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Asmo's Killer - The Great Reveal


Guest The Thin Inn Keeper
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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

A little amusement for a Monday. -- How RJ might have revealed Asmodean's killer...

 

I was going to make it a little longer, but then figured that people wouldn't bother.

 

A Killer Revealed

 

The sun shone weakly in the crimson sky over Shayol Ghul, the swollen clouds gathering overhead covered the land in a faint drizzle, metallic-smelling water saturated the parched ground. The vegetation was sparse and no living creature could be seen for miles. The steady pounding of the smiths of Thrakendar and the shrieks of their victims created a grim backdrop. Suddenly there was a bright flash of light, a thin silver line appeared in the air, widened, and then slowly became an oval, the base of which rested on the cracked earth.

 

A figure covered in an ink-black cape stepped out of the gateway, looking around itself as it did so. Tossing its head, the dark shape walked leisurely toward the imposing shadow of Shayol Ghul.

 

Shadar Haran, the Hand of the Dark, watched the figure emerge from the gateway, feeling a shiver as he recognized the cloaked shape. Shadar Haran did not often feel fear and the icy sensation growing in the pit of his stomach angered the Fade. His hatred for Channlers, even those blessed by The Great Lord, swelled and consumed his fear as he stepped forward.

 

“You are late, The Great Lord will be displeased,” the Fade growled, his lips peeled back to reveal his teeth.

 

The newcomer merely looked at him; he could swear he could see the beginnings of a smile of its face. That wasn’t possible, nobody could be so arrogant, so smug, as to mock the Hand of the Dark, and yet…

 

The newcomer merely stared, the deep brown eyes penetrating, knowing. A stream of S’aa moved from left to right across the eyes. After a while Shadar Haran dropped his gaze and led the figure into the caverns of Shayol Ghul. The stranger never said a word.

 

As they approached the The Great Lord’s lair Shadar Haran stepped forward to open the enormous double doors, carved out of purest ebony.

 

LEAVE US. The voice boomed in Shadar Haran’s head. He was startled, he had expected to be privy to the meeting.

 

“Yes my lord,” stammered Shadar Haran as he backed out of the room, closing the doors as he left.

 

The Newcomer walked toward the pit, where the essence of the Great Lord of the Dark touched the world. It sighed and gently lowered itself to the ground.

 

FANCY A CUPPA? The voice echoed in the figures ears.

 

The figure nodded slowly.

 

NO PROBLEM. A bell rang and Shadar Haran stuck his head around the door. ONE CUP OF TEA, TWO SUGARS, MILK, A STRAW AND SOME OF THOSE LOVELY OATMEAL COOKIES GREANDAL BROUGHT AROUND THE OTHER DAY, IF YOU PLEASE. OH, AND A GLASS OF HOT MILK FOR ME. THANK YOU.

 

Shadar Haran frowned as he backed out the room.

 

SO, HOW’D IT GO? I SEE RAHVIN GOT FRIED. YOU JUST CAN’T GET THE STAFF.

 

“Well, yes. I arrived too late to do anything about that I’m afraid.” The voice was female, high and pleasant on the ears. A classical education was evident. If the Dark One had to guess, which happened on occasion, the sexually ambiguous evil deity would have placed it as an Andoran accent, but one couldn’t be sure.

 

NEVER MIND. BUT YOU DEALT WITH THE OTHER ISSUE?

 

“Yes. He did recognize me, but I don’t suppose that really matters.”

 

NO, IT DOESN’T. HE’S BEYOND THE GRAVE NOW.

 

“Quite.”

 

ANYWAYS, YOU DID WELL. I’M PROUD OF YOU. IN FACT, I’M GOING TO APPOINT YOU NAE’BLIS. I’M AMMENDING MY WILL, IN THE EVENT OF MY DEATH, WHICH, GRANTED, IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY, YOU’LL INHERIT EVERYTHING. IN THE MEANTIME YOU GET TO TRAVEL AROUND, SEE INTERESTING NEW PLACES AND GENERALLY SPREAD DEATH, CHAOS AND FEAR THROUGHOUT THE LAND. IF YOU DO OVER THE DRAGON, I’D APPRECIATE IT.

 

“That’s very kind of you, I’ll do my best.”

 

The doors swung open and Shadar Haran staggered in wearing an apron and trying to balance a tray in one hand while closing the doors behind him.

 

THANK YOU, THAT’LL DO NICELY.

 

The Super Fade smiled menacingly as he backed out of the room.

 

The Great Lord of the Dark and his guest tucked into their elevenses before the shadowy figure took its leave.

 

Shadar Haran walked the cloaked figure back to the gateway, fuming over his sudden demotion to serving Fade. He was the Dark One’s right hand, all powerful among the Friends of the Dark, even the Chosen feared him. Silently he drew his blade and swung at the figures back.

