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DRAGONMOUNT

A WHEEL OF TIME COMMUNITY

Depression and life (Atten: Dante and later Visar)


Rasheta Ardashir
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OOC: Okay hunni this was rather hard to get through it ran a bit long. If you need me to add/subtract or anything let me know okay. *snuggles*

 

IC:

 

Rasheta was staring at the wall in her room, she knew that today was the third day she’d locked herself in her room. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that her warders were worried about her but it wasn’t really important to her. Oddly she didn’t feel hungry either and she knew that she should if she didn’t eat soon she was sure she would waste away, didn’t worry her either. She knew also in the back of her mind that she was in one of her depressed moods, she still felt guilty about being a live while Adrian had died. She had heard one of the Yellow sisters call it “Survivors guilt” Rasheta was rather sure that most of the Aes Sedai who had lost warders felt it. What Rasheta wasn’t sure about was if they continued to over a year after the loss of the warder. Rasheta wasn’t sure if she felt guiltier about being a live or that she was bonded again twice and until three days ago happily. Over the course of the last three days she had nightmares about the day of Adrian’s death. It had been so bad at night she had woven a weave to keep the sound of her screaming her warder’s name from reaching her current warders. It was no good worrying them as well. In the mornings she always unwove the ward, she wasn’t sure why and it wasn’t worth thinking about. She shut her eyes and felt the need to rest in peace without the fear of the nightmares.

 

Rasheta heard someone knock on her door, she wasn’t sure who it was and turned her head toward the door, she called “Go away.” Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that her voice lacked any emotion at all and sounded flat. She turned her head back to stare at her wall. She slid her hand up underneath the pillow she used and felt the dagger she always kept there. She wasn’t sure why but since the death of her warder she had always kept it there. Maybe it was because it had been a gift from Adrian and oddly it used to comfort her. She pulled it from under the pillow and stared at it for several long moments. She knew that it wouldn’t take much to end her life and set her two warders free from her. She remembered the fight the two had several weeks ago. Somewhere a long the way the two had seemed to come to an understanding, which was that Visar would stay with her while Dante did whatever he did to keep her safe. She heard another knock but ignored it. Whoever it was would go away soon she continued to stare at the wall while gripping the dagger in her hand. She had set the dagger to her wrist almost without thinking she couldn’t remember moving it but that didn’t matter. She dug the point into her wrist a little and watched blood well up, she didn’t feel any pain that was strange. The door was opened then and she turned her head to stare at Dante. It was the first time she had seen him in three days. Behind him she could see Visar pacing back and forth she turned her head back to the wall and called “I thought I told you to go away.” The door closed and she heard the lock click into place. She turned again to see that Dante was standing in front of the closed door giving her a dark look. “Don’t you know you should never disobey the orders of an Aes Sedai?” She said still in a flat voice. She watched the blood on her wrist bead and start to dry on her skin. For some reason she was fascinated by that. She spoke again. “Life seems so meaningless these days. Why do I still feel as though I am betraying the man I loved? I was happy to be bonded again,” She paused thoughtful. “Or I think I was.”  She was still staring at her wrist and turned her head a little to stare toward the door. Dante had moved closer to her while she had been ignoring him. She looked him over he didn’t look well. “You don’t look well, perhaps you should go away and get some sleep. I’m sure by the time you wake up you will be free of me.” She turned back to her wrist and the knife she was holding. She moved it and she supposed Dante had realized what she was going to do because her warder gripped her knife hand and she turned her attention back to him. “Let go, I am not worth saving.” When he didn’t she continued.  “What possible reason could you have for coming in here and stopping me? Let go.” She said again, she expected he was going to try and say something to change her mind and the course she was taking. She waited.

