Life after Bondage *cough* Bonding (attn. Corwin)

[Eqwina]

Nightlily frisked slightly catching her riders agitation, but Eqwina controlled her with the pressure of her knees. The dapple gray was well trained, but she sometimes needed a gentle reminder. Spring had finally broken and Summer was well underway. The sun was less than a fist above the horizon and already the day promised to be sweltering. Turning her horse away from the rise she road the short distance back to the small camp.

 

It was well away from the road and far enough from any houses for people not to be a bother. In the short months since she and Corwin had bonded Eqwina had come to know quite a lot about the man. They were both still a little wary and more than a little unsure, but with each passing day they spent apart Eqwina knew even more how much she wanted him back.

 

She could not say what made her flee Cairhien, but often since swearing to the Dark Lord Eqwina would get an itch between her shoulder blades that told her trouble was near. Still having business to attend to in the area had not allowed her to travel far, but even the few miles between herself and the great city made her feel safe; she would feel safer once Corwin was back at her side.

 

Arriving back at the camp she saw Arath just as she had left him. The lapdog of a Tower Guard wouldn’t even take a breath unless Eqwina allowed. Looping the horses’ reigns over a low branch and giving Nightlily a pat she ducked back into her tent. It was not a large tent and even since making Arath move out it had little space. Some of the size was compromised by the cot she’d acquired and one large chest that held of all her jewels and silks. Settling down on her bed Eqwina pulled out a lap desk and began composing a note. A messenger was set to arrive just short of mid day and she wanted everything in the ready. Channeling to light a small candle she held the wax to drip over the paper until and large black lump had formed. Laying her ring in the wax she set the seal and tucked the lap desk away.

 

Only about an hour had passed since she returned from her ride, and already the sun had turned the inside of their tent into a sauna. Ducking back out into the early morning sun she started to see about breakfast.

 

With Eqwina’s knowledge of cooking it meant it wouldn’t be much more than porridge with tiny slivers of peach. Out of all the skills she’d acquired over the years cooking was not among them.

 

Staring off towards the West Eqwina paused from her stirring. A few days outside of Tar Valon Eqwina had felt Corwin set out. But not towards she and Arath; It worried her that he could leave without a word and as soon as she could be rid of Arath she would have to set out to track him down.

 

A few more hours saw the messenger and with her letter on its way to be delivered she began to tear down the camp. Every hour Corwin drifted farther from her and with each mile the urgency burning in her stomach grew. It had taken her near 50 years to find the man she would bond and she didn’t want to lose him over a trivial game. Turning Arath had seemed like a good idea at the time, but considering what it has lost her she was no longer so sure. The three day ride back to Tar Valon was worse than the pit of Doom. Eqwina’s eyes always drifted to West as if just staring his direction could bring Corwin back to her.

 

Re-gathering supplies she left a frightened Arath back in Tar Valon and head towards the South and West. The bond pointed like an arrow to where Corwin had fled; her biggest fear was that he would mask himself from her before she could find him and explain. Even then she knew she could not give up her search, she had fought to long and to hard to give him up now. 

 

 

[Corwin]

Corwin had been in the Mountains for a while now.  This was the life he loved, the life that kept him safe... alone.  He could suddenly feel that Eqwina was a tiny bit stronger.  She must be coming....  Corwin knew he had weeks yet, but it didn't matter, she would always be able to find him, but that didn't mean he had to make it easier on her.  She wanted a dog, but he wasn't going to be it.  Dogs don't run from their masters.  He wished he could just show up and everything would be fine, but it wouldn't.  There was more to this.

 

She thought she knew him, but Corwin never let anyone know him.  Not after Calliste.  Out in the woods... alone... he had everything he needed.  He had long since gotten ride of his need of people.  Everyone wanted to be loved, but until he could let someone in he wouldn't find that, and so love was unnecessary.  His heart had died those years ago, and with it his need of people.  Why Eqwina had to come in a screw that up he had no idea, but her actions of treating him like a dog had shown he had put his faith in her too fast, and it was gravely misplaced.

 

Corwin

[Eqwina]

From Tar Valon Eqwina rode four days with barely a pause to reach Caemlyn the morning of the fifth day. It was there that she rested and replenished her supplies. It had been some days now since the feel of Corwin had changed. Where ever he was to the West he seemed content to stay, and was making no real efforts to hide. With him being the loaner he was Eqwina had some idea of where to search. Her best guesses had him somewhere in Mountains of Mist or in the trouble that stirred on Almoth Plain. It would be like him to make her ride into danger, just to prove a point.