 

Time seemed to stand still, one minute he was swinging his blade at an exposed rump, the next he was lying on his back, a dark figure stood over him.

 

“Oh my, how’d that happen?” said the Fade with a sickly grin. “Seems my arm has a life of it’s own! No harm done, eh?”

 

The figure blinked, Shadar Haran’s head imploded and a grey mass spread out across the cracked earth.

 

Bela smiled, or came as close to smiling as a short, shaggy mare can, and carried on walking toward the gateway. She had a stone in her shoe that she’d have to get one of the farriers to look at.

 

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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

Funny, I have the strong feeling you read Terry Pratchett. I'm sure binky would be oh-so-jealous of Bela!

 

I used to read Pratchett, but soon decided that Mort and Pyramids were, in my opinion, his best books. Everything else pales in comparision. But you're right, there was a nod to Binky in there.  :)

 

Lol, that was really funny. I got an image of SH in a maid's outfit stuck my head now. :D That has considerably brightened my Monday, thanks. ;D

 

Cheers, I'm going to do a few more. Belas introduction to the Dark Side I think.  ;D

 

 

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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

'The Dark One's B&B'

Come for the freak, stay for the food.  ;D

 

Here's the transcript of an interview that was recently aired on The Friends of the Dark: A People Misunderstood.

 

Interviewer: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, today we have The Great Lord of the Dark here with us, CEO of The Darkside Inc.. Good afternoon Shai’tan, how’s life treating you?

 

The Great Lord of the Dark: It’s all going OK at moment, we’ve got some big projects coming up, it’s all looking good.

 

Int: I’m glad to hear it, though things haven’t been going all that smoothly recently have they?

 

TGLOD: Well, every great power has its ups and downs, we’re doing alright though.

 

Int: Seriously, the Dragon has put a crimp in your plans of late.

 

TGLOD: It’s nothing in the long run. I was talking to Bill the other day about strategic planning and, to put things in perspective, he was telling me about the time they launched Vista. I mean, come on, everybody suffers from time to time. And then there was Enron, and look at what's happened to Starbucks recently.

 

Int: Sure, but you can’t compare your efforts to those of Bill Gates.

 

TGLOD: Well, not yet, but that’s where we aim to be.

 

Int: OK, lofty ambitions I see. Well, people would say that your recent restructuring appears to have reversed your fortunes a little.

 

TGLOD: Uh huh. We’re happy with where we are. I mean, some of the older staff were getting complacent. I mean, would you have been comfortable with Belal placing your sales pitches? The guy was so out of touch. I think Moridin’s where it’s at at the moment.

 

Int: Sure, sure. Is it difficult being the man with the plan, administering all these driven individuals?

 

TGLOD: It can be, but I relish coming into work every day. I mean, I see myself as a friend, a boss and an entertainer. I don’t think any of those are mutually exclusive.

 

Int: Right. So what’s in the pipeline then?

 

TGLOD: Well, we’ve got some great ideas. We’re looking at simultaneous invasions of the Borderlands, the White Tower, Arad Doman, the whole shebang really. I’ve got a great new line in Shadowspawn coming up, the Fades are raring to go and Mazrim’s just about to come out of the closet.

 

Int: Really? Interesting. We read a lot about corporate secrecy in the press. So, here’s the biggy, who killed Asomodean?

 

TGLOD: Oh Jordan! If I had a nickel for every time someone asks me that. Well, you know, my legal team has advised me not spill the beans on that one.

 

Int: That’s a kop out if ever I heard one.

 

TGLOD: Well, hey, RAFO.

 

Int: OK, we gotta cut this now, my ears are bleeding.

 

TGLOD: Wait, hang on, I didn’t get to tell the one about the Tinker, the Aiel and the two Domani serving girls!!!

 

 

*************

 

And yes, there's an Office reference in there.

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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

Im guessing the GLOTD has a cuppa then as well, let me guess, black wih 2 sugars?

 

Nope, he's more of an espresso man/thing.

 

He's also into his power naps and early morning facial masks.

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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

Exactly.

 

He's also quite demanding when it comes to his wardrobe requirements. All the top DFs have to be kitted out in Armani suits with a variety of fetching pastel linings (TGLOD favours raspberry) and those little square sunglasses that FBI agents seem contractually obliged to wear.

 

I'm feeling another interview with TGLOD coming on. The other one was written last night after a company meal ... too tired. I forgot to mention his tropical fish tank.

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And yes, there's an Office reference in there.

 

The Dark One and Rand have been talking, now it's time to fight. They each disappear into their 'dressing rooms' to garb up. Rand comes back out, Callandor in hand, the Power roaring through him. There's a delay. Some giggling can be heard from the DO's dressing room. Graendal comes out, looking a little abashed and tries to pretend she's not smiling. The DO comes out, hands on hips...

 

"OK, who set my sword in jelly?"

