himself comes out of the heavens to talk to Mat and tells him, "I did not put women on this earth to confuse men you dip%&$t. I put them on this earth so that you could !#$%$ $%^&* %^* !@%#$! So quit complaining you p@#$y!"

 

"Anyway, it seems like you've done pretty well so far. Shagging your way through every tavern and palace you get to. Even more than Daved Hanlon, and all of your women say "yes".

 

"What about Tylin? I didn't say yes!"

 

"Don't worry dude. If it's legitimate rape, she can't get pregnant."

 

"She's dead."

 

"Oh. Then it's a sure thing! No random rugrats for you!"

 

Phew thought Mat. After all, he didn't want to have to tell his Tuon about his illegimate children!

 

"I can hear you thinking about Tuon dip@$#t. You think she hasn't gotten her freak on? Think again!"

 

So Mat did think again. Oh yeah. That explains a lot.

 

"My work here is done. Buh-bye Mat."

 

"What about the Last Battle?"

 

"Oh yeah. That. Here." and in front of Mat appears a duffel full of bondage toys, labeled Compliments of Jacqueline Carey.

 

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

 

The Creator looked at Mat like he was a moron, "Bind the Nine Moons dip@$#t."

 

Finally a fun prophecy, thought Mat.

 

-----------------------------------------

 

Gawyn proposed marriage to Egwene and she was stupid enough to accept, choosing marriage over career, even after her virtuoso performance as Lily in Black Swan. She had money, fame, and choices, and instead went with K-Fed.

 

I don't really need to narrate the rest, do I?

 

-----------------------------------------

 

New best buds Perrin and Galad were chatting on the field of Merrilor.

 

Perrin couldn't help but notice a double limp. "Galad, what's wrong? Not still injured from the Trolloc battle? We're going to need you soon."

 

"No. I'm good."

 

"You don't look it," Perrin's look and tone told Galad that he knew there was something more. But the truth was... embarrassing. Would he have to talk about this?

 

"Um. Ah s&^t. Can this stay between us?"

 

"Yes," and Galad knew that Perrin would keep his word, even if the Dark One himself held a knife to his throat.

 

"It's Berelain."

 

"She injured you? I thought she liked you. Maybe more."

 

"She does."

 

"Uh."

 

"She likes me a little too much, I think."

 

"That doesn't sound bad. You like her, right?"

 

"Yep," with a smile.

 

"So what's the deal?"

 

"She's been introducing me to the pleasures of the bedchamber."

 

"Oh, dude. I get it."

 

"What?"

 

"Galad, I get it dude. Enthusiastic sex partner. I've got one too. Wanna see?

 

Galad could only nod. Perrin unbuttoned his shirt and gingerly slipped it off. Galad was stunned to find blood trails and scars covering Perrin's back.

 

"Surely you were whipped on some Village Green."

 

"Nope. That's all fingernail work."

 

"Holy %$^#$%^ #$^%."

 

"Feel better now?"

 

Galad was amazed to find he did. "Yeah, thanks bro."

 

"No problem."

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Lan had been gone a long time, and Nynaeve sat in her tent at Merrilor, gagging for a shagging. Amazing how our wishes can be fulfilled in the most f$%&ed up ways, because at that very moment, Sleete walks in, escorting another visitor. Valan Luca.

 

Light, you have gotta be f$%^in' kidding me, she thought.

 

Sleete broke her disgusted reverie. "Nynaeve Sedai, this gentleman explained that he knew you in Ghealdan. Another person to whom you owe a debt?"

 

"Sleete, I know him. But, if you believe I owe this douchebag anything...?"

 

"I didn't. Just remembering a recent visitor."

 

"Elayne and I hid in his menagerie for a while. But I don't see the menagerie Sleete. You think he's come here looking for a handout?"

 

"Possibly Nynaeve Sedai. It's the Last Battle. We could always use more swords."

 

"Why don't we see why he's here?"

 

Luca spoke up, "Your eyes inflame me Nynaeve. Your fire burns me! Your..."

 

Tuning him out, Nynaeve thought to herself, was I ever this desperate?

 

Eyeing Luca, her horny side spoke up. He's a sure thing!

 

Sane Nynaeve pushed back. I'd sooner have a Brazillian Wax five times a day.

 

"He can shoot a bow, Sleete. Have him report to the archery unit."

 

Luca spluttered, "But Nynaeve, I love you! I love no one but you!"

 

She was bored with this douchebag already! "Sleete, please. Get him out of here. Before I remove his balls with the One Power."

 

Sleete turned to grab Luca, but he was long gone, running away awkwardly while cupping his hands over his groin.

 

---------------------------------------

 

Elayne, Min, Aviendha, and Rand lie together among the cushions in the Dragon's tent, sweat covering their bodies and satisfaction lining their faces.

 

Rand thought happily, I am a golden god!

 

"Whoa," said Min.

 

"I didn't think sister on sister action would be that cool," put Elayne.

 

Aviendha just purred like a kitten.

 

"But Rand," said Elayne, "I thought we were getting together to discuss what to do at the Last Battle."

 

Rand smiled beautifically.

 

"I'm ready to die now."

 

----------------------------------------

 

Moiraine and Thom also huddled together in her tent. She could hear his thoughts. Sounded like me love you long time or some s*^t like that. Then she noticed the tent in his pants.

 

"What's that?" she asked with a seductive smile.

 

"I borrowed some Viagra from Gareth Bryne."

 

"Hmm."

 

They stared at each other a moment while she caressed his arm.

 

"Thom, I should tell you... I haven't been with a guy in a while."

 

"Yeah your captivity. I knew that."

 

"No Thom. I meant I haven't been with a guy."

 

Thom could do the numbers, "You and Siuan?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Kinky," his tone sounded appreciative.

 

"You're OK with that?"

 

"More than OK Moiraine. I mean, I love you, but she is kinda hot too. Do you think...?"

 

"Kinky," her tone sounded equally appreciative.

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

And the Dark One spoke to Moridin and Shaidar Haran.

 

"Ok mutha f$%^ers! I'm unleashing the balefire! Go nuts!"

 

"Yes!" shouted the other two.

 

"And you'll have as much of my power as you need Moridin."

 

"Yes!"

 

"And Shaidar Haran, the leash is removed. No more coming back to Shayol Ghul for you."

 

"Hell yea!"

 

"But I'm putting a temporary moritorium on rape."

 

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

To the Last Battle. Ogiers, Tinkers, and channelers sang the Song of Growing. And as they hit the chorus, "Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together. Try to love one another right now," the Dark One hurled, fertilizing the pattern and regrowing his prison. Soon his touch was gone from the world, except for a little primordial goo.

Edited by aross

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We need more silly stories at DM. I remember when that was as much a part of these boards as the book discussions or the groups. Kudos to you; I had quite a chuckle at this. Come join us in the RP :)

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Hilarious post! Loving the idea, I think everyone needs to take a step back and have a little fun with it.

 

Just one thing, due to the nature, I am just going to edit the title to include a warning for explicit content. (There are some young posters and it ain't exactly PG13)

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Hilarious post! Loving the idea, I think everyone needs to take a step back and have a little fun with it.

 

Just one thing, due to the nature, I am just going to edit the title to include a warning for explicit content. (There are some young posters and it ain't exactly PG13)

 

+1, that was great, although just throwing it out there... a lot of people will click on it BECAUSE it says "Mature content". Prime example, me.

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+1, that was great, although just throwing it out there... a lot of people will click on it BECAUSE it says "Mature content". Prime example, me.

 

Oh I know, but I have to warn people. If they disregard it, well, they were warned :tongue:

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