 

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Both the men had been on pins and needles. No one had done any work or training. Dante had not slept, instead waiting in the main room. He closed his eyes, concentrating on the bond. He knew what she was doing. The cold feeling that came through was her gripping the dagger under her pillow. His heart broke knowing she was thinking of her old Warder. He had hoped that when Visar came the void she felt might be filled. He was almost angry with his friend though it was not his failing and he knew it. He knocked on her door, if he could get her to drink some water at least... Visar had already picked up the pitcher. Dante appreciated how much they seemed able to read each others thoughts lately. He knocked and she tried to send him away. Something was building. He wasnt sure why he was feeling such desperation all of the sudden. The slightest feeling on his wrist came and he thought it may have been a mosquito. Then he realized it was his wrist that was feeling it. It was hers. He knocked again. She didnt answer so he let himself in. She was alive. Visar looked at him as he went in. "Trust me friend." he said as he shut the door and locked it. He listened to Rasheta but quietly moved closer. Her threats meant little to him as he took her hand that held the dagger and removed the dagger from her hand.

 

He sat next to her and without a word tore his sleeve to wrap her wrist. "This is not the way Rasheta... and I never wanted to be free of you no matter how difficult things were." He didnt let go of her hand after he gently tied off the make shift bandage. He left the void that had always been his way of hiding his emotions to let her feel him. His sadness and worry, most importantly his love for her, stronger than the ocean and just as loud through the bond. "If you werent happy you were definitely something... I would wake up those first few weeks to the sound of my door closing... you were checking on me... or watching me sleep?" His smile was light. His fingers traced soft patterns in her palms, stimulating the nerves to release the endorphins needed to feel relaxed. She needed to relax now. When had he stopped doing these little things for her? The massages and making tea for her and setting new flowers in her room ever other day? He remembered then it was when Visar moved into the spare room and he into the barracks. He expected them to be in one room by now, it was taking too long though.

 

"If I didnt think you were worth saving I would have let you leave Warderless when you wanted to those years ago... when you bonded me you didnt even want to leave anymore." His voice was low and soft, almost monotone. It was a basic mind trick. The reason some people slept better to the sounds the ocean or rain was because of the gentle similarity to a mothers heart beat in the womb, the first noises everyone fell asleep to. He used this same trick on Rasheta in the past after her meetings with the other Aes Sedai. She looked tired but he wasnt doing this to put her to sleep. Her problems would be there when she awoke. He wanted her calm and relaxed. Wanted her to struggle to think of what he said, if she was doing that, she wouldnt be thinking of killing herself. She was almost limp when he pulled her closer to lean on him. It allowed him to brush more of the nerves to relax her. He brushed some hair out of her face, running his fingertips along her scalp so lightly it likely almost tickled.

 

"You feel you are betraying him because you didnt die with him. You are forgetting though that we bond to keep you alive, even at the cost of our own life. We do this willingly, for our own reasons, and we know the risks when we accept it. Our days are numbered anyways my love. The day I die would be the same if I chose to be bonded or not, honestly though I never believed I had a choice. The more I fought bonding the more I was drawn to you. Your days are numbered too, but you needed me to reach them."

 

He felt the weight of the world on him. He felt awful that after he was done with today he would have to pull away again. She needed to know how loved she was. Years being her Warder though had crushed any hope Dante had had about her returning it though. He gently pushed her head against his chest. Now that he had given her food for thought perhaps she should sleep now. When she woke he would send Visar to her. "I do not regret you Rasheta. I could have died a happy man at any time that we were bonded because I had a few golden years where..." his throat closing up and his heart leaping out of his chest he said the words he had held back from her. "Where I got to love you... but if I do die and you waste away like this I will turn in my grave in sadness and disappointment that I died for you and you are throwing it away."

 

It was a mirror of Adrian he was sure. He too had a few short years to love her, and if Dante would turn in his grave because of this, would Adrian be any different? Just as he did the day he discovered her affections for Visar and the day she bonded Visar, he would have to allow his heart to break, so that hers could heal. Such is the life of a Warder.

 

Visar's light knock stirred him from the moment and he sat Rasheta up to answer the door. The look of concern was still in his eyes. "She is fine. Stay with her awhile. I am sure she could use your company." He held up the dagger to let Visar know it would be safe to leave her alone and walked out of the room.

