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Did I do it?

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Wilemi sighed and rubbed her eyes wearily, trying to immerse herself in her studies.  But recently, memories of home had come flooding back to her.  A home that was no more, a home that no longer existed, even if she remembered where it was.  Her home was now and forevermore the White Tower, and even if she did not choose for it to be her home, she would have no home to go to but a home she would have to make for herself.  However, however hard she tried to distract herself, it took only one distraction to let those memories pour in, to drown her vision.


She remembered Voronwa, her cousin, coming to consult her in pursuit of information.  Of her relatives, Voronwas most closely matched Wilemi in pursuit of knowledge.  She remembered Voronwa's brother, Abelle, learning swordplay at the hands of her grandfather.  Estean sat, next to the hearth, her loom spinning as she wove a carpet for the floor.  It was beautiful.


However, she ultimately remembered the fateful day which drove all of them from the home they had lived in for years.  She remembered Namell killing all her family members one by one with blasts of lightning and fire, she remembered being pulled roughly up on a horse by her sister, Nenen, she remembered fleeing down the road as the house collapsed behind her as Estean deflected whatever was flung her way in terms of lightning and fire, scattering people who ran screaming as Namell blasted fire, and ultimately, her grandmother and the Aes Sedai combining forces to bring down Namell.


She also remembered she did nothing to help stop her grandfather, but instead hid under the sofa until Nenen dragged her out of the house whilst Estean defended who she could.  Tears came to her eyes as she remembered everything during that fateful day.  She was not brave enough to become Aes Sedai.  A true girl of Aes Sedai material would have stood in her grandfather's way and sacrificed herself to save her own family, whereas she just hid, without attempting to help anyone escape.


She then made a momentus decision.  She would go to Larindha and confess her cowardice, even though it would mean she would have to give up her quest to become a Sister of the Tower.  Crying silently, she made her way to Larindha's office, knocked, and entered.


"What is it child?"  Larindha said, putting aside her things and looking concerned at the emotions on Wilemi's face.


"Larindha Sedai,"  Wilemi said, curtsying.  Then suddenly, she burst into tears and flung herself onto Larindha.  "I don't think I'm worthy to become Aes Sedai.  But I want to."  she wailed in despair.


Wilemi Kailadel

Scholar of the Five


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  • 3 weeks later...

Larindhra looked up and called "Enter" at the rather hesitant knock on her door. Distress was writ clear on the face of the girl who entered. Larindhra made sure that no hint showed on her face of the impatience she felt at having her tasks interrupted. Her tasks weren't all about paperwork and discipline - in fact, a very large amount of her time was spent on mothering the girls under her care.


And by the looks of it, this one was in desperate need of her right now. "What is it, child?" Her face showed only motherly concern and warmth, now. Apparently this was enough to loosen the girl's constraint, as she flung herself at Larindhra, sobbing her heart out. 


"I don't think I'm worthy to become Aes Sedai.  But I want to," Wilemi wailed. Larindhra held the girl and stroked her hair, letting her cry herself out. Once the sobs subsided to the odd hiccup, she led Wilemi to a chair then made her a warm cup of tea, adding a generous spoonful of honey. As an afterthought, she added a splash of brandy too. She handed Wilemi the tea and bade her drink up, then added a plate of biscuits too.


She pulled up a chair close to Wilemi, then waited until the tea and brandy took its effect before gently prompting the girl. "Why don't you think you are worthy, Wilemi? You have been doing quite well at your studies ... "

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Wilemi took one look at Larindha's calm face, and burst into tears again.  Surprisingly, Larindha took a pot of tea and added in honey, and something else Wilemi couldn't name.  "Drink up."  She said, softly and smiling slightly at her.  Wilemi drank the tea.  It was hot and helped her to think straight for a while.  Sniffing slightly, she looked up appealingly at Larindha, who looked solemnly at her, and ask the question that Wilemi had been dreading.  "Why don't you think you are worthy, Wilemi? You have been doing quite well at your studies ..."


Wilemi sniffed again, and her confession tumbled out.  "I am a coward, Larindha Sedai.  My family was killed and I hid and did nothing.  One who is worthy to become Aes Sedai would not have done so.  She would have gone out to face him, like my sister Nenen."  Wilemi started to cry again.  "I am unworthy.  I hid under the bed, and my cousins and parents were killed around me."  She started to cry.



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