 

For a week she rested in Caemlyn allowing time for her and Nightlily to fully recover. She had a feeling that there would be hard riding ahead and wanted every advantage she could gain. From Andor Eqwina made her way South into Murandy, it was a dangerous place for a woman alone, but no more so than riding into Amadicia would be. That was a stretch of her journey that she had no desire to face, but she would have to if she wanted to get back what she had so foolishly lost. She vowed to herself that never again would she play her games with Corwin. He had sworn her life to her and for that alone he deserved better. The feelings of love the she secretly carried only made her need more pressing and the desire to reach him more urgent.

 

The day she crossed the River Eldar she was sure that she’d made the right choice. There could be no doubt that Corwin had closeted himself somewhere in the Mountains of Mist. Once she crossed in Amadicia Eqwina began to rest during the day and travel at night. Lacking the skills of a woods man she could never move very far and traveling at night had its own perils. If she was caught there would be twice the questions, but considering where she was Eqwina was damned before she said a word. Traveling slow it took more than a week to reach the base of the mountains and two days after that before she saw signs of life. Even her untrained eyes spotted hoof prints in foliage where there should be nothing but wild animals, and later the sign of boots, but more than that the bond told her she was drawing close. That second evening she camped not a mile from where Corwin was, but the slope of the mountains and the under growth kept her from drawing nearer. For two days she stared at those passes and tried to find a way through. With every minute her frustration grew, so much so that she began to try rash and dangerous things. She was counted among the strongest of living Aes Sedai, but even that did not allow her to move mountains. She was still camped in those mountains searching, when someone else found her.

 

Two men with white cloaks shining brighter than their breastplates wandered into her camp just after dusk. As stunned by their appearance as she was by their location it took Eqwina a moment to remember to embrace Saidar. That hesitation was all it took for them to strike and for darkness to consume her. A last panicked emotion drifted through the bond that she hoped Corwin heard.

 

[Corwin]

The sudden shot of panic as strong as it was, was something Corwin doubted Eqwina could fake, yet he wouldn't put it past her.  Her life was based of deception now, and he wasn't going to become a hound to that.  But when he felt the sudden lack of everything from the bond, not because it was hidden, but something else... Corwin decided to investigate.  Grabbing his bow, Corwin crept through the woods and saw two Whitecloaks going through her things.  But they were also packing them away to leave soon.

 

Corwin quickly strung his bow and took care of one Whitecloak, the man collapsed with one shot and fell right beside Eqwina.  The other was disposed of nicely as he tried to figure out where Corwin was.  Taking Eqwina, Corwin put her into her tent and set a few simple snares.  But it wasn't time for them to talk yet.  No, Corwin wasn't ready for that.  As he left the camp, Corwin went to his and prepared to move, only this time he tucked Eqwina away so that he could move where he needed to.  North would get rid of anyone who came into the Mountains, because there they believed them cursed.  Perhaps Mantheren would be a good place...

 

As Corwin traveled, he would give Eqwina bits and pieces that he was going North, but he didn't want much else.  He could feel her frustration though when he opened the bond, and the fact that he could feel it from so far, though faint as it was, must mean she was boiling over.  But there was no point talking, she had come to reclaim her dog, not her Gaidin.

 

Corwin

[Eqwina]

Torturous nightmares of hot pokers and of knives ripping at flesh made Eqwina writhe in her sleep. She struggled against the bonds that held her and tried to clear the fog from her head enough to embrace Saidar. Her eyelashes fluttered as her dreams and reality became one and she fought herself awake.

 

Rents in her wrists still burned from the ropes that had been used to bind her, but the restraints were gone. With grainy eyes she looked around the tent, trying hard to do so without moving her head. She could feel the lump starting to form from where she’d been hit, but nothing else felt bruised but her pride. Reaching out blindly she felt for Corwin and found only a wall where he’d been. He had saved her No one else could have, which meant even while he ran he could not hide from his feelings. Or was it that he was not ready to die? Her head was still too clouded to process what his flight could mean.

 

Nursing a tender head Eqwina followed slowly through the passes, always a day’s ride behind. In the history of relationships between an Aes Sedai and their Warder, she did not think a Sister had ever worked so hard, but a part of her knew this was of her own doing.

 

Nearly another week had passed before the mountains began to fade into something more like hills.  They were into the land that had once been Mantheren, and Eqwina felt tightness in her shoulders as Corwin bloomed again strong in her head. This close she feel the calluses on his hands and the bitterness that still burned within him. Moving quickly she mounted Nightlily and galloped towards her Gaidin. This time he did not fade and when a battered Eqwina broke into the clearing all she could do was stare. In spite of all her anger and guilt, happiness bloomed within her just seeing his face. Sliding and half falling from her horse Eqwina walked slowly towards the fire. The desire to faint began to take over, as it had a thousand times in her younger years, but she stamped it down with fury and settled for sitting on a log a few feet away.