 

OOC let me know if this is ok :)

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(ooc: fine by me)

Visar could feel her depression and anxiety through the bond, and he didn't know what to do about it.  He feared that whatever he might do he would make her feel worse.  He talked quietly with Dante, and Dante nodded finally, making a go for the door.  It was worth a try certainly, and Visar felt that Dante was much more familiar with Rasheta's moods to have more of a chance in helping her feel better.  Visar felt Rasheta's thirst, and thought he felt a sharp realization, like she had hurt herself.  His eyes wide,  He made to follow Dante, picking up a water pitcher just in case it would be handy.  If she had hurt herself then water could cleanse the wound, and if not she was probably thirsty anyway.

 

"Trust me friend." Dante said, and he went in alone.  Visar hesitated, wishing he could do something to help, and then nodded.  Dante would know what to do.  Visar would only get in the way.  He forced himself to sit down, water pitcher in hand, and he breathed, calming his emotions.

 

After a while, Visar could feel Rasheta calm down a little, though the grief was still there.  He got up, unable to stay seated, and knocked lightly, hoping that the danger at least was past.  Dante answered the door, looking equal parts relieved and hurt.  He had Rasheta's blade in his hands.

 

"She is fine. Stay with her awhile. I am sure she could use your company."

 

Visar nodded silently.  He might not know what to say to her, but at least he could be there to help her get through what she was dealing with.  He entered, setting down the water pitcher on a table nearby in case she was thirsty.  He then wasted no time to give Rasheta a long embrace.

 

"Had us worried there," Visar muttered into her shoulder, not really knowing what else to say.  He wanted to let her know he cared, that he'd try to help no matter the problem, but his throat felt dry, as if he had just wept and not her.

 

After a short while, Visar withdrew his arms slowly, and managed to ask,

"Water?" he cleared his throat, embarrassed that he could not seem to form a coherent sentence.

"Er, do you want some?" he elaborated.

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Rasheta sat up her hands in her lap staring at the spot Dante had till moments ago been occupying. She wasn't sure she was awake yet her mind still felt like she was in her dazed and depressed mood. She didn't notice till he hugged her that Visar was even in the room. She sat still as he embraced her and her nose picked up the smell that was, she supposed, common to all Warders. The smell of the training yards and whatever it was they used to keep there swords sharp. She heard Visar say.

 

"Had us worried there," She didn't move or speak, she was curious why they had been worried. She remembered something Dante had said. "This is not the way Rasheta... and I never wanted to be free of you no matter how difficult things were." She didn't want to be moved by such statements but she was. She was slowly going to "wake up" and when she did she knew it would be painful for her but she would have to deal with it. At the moment she simply sat where she was. Visar asked her if she wanted water and she nodded in an absentminded manner. Visar got up and moved into her line of sight. Dante's words again floated across her mind.

 

You are forgetting though that we bond to keep you alive, even at the cost of our own life. We do this willingly, for our own reasons, and we know the risks when we accept it. Our days are numbered anyways my love This almost made her believe that a warder would throw his life away willingly if the Sister he was bonded to needed it. She shuddered she never wanted to go through the loss of a warder again. Never! She wouldn't survive the next time she was sure, no matter if she had a second warder or not. The three of them would probably die shortly after each other. It was not a pleasant thought and she retreated back to her void. Visar handed her some water and she picked it up with her hurt wrist. She noticed the bandage and dropped the water glass. Visar retrieved it and poured her more. She ignored it for a moment staring at the bandage she remembered Dante had taken care of that and then spoken to her she had gone limp against him and then he had left her alone with Visar. Something she wondered about, he had said he loved her and then retreated himself back into the void that was no better then what she did. She drank her water absentmindedly, more of Dante's words intruded onto her thoughts.

