Home and Away ~Miya~

[Wayfarer]

Frowning as she heard a knock at the door, Darienna set her quill aside as she looked up at the door.  Hopefully it was the girl that she had been expecting, Miya, because if it wasn't she was going to be somewhat put out.  For the entire day, she had not been able to get more than fifteen minutes at a time without someone knocking on her door, be it Novices or Accepted who had done the wrong thing or sisters that needed to speak to her about one thing or another.  Of the former, she'd had four malcontents walk through her door, at most she had one a week, she didn't mind a couple but four in a day was ridiculous.  If it was a fifth that was walking through her door, she was going to have to make a point to all her Novices and Accepted in order to make sure such behaviour was curtailed.

 

"Come in."

 

It was a smile that came to Darienna rather than harsh words as the door opened to reveal Miya, someone she was actually prepared to set aside her work for.  Well, except for the instruction of the girl was her work to begin with.  It had been slow going at first, but she had made steady progress once the fundamentals were covered, she wasn't a dunce.  A good thing, because today was going to be a special day because they had a completely different project ahead of them.  Every lesson had been learning letters and words, practicing the writing of sentences and the exercise of reading.  Now, after six months, Miya was going to do something quite different indeed.

 

Gesturing to the pair of chairs on the other side of the table as she always did, Darienna was already getting the tea for the both of them.  A simple enough ritual, they started their lessons with it because it was always in the afternoon.  Something was needed to pick them up, particularly Miya though she was getting better used to the pace of things as the months went by.  Less than a minute and the pot was boiled as Miya finished explaining how her day had been so far, another ritual.  Pouring them both a cup, Darienna took them up and handed the Novice her cup before sitting at her chair once more.

 

Taking a sip of her tea, she opened a drawer and retrieved a couple of pieces of paper that she then handed to Miya, though the sheet of sentences to read and copy was conspicuously absent, something Darienna explained as she reclined back in her seat.  "Today you are going to do something different.  You've come along quite well, and I think you are ready to make an attempt at writing a letter."

 

The confused look on Miya's face broadened Darienna's smile.  "I assume you want to let your parents know how you are doing?  When your letter is done, we'll go over it and make sure the spelling is right, and I'll make sure that it is sent tomorrow."

 

"If you would like to write home that is.  If not, we could always do something else."

 

 

Darienna Ceradin

Mistress of Novices

[Miya]

If she had to wash more more dish she swore to the light that her fingers would wrinkle up and fall off like rotten grapes on the vine!  The fact that she had to go writing after, hadn't won her any sympathy from Mistress Laras who simply told her to scrub harder, not longer. 

 

Of course, as the tea warmed, she explained this to the Mistress of Novices... complete with her imitation of the woman parading around with her spoon to swat unsuspecting novices with.  It was sad really... it seemed like in all this place only she, her mentor, and the mistress of novices had a sense of humor.  Well, the mistress of novices had a sense of humor unless it involved breaking rules somehow... for those occasions she had other more creative things.

 

Accepting her cup of tea, she whispered, "Thank you Aes Sedai" in an ernst and polite tone.  Usually Aes Sedai made her make the tea and it was a nice change to have the older woman doing it for them instead.  Of course, she'd never mention that lest the Mistress of Novices catch on that she might be missing out on something that others were getting out of her. 

 

As she explained what today's project was to be Miya remained silent.  It had been months since she'd been able to send anything more than the most cold and impersonal things to her parents.  Rory or an accepted at the pigeon loft was always kind enough to send a reply when a letter arrived from home but nothing more than short notes saying that she was well and she would write a longer letter soon.

 

Well, now here she was, able to write... somewhat and blank paper before her.  Still, the Mistress of Novices intended to read it.  How private would that be?  It wasn't as though she could be completely critical of things here with her Mistress of Novices reading ... right?  Of course, did she really want to spoil her family's mental image of what being here must be like?

 

Reaching out with a timid hand she took the quill and then the paper.  "I hardly know where to begin." Her voice was tinged with sadness and uncertainty.  "I don't want to lie to them but... I wouldn't want them to worry or see the Tower in less than a positive light."  