 

Resting her elbows on her knees she stared at Corwin, her haggard eyes giving the appearance of age, not to far from what hers was. She was afraid to say the first words and too ashamed to back down. Games and jests and even banter came to mind, but if her journey had taught her anything, none of that would work with him.

 

Slipping down from the log she settled into the brush and tried not to wince at the bruises that covered her body. She was unused to hard travel over rough land and she’d still not fully recovered from her run in with the Whitecloaks. “Thank you” Eqwina said forcing herself to meet his gaze. “For saving me. Whether it was only to save your own hide; I cannot thank you enough.” Worn down, bruised and afraid she did the only thing she could do. Honestly poured from her lips, her status and Aes Sedai power forgotten. For those few moments she was only a woman spilling her heart to a man. “I am also sorry I drove you away with my games. It was foolish to try and play them after all we’ve been through. You trusted me with something as important as your life and I let you down.” Her green eyes held none of their usual light and her rosy red cheeks looked dull. “I was only afraid that if you knew my true intent you would run. After all, I knew from the start that I could never hold more than your bond.” A confused anger came to Eqwina and she looked deep into his eyes. “Don’t play naive with me Corwin, search your memory and you will know what I speak of.” The fight seemed to have gone out of her and she ran her hands through her tangled hair. “ More fool me, I let myself fall for you knowing that I could never really have you. Not with the walls you’ve hidden behind, but still I clung to hope so hard that I blinded even myself.” She laid her head back against the rock, speaking more to herself. “Twice in my life my actions have driven away the ones I love. There can be no doubt that I am the one to blame. Resigned to whatever decision he made Eqwina raised her head only as far as his hands. Anymore and she would have felt the shame too keenly. “ If you want…I will….. release you from your bond.”

[Corwin]

Corwin stood there listening and feeling the bond as she spoke.  She had as much as told him before she didn't want him in her bed, and now she says she wants him.  Well Corwin was done with her games, and she said she was done with them too.  He stood watching her for a while before responding.  You say you knew these walls yet to try to play with them.  If you know as much as you think, then you should know these walls wont fall to a game.  You want in, yet all you do is strengthen my reasoning for these walls.  I have seen what you wanted, I saw what you turned the child I trained into, and I will NEVER be that.  You said you wanted me as I am, then you need to learn to deal with that.  I know you're not used to not having everyone bend over backwards for an Aes Sedai, or your "sisters" bending to your position, but I will not yield.  These walls are here for a reason, and until I see further, they will remain.  Corwin knew it was harsh, but she deserved it after that game.  He would never let her know she actually was getting to him, he would never let her know just how close those walls had been to crumbling until her game began.

 

Corwin

[Eqwina]

Eqwina’s anger spiked but she knew in her heart that everything he said was true. She had brought this upon herself and now she would suffer the consequences that her foolishness had bought.

 

“You are right Corwin and all I can say is I am sorry, and that it won’t happen again.” For an instant she regretted the lack of Oaths so that he could trust her words as true, but there was no turning back now. So he would have to settle for her promise and what he felt through the bond. Giving up the game the left herself an open book, even though all she was met with in return was a stone wall, impossibly high.

 

“ My game with Arath was not supposed to effect you, but I see now that it did. I wish you could trust my words and know I mean it when I say that I want you for you” A flicker of something she could only call love flowed towards Corwin and she saw his eyebrow twitch. Maybe with time he would grow to understand….

 

“So I ask you again….do you want free of your bond?”

[Corwin]

Corwin didn't know what to do with the woman.  So he just stood there for a few minutes and felt through the bond as much as he could.  This woman played too many games for her to give up so easily.  If I wanted that I would have let the Whitecloaks take care of it.  Corwin then turned around and prepared to leave.  She hadn't said anything about leaving, but he suspected that she wasn't going to stay here very long.

 

Corwin

[Eqwina]

So he would stay! A burst of joy exploded that she quickly suppressed. Just because she wanted I his life did not mean she was willing to play the supplicant.

 

There was so much else she wanted to say, but no words would form. Staring longingly at his back she tried to content herself with what she’d received. He had been hurt, and trusting again would take time.

 

Still, Eqwina wanted to shout that she would give him all the time he needed, but at the same time coming from her, right now, the words would only seem like more hallow promises. Pulling herself to her bruised feet she limped over to Nightlily and tried to focus on anything but the emotions flowing through her.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin could feel her feet and other pains. She hadn't had the easiest time getting to him.  After his camp was all packed, hers was still packed on Nightlily, they set off.  It had taken a bit though, at first Eqwina couldn't decide, so Corwin just waited.