 

"I do not regret you Rasheta. I could have died a happy man at any time that we were bonded because I had a few golden years where..." "Where I got to love you... but if I do die and you waste away like this I will turn in my grave in sadness and disappointment that I died for you and you are throwing it away." Rasheta sat still and felt tears slowly fall down her cheeks. She didn't even notice when they dripped onto her hands. What was wrong with her, did both her warders feel the same and she just hadn't noticed? She was selfish she hated herself at the moment for what she had done in the first years of being bonded. She had been so occupied with her past she had given little thought to the future. "Oh Adrian" She whispered to herself. "I am so sorry but I must put you to rest."

 

Dante was right when she had first bonded him she may not have been happy but she had been something. Soothed may have been the right word. Although sometimes even with him there she was lonely, he kept pushing her away. Visar well with Visar sometimes she felt like a parent teaching a small child, she loved Visar but not in the way she was quite sure that Dante thought she did. She looked at her warder he was worried, yet she had words for Dante. First though Visar. Her voice still sounded flat but she knew she would be okay in a few days.

 

"I will be alright, thank you for coming to my room." She looked at her hands. "Thank you for the water as well. Visar," She looked up at him. "Please forgive me for this, I fall into these moods and sometimes it seems like life is not worth living anymore. I thank you for your service to me though. You have been a good warder and a trusted friend." She reached out a hand and he came to her she hugged him and then said. "Now I need you to do two things for me." She pulled back to look him in the face.

 

"First go and find Dante, I have to speak to him." She paused and her stomach rumbled. "Second could you please go and get me some food. Not much but maybe some soup or something." Visar nodded and hugged her again she hugged him back and he left her to her thoughts. She laid back down with her back to the door, Dante had said a lot to her that made her think long and hard about her warders, and her life in general. She knew that she wasn't going to stop being depressed just because of this talk, but it was a start for her. She held her wrist and stared at the bandage. Dante she thought You idiot. The door opened and she turned her head, Visar had clearly made Dante bring food as the smell of soup was prominent in the room. She sat up slowly and waited till the food was set on a nearby table and she slowly started to eat. She told Dante.

 

"You know the void you hide behind is no different then the depression I hide behind. It is not the way, as you told me earlier." She realized she had eaten everything in the bowl and she looked at her other warder for a moment before dropping her face to stare at her hands. She spoke softly. "When I bonded you first I was soothed more then you will probably know. Although there were times that I was lonely even with you in my head. The reasons were that you were always pushing me away. That void of yours is more hindrance then help." She sighed "That is till we went to the borderlands. Do you remember seeing your family and your home? I watched you there you know. You were so different, the void was gone mostly. You care for them and they care for you. I no longer have family my sisters in the Ajah are the closest I have. Why do you keep pushing me away? Why do you keep hiding? Its no better or worse then what I do." She realized she was crying now and she hurled the next words at him. "Why wouldn't you just let me die! You say it isn't the way but you are no better then me!"

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OOC lol I guess just let us know when you want Visar to come in :P Sorry its going to be short

 

Dante was not hard to find. He wasnt sure what Rasheta wanted him for now but when he went back in he was all cool composure. She was holding a glass of water. The thought crossed him that Visar must have done better than he did with her. He didnt regret sending him in if that were the case. He just thought it would take longer. Visar pushed food in his hands as he entered.

 

Quietly he set it down for her and watched her eat. His face had no emotion other than the exhaustion that came from days of worry. She became impassioned which was good. It meant she was waking up inside again. She directed her frustrations at him which he was fine with as long as it made her feel better. He was hiding. He had become an expert at hiding both from her and from eyes.

 

She was loud and emotional where his face did not reflect the low tone of his voice, devoid of anything but his own sadness. "Yes I hid from you because of the way I feel for you. You were getting over Adrian and at first my feelings were a complication for you. You brought Visar here and I hid because suddenly they were a burden as well a complication for you. You treat him differently, dont think I havent noticed. We met when I wanted to make you happy and you hated me. You met Visar while he was being punished and it mattered not to you. We argued, while you confided in him. You never told me why you wanted to bond me amidst all the fighting and the hate you directed at me and you told him before he was even bonded with a kiss."