 

Looking up at the closest thing to a mother she had here, she asked frankly in a near whisper, "How do you do that?  Tell a lie to people you love without really being completely a lie?  I mean... I wanna be like you, an Aes Sedai and they never lie but..."  she sighed in frustration at her inability to say what she was feeling correctly.  "I don't know.  It's hard to explain.  Can you see what I'm getting at though?"

 

[Wayfarer]

Listening to Miya as she spoke of her problem, something that Darienna hadn't foreseen, she took a moment to wrap her mind around it and to think of what to say.  She certainly wasn't going to bite Miya's head off for speaking up, she preferred her Novices and Accepted to be open with her.  Well, as long as it wasn't something ridiculously stupid, but even then that was part of her job and this certainly wasn't stupid.  It was also important for more than just the letter, Darienna hadn't thought that Miya's six months at the Tower had truly worn away at her so.  After all, she hadn't given much of a sign of it before, and Darienna prided herself on being able to pick up on such things.

 

"You never intend to tell a lie, you always tell the truth.  As men are oft to say, the truth an Aes Sedai tells may not be the one that you hear.  It is usually said with scorn, to say that Aes Sedai are manipulative liars who can even twist an oath of truth on its head.  But it is a skill that can be used compassionately as easily as it can to manipulate, the skill in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is how you choose to use it that determines what it is.  To tell a loved one a truth without telling them the entire truth is still truth, yet it is done to protect them rather than harm."

 

Waiting a moment to allow Miya a chance to process the thought, Darienna continued.  "But I am surprised that you would feel the need.  You have no reason to be ashamed of your studies, your progress with your literacy alone is a worthy achievement after but six months.  What pains you so that you do not wish to share it with your parents and family?  Don't be afraid to speak freely, I'm not about to take your head over something that is troubling you."

 

Her concern clear in her tone, Darienna set aside her tea on the table and leaned forward, her hands folded together on the table.  She wanted to hear what Miya had to say, if she knew what the problem was then maybe she could address it.

 

 

Darienna Ceradin

Mistress of Novices

[Miya]

She wasn't certain why the Mistress of Novices being so nice to her would make her tear up a bit, but whatever it was she scrubbed the tears fast before they could even threaten to fall.  Blinking back any excess she forced a laugh.  "It's stupid really, I just... I never realized how homesick I'd get.  Fun here isn't really the same as fun at home and, sometimes it's just hard not to forget what it is I really want to do.  The best parts about being here usually come when I'm getting into trouble and we both know how that ends... and then, of course, when I can touch Saidar and I've only done that a couple of times.  I'm not even sure I'm gonna be all that good at it even."

 

All her fears and worries came pouring out in a torrent.  She didn't like dumping things on people but the woman had asked and it was always her habit to be blunt with those who asked for truth.

 

"Rory Sedai says that it may be a decade or more before I can even test for a banded dress.  Light I'll be... old then!"  She stiffled her lip quivering at the image of herself as an old maid.  "My brother will be finding a wife by then and most of my friends will have two children on their aprons and me... well... I won't even have had my first kiss!"

 

Wow, she hadn't even considered that too much.  She was not particularly boy crazy but apparently the thought of NEVER knowing a boy was ... kinda overwhelming.  "Not that Sedai marry, right?  Light!"  She rolled her eyes up and sighed.

 

"I just don't know how to write them and tell them I'm not here learning how to throw fire and call lightening but instead I spend most my days bruising up my knees cleaning floors and blistering my hands in pots.  I don't know how to tell them that I hate it here most of the time and that I've spent more time crying at night than I've spent with the One Power.  That I'm a child to most of these people and I'm going to be for decades... maybe a hundred years that is if I don't kill myself in the process of trying to earn a yarn shawl!  That ... that they'll be dead and burried before I ever set foot in the borderlands again!"  The last was almost a shout and tears were flowing now despite her very best efforts.

 

"I was suppos... suppose to go home and make my brother my warder.  We were going to go to the blight and fight... to avenge the dead and... protect our home.  How do I tell him that's not what will happen now..."  her voice trailed off into a stiffled sob.  For once, with the pain revealed to someone in the light of day, she felt as small as the child they called her.