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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

The battle rages, until the Dark One produces his ultimate weapon ... the latest version of Excel.

 

The Dragon falls to his knees, bleeding from the ears!

 

"Curse you Shai'tan, I knew this program backwards ... But all the fancy menus have made it impossible to find anything! Arrrrggggghhhh ... The Light give me strength."

 

As the Dragon staggers to his feet, determined to fight on, the Dark One launches into an intricate Powerpoint demonstration, detailing, with pie charts and venn diagrams, exactly how RJ constructed the entire plot of WOT on the back of an old pack of Lucky Strikes...

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The Dragon kneels, weeping as the DO flicks from slide to slide. A weakness is revealed however, the DO is using the latest version of IE to google things he needs to give more clarification on and now, he needs to refresh the page.

 

Whilst the DO spends 10 minutes searching for the refresh button on the new IE, the Dragon strikes...

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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

Springing to his feet the Dragon pulls out OSX Leopard, the latest offering from the Light Side.

 

"Damn you Steve Jobs, damn you! All your attractive brushed steel facades and "trendy" marketing ploys! Undone by an Apple!"

 

The Dark One reels as the Dragon homes in on the kill. Suddenly though, the Dragon staggers once more.

 

"Damn it. Despite being clearly superior, my lack of useable programs and total disregard of the gaming community have rendered me useless. Curse you Bill Gates, curse you!" The Dragon felt his powers draining away just as the Dark One regained his composure...

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In his Neville-voice, the DO continues, feeling rather smug that not only has he found the 'refresh' button but has learned how to navigate around the page without the use of a mouse and from somewhere, has managed to find a laser pointer.

 

"And so we can see - here - and -here- that the evolution of many many plots has contributed to an enormous and rather frustrating wait for book 12..."

 

 

 

How did we get here? I think I should run a course on going off on a tangent...

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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

It was an Office comment.

 

**********************

 

The Dragon was suddenly exhausted. He dropped down into the first row of seats and listened in to the presentation. The Dark One's work with the laser pointer really was first class.

 

"You know what Shai?"

 

HUH?

 

"You're right. It's taken f'ing years to get this far. I mean it's amazing that people stuck with us throughout."

 

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

 

"Well, given that Brandon Wha'isface is going to take a year and a day to get to our final scene, you know, the one where we reveal that you are in fact my father, why don't we just take a break?"

 

YOU'RE RIGHT SON. FANCY A CUPPA?

 

"Don't mind if I do."

 

SHADAR HARAN?! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!

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Guest The Thin Inn Keeper

And now, back to our regular series, Friends of the Dark: A People Misunderstood

 

Interviewer: So, last time we were talking about your plans for world domination, how about we get onto your management ethos?

 

The Great Lord of the Dark: Sure, why not? I see myself as a people person. It’s easy for people to get the wrong idea, I mean, sure, I’m The Great Lord of the Dark to outsiders, I guess that can be pretty imposing. Here at Darkside Inc., the team all call me Terry, I think it makes for a better atmosphere in the office.

 

Int: Terry … right.

 

TGLOD: Yep, feeling relaxed yet?

 

(At his point TGLOD stood up and walked over to the tropical fish tank in the corner of his room.)

 

TGLOD: I love these little guys, so trusting, so peaceful. I think it’s important to create a calm, tranquil environment. There’s nothing more peaceful that losing yourself watching the fish with some whale song in the background. Beautiful.

 

Int: Uh, huh. OK, so how do you create this calm, tranquil environment then?

 

TGLOD: Well, I’m a great believer in relaxation. I come in, have my morning coffee while Grandael goes over our portfolio, we do some pilates together and then get to work. After we’ve sewn death, destruction and mayhem for a few hours we like to drain out all that bad energy, we’ve found that acupuncture’s a good release. Semirhage can do wonders for a tense back.

 

Int: All sounds very enlightened.

 

TGLOD: Please, try to refrain from bad language.

 

Int: My apologies. So, any insight for our listeners? What’s on the board at the moment?

 

TGLOD: Well, we’ve signed up for Armani’s latest advertising campaigns. The theme is “The Devil Has All the Best Suits.” It’s pleasing to see that we’re going in the same direction as the great man, he’s doing a beautiful range with pastel linings, my favourite is the raspberry, it really brings out the natural colour in my cheeks. Other than that, “Cookpots and Spits: Recipies from the Blight” is going to be published shortly, Graendal is getting back into the mature movie market after her recent hiatus. Semirhage is releasing her yoga and acupuncture DVD in the autumn. I’ve personally agreed to endorse Nespresso for the next two years as my earthly representative recently had to step down.

 

Int: Wow. George Clooney's onside?

 

TGLOD: Of course, George isn't an idiot. But I want to reassure everyone that, while we’ll never be distracted from our core goal – domination of the world, we see diversity as the key.

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