 

He wasnt sure she wouldnt pass his bond to another Aes Sedai by the time this was all over with. He began to think maybe her suffering wouldnt have dragged out so long had she not bonded him. He stood not wanting to look her in the eye. He didnt care for the void anymore. He felt hurt, felt so much pain, but she didnt need to see it on his face too. "I am in the way Rasheta... even when Visar and I fought you still were softer on him... I thought at first... If I kept trying hard enough...maybe... but it didnt work so I made sure you had time with him. I figured if it was like I was never there... if you never had to feel me and if he means as much to you as he obviously does... then the best possible way I could serve you was by not hindering what could be. That meant hiding."

 

He began to pace with his hands on his hips and staring at the ground. "Do you remember when you asked me to decide what I wanted in the vault for the day I fell? I told you of a drawer to check. The drawer is empty. More than that the day you come back here without me there are people already paid to take every item I own and remove every trace that I ever was here. The bond will pain you when its broken... but its not a natural pain, you can bond your worst enemy and it would hurt no less. So I have made it so you will get over me as fast as possible. I was strong enough to do that for you..." He turned again so his back faced her. "I cant stand the way you feel about me, has nothing changed? I thought if I could step aside so you could be happy with... him... or whoever you chose... if I could erase as much pain my presence will bring you as possible... then what better way was there for me to show you just how much I do love you? I just was not strong enough to sit here and watch you with someone else or feel you... with someone through bond."

 

Now she had the whole story. Perhaps she would be mad at him again but it mattered not. Slowly he began to rebuild the void though pain was now mixed with pride. Even if she didnt feel the same for him let another guy try to top that! Composure regained he turned to face her. "I am sorry I pushed you away. I will try not to let it happen again. Did you need something else of me Aes Sedai?" He felt weak and laid bare. His shoulders slouched and he could meet her eyes only a for a second. He was... subdued. He wanted nothing more than to escape to the void or if he couldnt get that built up again a bottle of wine.

 

 

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Visar looked at Rasheta, afraid to say anything to make her more upset than she already was.  She was calm, true, but the sadness still lingered.  She whispered something.  Visar could barely make out the words, but he did think he heard "Adrian".  So this was about her old warder then?  She must be having a hard time dealing with his memory, Visar thought.  He felt a little awkward, but stayed in the room.  Maybe there was something he could do to help.  She looked up at him, and both thanked him and apologized to him.

 

"Please forgive me for this, I fall into these moods and sometimes it seems like life is not worth living anymore. I thank you for your service to me though. You have been a good warder and a trusted friend."

 

Visar smiled, thanking the Light that she had finally seemed to warm up a bit through the bond.  He went over and hugged her, wishing that he could squeeze away the sadness with his arms somehow.

 

"There's nothing to forgive.  I would like to continue my service." he said softly.  She pulled him away slightly, and gave him tasks.  He was to find Dante, and find something for her to eat.  Both would be fairly easy.

 

Visar got up and left the room, idly wondering why he seemed to be the odd one out.  First Dante said he would go in alone, and he would handle things.  Then he had come out and told Visar to go in alone and be with Rasheta.  And now Rasheta apparently wanted to talk to Dante again, who had already left?  Feeling a little bemused, but glad for at least something to do, Visar left the room again.

 

Dante had not gone far; in fact, he was just outside of the hallway, looking like he was deep in thought.  There was a small kettle of soup in the room warming on the stove, and Visar took a bowl and a spoon and ladled some soup in it.  He handed the bowl of soup to Dante.

 

"She's hungry, and she'd like to talk to you again." Visar explained briefly, not exactly sure what this was about.  He wasn't sure how to read the emotions that were going through the bond on Rasheta's side, and he knew he didn't know what was going on in Dante's head most of the time anyway.  And knowing his emotions would probably be as odd as a Trolloc swimming in a river.  Best not ask.