[Wayfarer]

Standing as Miya finished with a stiffled sob, Darienna quickly made her way around her table to the spare seat that was next to the girl and sat down beside her.  Miya didn't react to the arm Darienna put around her shoulders except to look at the floor, and Darienna knew why now.  She knew why Miya had finally splurged, because the girl had been bottling it up all the time, her loneliness.  It wasn't that she was alone, but she was lonely for those whom she had left behind, sick for her home and all her loved ones that she had left behind.  Darienna had erred in thinking that Miya had already overcome such trouble, making the assumption that because it had been so long that Miya must have opened up to someone else.

 

"Don't look at the floor, I'm up here."  Using a free hand to reach under the girl's chin to tilt her gaze up, Darienna smiled reassuringly.  "You'd think you were the only one to realise these things, there's no shame in it.  Light Miya, every woman in this tower has had the same fears as you.  The things that we leave behind, they aren't easy things to give up.  To know that we aren't going to live the lives that we once had planned. . ."

 

Her smile becoming a touch wistful, Darienna decided to draw on something a touch more personal.  "I'm not going to say I know exactly what its like for you.  For me, I left behind a mother, a few friends and a life as a maid.  It was perhaps easier for me in that respect than others who left behind large loving families, but it is difficult for everyone, and everyone does need to talk about it at some stage."

 

"There would be something wrong if you didn't miss your family, the White Tower isn't your home yet and when it does become home, it won't be the same.  It won't replace what you had, it is different and new and takes a lot to adjust to.  But you don't have to be alone, you have your roommate, you have me, you have Rory Sedai and Zalena Sedai, you have Lillian Sedai, and there will be others there to be there for you.  You might feel like you're just scrubbing pans and washing floors and that it will take forever to make any progress, but there is a reason for that."

 

"People are wont to say that taking the first step is the hardest.  Truth be told, thats a lie.  Its hard to make a decision, a commitment, but when the goal seems so far away it is more difficult to hold to what you've decided than the decision itself.  But we have all done it, and I know you can as well.  You have what it takes, if you didn't then I wouldn't be making the same effort.  I'd teach you still, I'd make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself with the power and that would be that.  But you do have it in you, and I've been a Mistress of Novices long enough to know that."

 

Squeezing the girl's arm reassuringly, Darienna added.  "But, do you want this?  It will take you more years than you expected, though maybe not as long as a decade.  But you can become an Aes Sedai, you will learn how to fling fire, call lightning, heal the sick and do many more things, more than you would have ever been able to do in your previous life.  Not that it was any less valuable a life for that, but you know what I mean.  You have a future that few women could hope for ahead of you, but look within yourself.  What do you feel?"

 

 

Darienna Ceradin

Mistress of Novices

[Miya]

Light it was good to have someone hold her.  To feel the kindness of another human being.  Listening to her speak was hard, she wasn't saying all the perfect things... but at lease Miya knew she wasn't lying. 

 

What did she want?  Did she really want this?  What did she feel?  These should be easy questions to answer.  She wanted to give a reply as simple as you please and let that be enough but, she wasn't sure that it was.  Maybe this was why Aes Sedai learned how to twist even oaths on their heads, as she said?

 

"I want to be Aes Sedai,"  she hesitated, choosing her words carefully so that it wasn't a lie.  "... more than I want to be whatever I'd be if I were at home right now.  I want to help people, to be someone in this world who others look to... ya know?"  She managed a smile.  The thought of being someone's hero made her feel stronger.

 

"I suppose I can write my letter now."  She reassured herself mentally.  "... but, I have to know... the pain, it does get less soon, doesn't it?"

 

[Wayfarer]

The question of the pain was an expected one, but one that Darienna had an answer for at least.  Might not have exactly been the one that Miya would want, but it was true nevertheless.  She just hoped that Miya might be able to draw comfort from it.  "Not for a time, it will last but it will also fade.  Not forgotten, and it should not be forgotten because it is something dear to the heart, but the pain will pass."

 

No quick release from it for Miya, but it was inevitable at least, if she allowed it to be.  Distance and remaining busy would help take care of it, it was one of the reasons that Novices were assigned so many chores.  Not only was it to try and teach humility, though that was limited in its effeciveness she sometimes felt, it was also to ensure that by the end of the day they were too tired to get up to too much trouble.  Too tired to get up to trouble, too tired to dwell on thoughts too much, tired enough to simply drop off to sleep and start again the next day all over again.