 

Once she had decided though, Corwin had her get on Nightlily while he lead them both down the out of the Mountains.  It wasn't the funnest, but it was better then her making her bruises worse.  Once out of the Mountains, Eqwina took the lead.  Corwin mostly kept to himself on the way down trying to make sense of what she was sending through the bond.

 

Corwin

[Eqwina]

Two days could do a lot towards healing someone’s pride, as well as their bruises. Eqwina did not ride so tender in the saddle by the time they passed out of the mountains, and she had re-gathered some of her stony reserve. But she had made a promise to herself; as much as her lifestyle required her to shut people out, Corwin would be the one she let in. It was worse than insane to trust no one and who better than the man who had sworn his life to keep her alive.

 

While she had resolved to let him in he’d redoubled his efforts at keeping her out. Not a single flicker passed to her in the silence of their ride. Had it not been for the lack of unending grief she would have doubted that he even lived. All the camps were set and broken in silence, and the only words spoken were those necessary to keep them moving. Never in her life had she been so close to anyone… and yet so far.

 

“Corwin?” Her soft words sounding loud after the silence “Is this going to continue forever? The silence and the…..emptiness in the bond?” She rode Nightlily over to him, putting her eyes just slightly lower than his. “You have to know by now that I won’t hurt you. I have been an open book. Do I get nothing in return? I know these things take time, but I just want to know that there is hope.”

[Corwin]

Corwin looked at her for a long moment.  How could he express what he felt?  I had never been good at that.  Yet he wanted to....  You want more than you realize.  As long as you have known about me, you have known I was a hermit, someone that liked to be alone.  Now you ask me to expand that circle to two... something that I've tried before but failed miserably at.  I don't know what you think would be ideal for this bond, but I know what I imagined, and this has not worked out anything like I would have imagined.  The silence went on for a while longer while Corwin got his thoughts together.

 

When Eleanore was turned Black Ajah... I left the only person who was left in that circle only to come back to find her killed by Eleanore.  I can never prove that, but I know it's true.  After that... Eqwina I buried myself so far down I don't know if you will ever find him.  These walls have served me for so many years that they keep everyone out.  Even when I found out I had a daughter she was never brought in.  I don't know what hope to give you honestly.

 

Corwin didn't know what more to tell her really.  It was all truth, and truth anyone could see given enough time and if they were observant enough, so there couldn't be any harm letting her know.

 

Corwin

[Eqwina]

It was like being hit in the stomach with a ton of bricks. Over and Over again his words echoed in her head.

“Eqwina I buried myself so far down I don't know if you will ever find him.”

 

Never…. Her lifetime would be longer than any woman could ever dream for and Eqwina was beginning to think that it would take that long for Corwin fight through those walls. Never….it had the ring of finality that made her heart sink. After so many years of pain she had hoped that somehow this time she would get it right.

 

Glancing at him from the corner of her eye she tried to fight back her tears. There was no doubt that he felt them like the flood they were, but she would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

Her voice was a calm sea when she was finally able to speak. “I had no idea the horrors you have faced, or the heartbreak. I would not wish that on anyone. Least of all you my Gaidin, just know that you are not the only one to have suffered, not the only one to have pain.”

Booting Nightlily on Eqwina rode out ahead, trying not to think about what a fool she had been. When he finally brought his horse up to ride beside her, she whispered softly. "Just know that I will be here if you ever decide to stop suffering alone."

 

The woman who had killed and healed with equal pleasure and who had stared into the power of the Dark Lord without flinching was scared to her toes about the feelings her new Warder had stired. Perhaps she was not as at ease with her past as she had hoped.

 

[Corwin]

Corwin stopped once he felt Eqwina's emotions... he didn't know what to make of them really.  Yet as he felt them he felt his walls trying to strengthen themselves.  But he could feel so strongly the tears she wanted to try, something must be going on for real....

 

Eqwina was something Corwin didn't know what to do about.  Something was goin on, but Corwin didn't want to see what was goin on really.  It was strange because he could feel the emotions so much....  Corwin didn't know what to do really, he could feel all these emotions, yet she talked about not suffering alone.

 

As the journey continued things just seemed to be distraction toward the real issue.  She was getting more stubborn about not letting Corwin break her in a sense.  She just wouldn't let it out.  And as Corwin thought about it along the way, he realized that something was really up.  And one day it really would have to be addressed.  But one day he was going to have to face it himself.  One day he was going to have to face what things really were, and one day he was going to have to come to peace with that.

 

Corwin