Five Years On

[Zentopia]

It wasn't until she read the letter wrapped in white ribbon that Bennu Abravanel realized just how much time had passed.

 

The day had gone much like the thousands of others she had experienced since coming to the Tower: rising at the crack of dawn, hurrying to classes, toiling in the kitchens, studying...it was a rhythm that the novice had gotten used to as time went by. She'd had to, really; the White Tower would not have accepted anything else, and the young scholar refused to get left behind. Or put out with a bag of gold to her name. If there was one thing Bennu refused to do, it was fail. That would have been an insult to the Abravanel name.

 

So she'd focused on staying ahead of her classes and being a good novice. Days, then months rolled by in quick succession. She barely noticed the turn of the seasons; for quite a while she was happy just to see sun coming through the windows of her bedroom, or her classrooms.

 

And then, while she was enjoying one of her rare freedays ensconced in her favorite part of the library deeply immersed in The Ballad of Gaidin Zaraveth: A Century of Scholarly Commentary, a fellow novice trotted up to her with a letter in hand. “Bennu? Finally I found you! This came by post today! Here!”

 

Bennu just reached out a hand, not looking up from her book. “Oh, thanks. What is it?”

 

The blondhaired novice frowned. “Bennu!” she said exasperatedly, “ It's a letter for you. Could you at least let go of the book for a moment and look up when you take this?”

 

Bennu blinked, and to her credit, managed a mild flush of embarrassment as she gazed up at her. “Ah, sorry about that.”

 

“I'm sure you are. When you have a book in your hand, you could probably ignore Tarmon Gaidon until you finished one. Last. Chapter. Here, already.” The blond - Mira, Bennu thought distractedly – shoved it into her hands before trotting off, muttering to a friend about how all that time studying was finally getting to Abravanel. “And don't forget you have a date with the Mistress of Novices today about that incident in the hallway!”

 

Bennu sat there for a moment, turning the envelope over in her hands, and it was a while until she finally closed the book she'd been reading, unfolded the stack of thick paper and began to read. How odd. Didn't they just write me the other day?

 

Dearest daughter,

We hope this letter finds you well. It has been a while since we heard from you, but our love and pride in you has never wavered. Never doubt that we miss your earnest smiling face in our study in the evenings.

 

Tell us, poppet, are you studying hard? No doubt the books tower around you like trees! But be patient, dear – you will be allowed to learn all you want. We hope you do not overwork yourself. Have you spoken to Maira Aes Sedai yet? I am sure she is as proud of you as we are. Continue in that vein, and be a true Abravanel.

 

Interesting news - Your brother, Jaime has been squiring about a lovely girl by the name of Varya Kinoreth. They seem rather serious, and her father has contacted me as to a possible alliance by spring.

 

That brought her up hard. “Varya Kinoreth?” she muttered. “Who's that? I thought he was completely tangled up with Katinel Vallier.” They would have been a lovely match – the daughter of a minor noble family like theirs that earned their money from shipping - perhaps she favored another? Sad, that. But so strange that he didn't press his suit of her.

 

She read further.

 

 

....Zorya said it was a shame that you were unable to come and celebrate her daughter's birth...

 

“Huh. Didn't even know Zorya was married....when was that?”

 

Old Man Senex has passed away, Light bless him. You remember him, don't you? He so loved to hear you read when you were little, and expected much out of you when you grew to adulthood. We gave regards on your behalf at his household when we made the visit, though speaking much of where you went would have been considered improper. Perhaps unlucky...there is still no love for Aes Sedai and their ilk here.

 

Ah, poppet. It is hard to believe that five years and three months have passed, without us seeing you....

 

That brought her up short.

 

Bennu blinked, mentally losing the current thread of the missive. Five years and three months? No wonder she didn't recognize her brother's current paramour, or knew that her friend Zorya was now a mother of two – no, wait. Three. There was a letter a...Light that was a year ago.

 

Light. When did I last mail them anything? She gazed down at the letter with a growing sense of guilt.

 

Be sure to write us, Bennu. Your mother yearns to hear from you and know you are happy.

 

She nodded firmly, folding the letter back up and putting it n her pocket. As soon as I retire for the evening, I will sit and pen a letter to Mother and Father. They'll be so pleased to hear from me.

 

***

 

The letter was long in the writing. Bennu faintly remembered penning other missives to her family as time went by, all of them enthusiastic and filled with stories about life in the Tower and her studies....but they slowly became few and far between as work and Tower duties pressed. She was sure they didn't fault her for that, but to not contact them at all was unconscionable.

 

What can I tell them that they would understand?

 

There was so much she was doing now, so many things she was learning...so much she couldn't share. Some things she probably wasn't allowed to share, and some things that...well...they wouldn't understand anyway.

 

And five years... She gazed into the mirror at her desk, realizing for the first time that although she would be called 'child' for years yet, the reflection that looked back at her certainly was not that of the child that walked into the Mistress of Novice's office to sign her name in the roster. She was in her twenties now, with a hint of crow's feet beginning to show around her eyes from endless squinting at books in libraries. Much to her dismay, her hair was still bereft of curl as ever, but she had finally gone ahead and trimmed it to just past her shoulders instead of the waistlength mass her mother had been so proud of. She even acted older – though being expected to carry yourself as though you were decades older than you were tended to do that.

 

***

 

The tears didn't come until the next day. And they were completely without warning. It was her turn for a rotation in the kitchens, and so she was perched on a stool in one corner, peeling potatoes for the evening stews and absently listening to the chatter of the novices working around her. It was truly mindless work, so she let herself be lulled – but not too much because the knives were sharp.

 

As she reached down for the next potato, one of the cook's assistants came by with a large pot of broth to add to the stew. Bennu inhaled – and found herself strongly reminded of evenings by the fire with her family, as they waited for the cook to announce that dinner was served. And then how, before anyone put fork to food, her father would lift his glass, bless them all, and thank them for the deeds they did that day.

 

Despite herself, tears came to her eyes all of a sudden. Five years since..since...

 

“Bennu, do you need to take a rest?” The head cook's voice, normally stern, was touched with a bit of concerned as she looked over the steaming pot. “ You've been working rather hard, there, child.”

 

“No, ma'am,” she said steadily after a moment, trying to steel herself and mimic an Aes Sedai's 'none of your business' look. “It's just the onions and pepper in the broth; they were very strong.” She dabbed at the corner of her eyes with the end of her sleeve, gave a fleeting smile, and after a moment went back to her task.

 

“All right then,” the older woman said after a moment. “Make sure you get those tubers completely clean – the skin ruins the broth.”

 

“I know, miss.”

 

The Tairen girl thought she'd done a good job of it, but the cook'd been there fifty years. In all that time, she'd learned to spot lies that obvious leagues away. She was training to be Aes Sedai, yes, but that impassivity would take years yet.

 

***

 

Bennu had always been glad of the strong oak doors to her room. Those plus the thick walls served to muffle sound, and did it very well. Many were the nights that she'd thanked those walls and those doors when she'd sneaked to another novice's room to have a whispered conversation about a planned prank, or when she'd stayed up past bedtime to get through one more bit of a reading assignment.

 

She was appreciative now because no one could hear her weep. Or if they did, people sensed that they should leave her to it. The depth of her emotion completely drove her off guard the first night, and she went to class the next day with reddened eyes and a massive headache.

 

Five years gone....and yet more to go, before she would earn the banded skirts. A decade or so more after that to earn the shawl. Every day, a little more of her connection to her home slipped away. She would always be Tairen, but her loyalty and love would be to the Tower.

 

For the first time, she truly realized the price she was going to have to pay.