 

Confused at the whole situation, but willing to be as patient as possible where Rasheta was concerned, Visar waited outside in the hallway, trying to figure out through the bond what might be going on.

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Rasheta just stared at Dante while he spoke, when he was done he simply stood where he was and she continued to stare at him. His tirade was a lot to take in. Some of his earlier words flowed through her mind.We argued, while you confided in him. You never told me why you wanted to bond me amidst all the fighting and the hate you directed at me and you told him before he was even bonded with a kiss." He was upset about THAT! What a wool headed man. She couldn't believe he was angry with her about that. Even though he didn't show it she could tell he was upset about it. She sat where she was and matched him for toneless voice as she stared off in her own world.

 

"your angry that I didn't tell you why I bonded you in the midst of the arguments, and you want to know why he got bonded with a kiss." She couldn't help but be a little surprised she was sure that she had told him at least once her reasons for bonding him. "I bonded you because I needed you. Didn't I just tell you, that when we bonded I was soothed by the presence of another? I fought with you yes but that's because you would not simply let me do as I wanted." She paused for a breath and then continued. "I think you got a kiss before we bonded and you were sleeping when I ended up laying the weave on you. If I had kissed you then you may have woke up and tried to stop me from finishing what I had to do." She got up and stood walked till she was in front of Dante. His other words floated through her mind

 

"I am in the way Rasheta... even when Visar and I fought you still were softer on him... I thought at first... If I kept trying hard enough...maybe... but it didnt work so I made sure you had time with him. I figured if it was like I was never there... if you never had to feel me and if he means as much to you as he obviously does... then the best possible way I could serve you was by not hindering what could be. That meant hiding."

 

Rasheta decided to simply tell Dante what she had already been resigned to telling Visar. "Dante I love Visar." She felt him retreat behind his void and she grabbed his face in her heads forcing him to look at her as she finished. "I love Visar as a mother would her favorite child. Visar is." She paused thinking how best to describe him. "Gentle, he wouldn't like that word to describe him but he is. He is a good warrior and I would and do trust him with my life but he still is young. Your notions of me loving him as anything more are silly." She tried to remember if she had done anything to Visar to give the impression she felt more then she did for him. She couldn't remember at the moment her mind was still hazy and her wrist suddenly hurt. She dropped her hands and felt determined to get through the rest of her conversation before she went back to staring at the wall and working through her emotions.

 

"You asked me if I needed anything else of you Dante and I do." She took several deep breaths before she continued "When I first bonded you, you will remember I had tea with Loraine Sedai. I think you know her. She asked me if I was worried about bonding you because I was starting to love you and I could be betraying my old love." She shook her head. "At the time I thought she was crazy, I don't think she is anymore. I....I love you." She spoke the last in a very soft voice she was sure he could tell through there bond, or she hoped so, her brain was still hazy she did know that it was true though otherwise her oaths would prevent her from speaking it. She couldn't let him speak just yet. "I hate it when you leave me to bed whoever you do. Even hearing you tell Visar the reasons for it. I still hate it. I wish you wouldn't anymore," She sighed and pushed her hair back over her shoulders realizing, absentmindedly, she needed to comb it out soon.

 

She walked back toward her bed she was tired of fighting she was tired of feeling like her mind was a haze. She wished she could just sleep but still she needed to ask forgivness for her behavior, she already had to Visar after all. "I'm sorry." She said as she laid back down, this time facing the room. "I fall into these moods and sometimes it seems like life is not worth living anymore. I have been too focused on past things and I shouldn't have been. I will try harder. I have a task for you." She waited she could tell he was still trying to hide so she said

 

"Come here please." He did slowly, "You are not getting into bed with your boots on take them off." She added. For the first time in what felt like years Rasheta burst into laughter at the look on her warders face as well as the feeling through the bond. She sat up and tried not to continue laughing but couldn't help it. "I did not ask you to bed me." She said still laughing. "only to get into bed with me. I wanted to be held only." She pointed at her wrist adding. "I think that this makes any other activities impossible till I see one of the Yellows." She turned serious and added. "When I come out of these moods sleeping by myself is next to impossible. My nightmares are terrible. It helps to have someone next to me." She waited till he got next to her and she put her hurt wrist between her and Dante and curled herself up. After a moment or two she said.

