Poor Esther - not homesick, just clueless

[Elgee]

Esther trailed her hand through the water of the little fountain, hoping that its cheerful burbling would sooth her troubled soul. Her bare feet dangled in the rocky pool in which the water gathered briefly, before flowing further in a little river to another catchment area. A few rainbow coloured fish of varying sizes laced lazily between her legs, unafraid. After almost three years of feeding them, they had become used to her. Of late, she had sought refuge in this quiet corner of the kitchen herb garden quite often. Every time she wondered who had thought to make what should have been a utilitarian watering system, into a thing of such natural beauty. Probably the Ogier – nobody else could have made it seem like a natural waterfall springing from the garden wall, or cared enough to do it.

 

Caring. That wasn’t something Esther had experienced a lot of, in her life. She had learned early to barricade herself in, to distance herself from people, to show no emotion. Anything else only invited pain. She had fully expected to continue doing so, even in the White Tower. She had even been successful, at first. The Mistress of Novices had seemed a bit …non-plussed when Esther expressed no desire to write home, or displayed no indication of feeling homesick. Larindhra Sedai had been quite subtle in probing Esther’s feelings, almost too much so, since it had taken Esther a while to guess exactly what Larindhra was hinting at. She didn’t quite understand why Larindhra seemed slightly worried about it, but she’d fobbed her off by saying that the White Tower was her home, now.

 

In a sense, it was. Even with all the restrictions on novices, Esther felt more … free here, than she ever had in her mother’s house. Maybe it was because here, no one really cared about her lack of good looks, only about her talents and abilities. At home, Esther had become used to ridicule from her sisters and her mother.  Her mother and sisters were perfect examples of the famous blue-eyed blonde Andoran woman, tall, beautiful, and rather cool. Esther, on the other hand, was an unfortunate mix of her mother and her father. She wasn’t short, but she had never grown out of her puppy fat, as her father had fondly called it. Her mother had used less flattering words to describe her plumpness. Her hair was neither straight and blonde like her mother’s, nor curly and black like her father’s. Instead, it was a mousy colour, and had the unfortunate tendency to frizz.

 

There was nothing Esther could do about her physical appearance, so she had tried to better her mind. Her father had praised her, but her mother’s encouragement had been of a more calculating kind – there was no hope of Esther catching a husband, so a life as a clerk or teacher would be her only option. No one had ever entertained the thought that she might one day become an Aes Sedai, not until Esther had met some of those fabled ladies. A completely new world opened up for her then, one that she was determined to grasp with both hands – and feet, if necessary.

 

Sometimes she still woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, convinced that it had all been a dream. The reassuring sight of her roommates, even Deanne, made her thank the Light for this wondrous gift the Creator had bestowed upon her. Here, she was actually praised for her abilities and hard work, which of course made her even more determined to succeed. She tried her best to be the perfect Novice. She studied hard, she followed all the rules, she made sure others followed the rules too … That was where things came unstuck. She had thought the Mistress of Novices would be pleased with her, but she seemed more … disappointed.

 

Like her reaction when Esther had reported Deanne, and some of her fellow novices, for channelling without supervision. She had fully expected to be praised for that, but instead she had been the one punished! Oh, Larindhra had not exactly said it was a punishment, unlike what she had dished out to the ones reported, but her demeanour had radiated disapproval. “Should Justice supersede the Law” had been a fascinating thesis to write, but yet again, Larindhra had seemed … disappointed.

 

The few times Esther had seen a glimmer of approval in Larindhra Sedai’s eyes, excepting of course where her studies were concerned, was when Deanne had pushed her to lose her temper. How could Larindhra approve of her acting like a … a “lady of the night” who’s street corner had been invaded by a rival? Esther could not understand that. Her mother would have whipped her backside aflame! Not that she would ever have acted like that at home. Of course, not even her sisters had gotten under her skin the way Deanne could.

 

It was a conundrum; one that Esther was determined to solve. Drawing her knees up so she could rest her chin on them, Esther set her logic to the problem. Fact: she was praised for hard work. Fact: she was praised for doing well at her studies. Fact: she was praised for her channelling abilities. Fact: she was … not praised for following every rule to the letter. Fact: the Mistress of Novices was not encouraging when she reported others for breaking the rules.

 

Speculation: Maybe there was something wrong with following the rules all the time. But surely one could not become an Aes Sedai if … Esther thought about some of the people who had been raised to Accepted since she had arrived at the Tower … Jasmyne was certainly not noted for her strict adherence to the rules! Come to think of it, some of the stories she’d hear about the things a few Aes Sedai had gotten up to while novices and Accepted, defied belief. Had Larindhra Sedai really snuck out of not only the Tower, but Tar Valon, to go horse riding? Had Zarinen Sedai really been carried back to the Tower blind drunk after sneaking out to see what Taverns were like? Apparently, she had gotten into a heap of trouble, trying to find out how things worked. Esther’s own Mentor, Meli, also tended to get herself into trouble – especially where Ter’Angreal was concerned.

 

Right then … she knew exactly what she had to do: firstly, she would obviously have to let her fellow novices be. They would just have to turn themselves in, in future. Secondly, she would have to start breaking a few rules herself. Nothing major, of course! That would just be illogical, and besides, she did not want to waste too much time on the penances. And maybe she could space them out at regular intervals? She would have to check her schedule and pick times when she wasn’t too busy. Feeling immensely relieved at finally having figured this out, Esther fed the fish as she had planned to do a candle mark ago, then trotted off to her next class.

 

 

Esther Tremaine

Novice

SO close … but no cigar