 

"It is good that you want to be Aes Sedai for yourself, and for others.  Its a painful choice, like most choices we have to give up something so that we can have something else.  Most choices aren't as cruel as this one, but there it is all the same.  But, you know, maybe you should tell your family that."

 

That got a look.  "I'm serious.  Your family mean a lot to you, they should know that.  That it is hard for you to be here when you wish to be home, amongst your family whom you've known all your life.  They should know that you struggle with it, for them that means that you haven't forgotten them and that they are dear to your heart.  You can tell them why you make the choice to stay, why it is difficult for you, what it means to you and what you feel it means you give up and sacrifice.  There is no reason to hide these things from them, is there?"

 

 

Darienna Ceradin

Mistress of Novices

[Miya]

Without even a moment's hesitation, Miya shook her head 'no'.  Picking up her quil with determination she set about the task of trying to put her thoughts to paper.  Every now and again her tongue slipped out the corner of her mouth as she struggled to make the letters look right and Darienna had to correct her... but nothing too painful.

 

From time to time her 'e' or 'a' might come out backwards, a frequent problem she had... sometimes the words on the paper seemed to do that of their own accord while she read too.  But with care, she was always able to get through.  Sadly, her handwriting looked like something chickens might scratch in the dirt, unlike the beautiful flowing scripts that her mentors wrote with.  Their ink seemed to flow from their pens like water down a stream onto the paper.  Such grace... such noble arcs and swirls... oh how she wished her first letter home looked that way!

 

Dear Momma and Papa,

 

I miss you and brother very much.  The White Tower is more beautiful than even the stories said it was and I am working very hard to be an Aes Sedai.  My teachers say I have promise and that I am made of good, stern, borderlands stuff.  However, it seems even if I am talented it may be many long years before I can come home to see you again.  I must work very hard to learn, not only how to use the powers I have, but how to be responsible, safe, and respectable in my use of them.  Please understand that I wish every day that I could learn these things at home with you.  I love you with all my heart and Arafel is dear to me, one day I will come back, and be all that we talked about that night before I left.  Tell my brother that I hope he can achieve his dream too, that he will serve on the border defending our people until I can join him.

 

I will write often, now that I know how.  Please keep sending your letters too.  They make the long days a bit easier.  I will think of you often and do you proud.  I promise.

 

All my love,

 

Miya.

 

Signing her name to the paper she then tossed sand across the wet ink to dry it.  Shaking away the sand she gave it to the Mistress of Novices to review.

[Wayfarer]

Waiting patiently as Miya wrote her letter and assisting her with the spelling where it was needed, Darienna was happy to do so.  There were many frustrating aspects to being a teacher, let alone the Mistress of Novices, and it was something you didn't do simply for a larger stipend or authority.  It was this moment, watching a student understanding something you had spent so long teaching them and putting it to use.  That feeling of success, it was an addictive thing that helped bring Darienna back to it again and again.  It was more rewarding than her previous work had been, at least, as far as she was concerned.

 

The letter done and handed over to her, Darienna scanned over it quickly and was pleased.  Not a single mistake, the writing was not that of a scholar but it was legible and it had come a long way from six months ago when Miya could only trace letters and was still grappling with the concept of them.  She'd been tempted to give her a trace sheet after she wrote it to tidy it up, but it was better for Miya's parents to see how far she had come.  They would then be able to see her improvement with each new letter that Miya sent.

 

Setting the letter aside on her table, Darienna turned to Miya with a smile.  "You've done well, there are no mistakes in there.  Your writing is legible, and with time that will improve as well.  For now, I think we are done.  Go and take the time left over for this class for yourself, be it to catch up on other work or to simply relax for awhile, I'll make sure this is sent before the end of the day.  We'll resume again tomorrow."

 

Chuckling at the look that she got, Darienna made a shooing gesture as she said.  "Go on now, before I change my mind and find something else for you to do."

 

 

Darienna Ceradin

Mistress of Novices

[Miya]

Bobing a quick curtsey, wearing a smile bigger than any cat with a mouse, Miya raced off to enjoy her time without classes or chores by finding a snack or three in the kitchen... assuming Mistress Laras didn't yell at her from snacking between meals again.

 

All told, despite being homesick still, today hadn't turned out to be the worst day in the Tower... in fact, things were starting to look up.