 

"How could you not have anything in that drawer? You had to know I would want to keep something that reminded me of you."

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(She loves me?) He heard her say it and knew it had to be true to some degree. "You only had to ask me to stop... let Visar be chased through the halls by Aes Sedai and their Warders for awhile. I will be only yours... as long as you will have me." He shyed a bit towards the end. Butterflies were in his stomach as he approached the bed. He sat down, afraid that rocking it too much or saying the wrong thing would ruin her request and make him leave. His fingers fumbled on the laces and lightly he shook. How many years had he pictured this? He wondered if he were dreaming, his mind certainly felt hazy and full of cotton. He relaxed slightly as he went toward her. She reached out for him and her touch stopped the trembling instantly.

 

He was holding her... because she wanted him to. His mind was in disbelief. It was better than he had imagined it would be. He wasnt sure what tomorrow would bring but he was happy today. He pulled her close lending his body heat to her. "I love you too." he said. She asked him why the drawer was empty. Still in his mind he wanted to ease the suffering she would one day have to endure on his account. "Actually... if you check the second drawer down... you will find all the jewelery I made you over the years and never had the courage to give you."

 

He smiled and she looked up. There was a small fortune in that drawer but it wasnt always the price of the metals and stones. It was the beauty of the pieces. He wanted to give her something as beautiful as he saw her. He always failed to create it. He felt her curiosity in the bond. "What do you want them? One for every kiss." He leaned toward her and held her tight as their lips met. There was a lot of pieces in the that drawer. He had to help her get started now if she expected to get them all.

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"I love you too."

 

Rasheta couldn't help but chuckle, "I know, you've told me already." She was teasing him again it felt good to do that. She was pretty sure it had been awhile since she had. He told her then that there was actually jewelry in the next drawer down. She was confused, why had he told her that someone would clean out his very existence and that there had been nothing in the drawer when there was things in the next drawer down. Did he think she wouldn't have looked there? She almost rolled her eyes at such a notion, she would have torn the room apart if she found nothing in the original drawer.

 

She had a thought then about where Dante would want to stay now that he knew and what would Visar do when he found out. She didn't want her other warder to be overly uncomfortable. She was going to say something but Dante stopped all thought when he kissed her. She had been expecting it but was a little surprised he had done it just then. She had no interest in stopping him though. She only stopped him when she couldn't breathe anymore. She remembered her earlier thought about his room and Visar and asked.

 

"What do you feel like telling Visar about this? And do you want to come back and stay here or come and see me sometimes but keep your space in the barracks." She smiled. "I know how important it is to have your own space. I will not begrudge you a different room. Don't feel like you have to sneak back here at any time either. You should know better then anyone I keep odd hours." She added laughing.

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Seeing the confusion on her face he explained. "The jewelery wouldnt have been there either... it is now though if you wanted it."

 

He thought about the question about the room for awhile. He did move out to give Visar and her their privacy. So now he just needed to figure out what to do now it wasnt an issue. "I will let you decide where my head rests." He said with a rogue-ish grin. She needed him around more than she was letting on he guessed and he wanted to make sure he was there enough.

 

"I do not know what to tell Visar though... if anything... does he need to know? I think he will just be happy that I am spending more time here with you."

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"I will let you decide where my head rests."

 

Rasheta would have shaken her head, but she was laying right next to dante and couldn't. She did smile ruefully though and add. "I think it would be better on you to keep your room in the barracks. Like I said before, it is always a good thing to have your own space. You can come to see me as much or as little as you like."

