Critique Poem Thing

[Kudaran Dragon Blooded]

Here's a poem/song thing I made for a D&D campaign.

 

I'd like to get some critique on it, so any critisism would be welcome.

 

Athas

 

The road lies in ruin

The water dried up

The landscape barren

And the ground hollowed out

 

A scourge sweeps this world

A fell wind that speaks of death

And within this gale swirled

Burning sand, thief of breath

 

The sands held no love

No life and no flame

No white doves

only the bones of the lame

 

Yet this sea of sand

Land of bright sunset beauty

Stood hand in hand

With a sky of red ruby

 

Magic once stirred

In its deep ancient bowels

And with that it lured

Men hidden in cowls

 

From this desolate land

Nine cities did rise

From the dunes of sand

To protect their prize

 

But not one could share

A stake of their claim

And so five cities would tear

Four to ruined remains

 

And the magic they did wield

thunder, ice, and fire

for there was never a shield

that could block a blazing pyre

 

But they were thrown down

The magic-wielders foul

For you cannot wear a crown

While hidden in a cowl

 

 

 

Defiling the desert sands

many-fingered, twisted hands

sharpened teeth and eyes agleam

nightmares wake and walk the dream

 

 

 

After all is said and done

The land still lies undone

blazing sands and wasted lands

scorched by the desert sun

 

 

After a span

A great swath of land

Would be sucked dry

And barren it would lie

 

The wind calls its name

And the rocks hold its past

Blood runs in rivers

The waters of Athas

 

 

 

 

I swear by my blade and by my blood

As long as this flag stands unfurled

dark may pour in like a flood

but night will never walk the waking world

[Kudaran Dragon Blooded]

... That bad?

[Nyanna al'Meara]

haha no i think its great! :D didnt see this before...

I really likey your rhyming, it comes across as nicely flowing :) especially the near rhyming, it seems more natural than if youd used very matching rhymes.

 

One thing i noticed that might disrupt the flow of the poem is 'did + verb'. Might just be me, but even though it sounds pretty archaic-languagey-like, I just find it doesnt suit the rest of the poetry imho. "Nine cities did rise" sounds ok, but "the magic they did weild" just kinda stood out to me...

 

Ummm..oh and another suggestion, if your interested unless you're going for a repetition effect, maybe us well-sounding synonyms a bit more? Like, other words for wind in paragraph 2? I dunno, its just for the rest of the poem you use a nice wide vocabulary, i noticed it when the same word was repeated thrice in consecutive lines.

 

Oh, and you haz a typo in the second line, last stanza - it says flags instead of flag

 

Its awesome, great work!

 

 

*goes back to her actual[/] English poetry study she's supposed to be doing*

[Kudaran Dragon Blooded]

Thanks!

 

Great advice- yeah that wind thing's got to go, don't know how I didn't notice it. I'l have to think of something for the magic thing... probably'l just scrap the stanza.

 

There we go fixed the typo.

 

Changed the wind one, but it's kinda choppy now... what do you think?

[Nyanna al'Meara]

Whoa! I love it, it really brings across the harshness which contrasts the sad quiet landscape described in the first stanza! :D that effectively shows a sense of danger :)

 

I guess you could change it to 'wielded', although then youd have to change the last two lines in that stanza to make sense...hmm....i mean, you could just keep it too, it still sounds good anyway :P

[Kudaran Dragon Blooded]

Yeah, now that I look at it after a while, it doesn't look so bad.

 

The wielded thing... I'l see if I can make anything better. Hm...