 

"I do not know what to tell Visar though... if anything... does he need to know? I think he will just be happy that I am spending more time here with you."

 

Rasheta answered "I think he needs to know something. He will feel something through the bond from me. Should I leave it to you to speak to him or would you rather I did?" She paused and added "Maybe I should as his Aes Sedai." She curled herself up tighter against Dante and said sleepily.

 

"Now I must sleep. I shouldn't have any nightmares but if I do. You can protect me." She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

 

She woke up the next morning still next to Dante. She laid where she was awhile enjoying the feeling of being next to a warm body. It had been quite awhile since she had allowed herself that joy. She knew she had more to do today and slowly moved away, trying not to wake him up. She knew she had to go and see a yellow today. The bandage on her wrist was only going to work for so long. She looked up and saw Dante staring at her. "I'm going to see the Yellows." She realized she had just tried to crawl over Dante. He was amused with her antics. "I didn't want to wake you up." She added, got up as quick as she could and went for the door she had to speak to Visar anyway.

 

 

Rasheta opened her door and told Dante. "I am going to see one of the Yellows. You can stay here or do whatever it is you warders do durning the day." She was smiling and she turned around seeing Visar. She smiled brightly at him. "good morning." She said and added "Visar I have something to tell you. Please don't think this means that you must leave your room. Dante is going to be staying with me. I do love him." she paused and realized she was blushing. She was older then either of the two boys she had bonded and she was blushing this was not going well. "So please don't be surprised if the bond disappears every once in awhile. I will try not to treat you any different then before, but I feel you should know what is going on." 

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Visar could feel the strong emotions flowing through the bond.  They must be directed at Dante, and that could only mean that Rasheta Sedai really did love him.  While Visar was happy for the both of them that they seemed to be working something out, he felt unsure as to where he fit in in all this.  Not to mention that her emotions that he could feel but were not for him could be incomprehensibly dizzy sometimes.  Would he be unwanted living in Rasheta's quarters now that Dante would probably be seeing her more often?  He wondered what it would be like moving back into the barracks.  Probably wouldn't matter too much to him; in fact it would probably work out well.  He'd be able to talk with his few friends in the Guard more often, and Dante would be more comfortably close.  But it would be up to them, he knew.  It wasn't his place to delegate where he would be.  The decision would be Rasheta's, and he would honor it either way.

 

Walking silently back into the room, Visar told himself that he would try to sleep on it.  He hadn't had much lately, and although the bond allowed him to go without it for longer stretches than normal, he still needed it.  He took his shoes and shirt off and was soon fast asleep, comforted by knowing that Rasheta was also asleep and felt comfortable.

 

Waking early as always, just before dawn, Visar dressed and got a pot of tea ready on the small stove.  Not too long after, he could feel that Rasheta woke.  That's rather early for her.  She must have slept very well, he thought, glad that she did not have any nightmares.

 

As she came out of the room a while later, her face slightly flushed, Visar smiled back at her.  "Tea?" he offered, pouring her a cup.  To his surprise, she told him directly what he had suspected the night before.  Visar was a little relived to know that his place in the adjacent room wasn't in "jeopardy".

 

"So please don't be surprised if the bond disappears every once in awhile. I will try not to treat you any different then before, but I feel you should know what is going on."

 

Visar chuckled, glad at least she had the ability to do stifle the bond sometimes, even if it made him feel a little blind.  He wasn't sure if he would remain sane if the bond was unmasked and the two of them were...well whatever they like to do; it's none of my business!  Light, he'd probably want to drown himself in drink or find a woman to distract himself, and that would make him no better than Dante!

 

"It's about time you two were open with each other." he teased with a laugh, as if he had known and secretly hoped they'd get together all along.  "If either of you want me to move out and give you a little more space, I'm fine with that; I'm pretty low maintenance you know this.  But I'm alright with staying in the next room too, as long as I'm not in your way."

 

Dante came in view, also looking fairly well rested for a Warder.

"Good morning!" Visar greeted him.  "Tea?"

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