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Oddpositions

Here Comes the Rain Again (ATTN Nox)

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                It had been a few days since Merdyn and Nox had become a ‘thing.’ They didn’t really have a label. That was fine. What label could they have? Exclusive? That went without saying. Nox wasn’t going to be sleeping around on him, and Merdyn’s heart would not let him look elsewhere. Not that he wanted to. He would have liked to considered them betrothed, but that would be too soon, and that also operated on the assumption that Merdyn could find someone to wed them eventually. Did they even need someone to wed them? Merdyn was disinherited and Nox had no legal claims outside of the Black Tower. The only thing a wedding would do was seal them together with words, a more mundane Warder bond.

 

                Perhaps the M’Hael would do it for us…… And there I go again… Getting about five years ahead of myself. Thank the Light I don’t drink anymore, otherwise I'd never be able to keep my thoughts to myself… Then again, if I was still a lousy drunkard, I doubt Nox and I would have gotten together… Nothing more than a little bit of watered wine with dinner and that’s it, nothing harder, not for the rest of my days… Small price to pay to be with someone you love so much.

 

                He had moved a chest of his clothing into Nox’s house the day after they ‘sealed the deal.’ The man had been all smiles since then. Oh, he had assured Merdyn that he would be a thunderous ball of emotion, but that nimbus cloud had yet to show it’s ugly head. Everything was coming up Merdyn and he couldn’t contain his excitement.

 

                Before Merdyn had confessed his feelings for the other man, he had done small things here and there for Nox in an effort to cheer him up. There were times when his lover had shut down, but he was able to pull the man out of it each time. It made him feel good about the future. So, today he decided to surprise Nox by sprucing up their love nest. Merdyn should’ve asked, it wasn’t his space, it was Nox’s. But Nox had also said that Merdyn could share it with him.

 

                Opening the door and shuffling in, Merdyn let a bundle fall from his arms. The sack burst open as it hit the ground, silken pillows with a matching duvet, curtains, and a few small pieces of art spilled out of the jute sack and onto the floor. Earlier in the day, Merdyn had covered the wooden floor with his favorite carpet; it was large and heavy, with a red-and-blue Tairen maze running along its edges. Mother had given it to him ages ago. There were other touches of Merdyn throughout the room. A golden candelabra stood in the corner, offering a warm glow to the room. Elsewhere sat various books from around the world, Sea Folk porcelain vases, and even an antique piece of Cuendillar; it was shaped in the form of a panther, the Gilyard house symbol. Merdyn had even hidden a few sacks of gold, silver, and copper beneath one of the floorboards. It never hurt to have a secret stash of coin on hand.

 

                Without missing a beat, Merdyn channeled air and brought the items out of the sack. With a deft touch, he scattered them around the room. The bed became more inviting and luxurious with its new additions, the windows looking bigger with their floor-to-ceiling curtains, and the walls more vibrant with the paintings he set upon them. Merdyn dusted his hands, feeling very proud of himself. Nox’s simple cottage was starting to look like a real home. True, Merdyn’s own chambers were now stark and bare; but he didn’t intend to spend much time alone in those rooms anymore. This was his new home. With Nox.

 

                Thank the Light Nox had to teach a few new recruits today… I’d never get this all done if he wasn’t preoccupied. Oh, I cannot wait to see his face! The place looks incredible! A palace almost! Nox deserves it. He deserves the entire world! If only I could give it to him… No… This will have to do for now… Light, I love that man.

 

                Merdyn picked up the jute sack and spun on his heel. The next step in the plan was to run over to the Soup Kitchen and fix them a lovely lunch. He’d have it all set up here, atop a brand-new tablecloth and even more Sea Folk porcelain. Nox’s heart would melt at the sight of it, Merdyn was sure of it. Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to fetch the lunch; the door to the little ‘love-nest’ started to open and he knew it was his lover on the other side of that big door. No one else would bother barging in unannounced, save Adrim… But then, Merdyn didn’t actually know if Adrim would show up unannounced. No. It had to be Nox.

 

                Plastering the biggest smile he could muster onto his face, Merdyn stood there with open arms, waiting for Nox to enter the house. Merdyn was planning on giving him the biggest kiss possible… And maybe more… If Nox was touched enough by the redecorating.

Edited by Oddpositions

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Training the past few students was annoying, he'd rather have stayed home.  Maybe Merdyn would be busy in the soup kitchen.  He needed space.  Not that he didn't like having Merdyn around.  It was great.  But things were changing too fast.  It wasn't even a day later and he had a chest of clothes taking up space.  

 

And then a few other things trickled in.  Nox was having a hard time dealing with the new things.  He spent a good half of the day calming from close panic attacks. Only to come home to find Merdyn redecorating again.  He expected nothing different today and Nox tried to ignore it.  He walked in and saw Merdyn standing there.  

 

He only had eyes for the handsome man in front of him.  That's all he wanted to see.  Nox almost fell into his arms, the day had been stressful enough.  New students always were.  There was food on the table and Nox smiled.  It looked fancy and well planned.  "Let me wash up."  

 

Nox walked across the carpeted floor and grimaced but he tried not to let it bother him.  Until he reached the bed to sit down.  Nox stared at the bed and he lost it.  His heart started to beat faster as the panic started to take root. He spun around his room slowly looking at all the changes.  It looked like a nobleman's room.  Someone he was not.  Nox wasn't sure what was going on.  Everything was different.  His chest was heaving as he collapsed to the floor and closed his eyes.  He reached for the blankets on the bed and found silken bedding not his blanket.  He moved away from the bed to the corner of the room as quickly as his downed body would let him.  He curled up in a ball and pressed his head to his knees and tried to slow his breathing.  Why was everything changing?

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                Merdyn’s eyes goggled at the sight of Nox sinking to the ground, clawing his way over to the corner of the room. He had warned Merdyn that this would happen. He had been waiting for Nox to have a breakdown, the other man had been so sure it would have happened the day after their lovemaking, but it didn’t come. And then a day passed without incident, followed by another. Merdyn had actually convinced himself that Nox was just being dramatic. That was foolish. Merdyn had seen the other man collapse to the ground a few times now. He wasn’t shocked at the action, but by the fact that it was happening now.

 

                What did I do?

 

                Looking around the room in a panic, Merdyn realized the cause almost instantly. How foolish he had been. How very foolish. Nox had specifically mentioned ‘your stuff in my space,’ when referring to his panic attacks. That had been the entire reason Merdyn was easing into the whole thing. At least he thought he had been easing into it all. Maybe he had the first few days, but as time went by and no incident occurred, Merdyn had just dove in without thinking.

 

                Light, you are a moron, Merdyn Gilyard!

 

                He had assumed that if this really was a problem, Nox would have said something; or had a more volatile reaction. Oh, he had said he was not violent in his outbursts, but part of Merdyn didn’t believe that. Father was violent when angry, even some of Merdyn’s teachers had been violent at times. He had been caned and spanked more often than he cared to remember. He could deal with those things. Incurring a welt or a bruise was of little consequence to Merdyn, especially after training in the Black Tower… But this was a whole nother beast. Not one Merdyn couldn’t handle, but one he wasn’t exactly familiar with. If things were going to work out with Nox, he would have to buck up; and stop being so self-absorbed.

 

                Merdyn’s love was lying on the ground, curled in a ball and breathing heavy. That wouldn’t do. Not for him, and not for Nox. Especially not for Nox.

 

                I have been so stupid… Light… I hope he can forgive me.

 

                Channeling flows of air, Merdyn hastily threw everything back into his jute sack. Anything that wouldn’t fit was left in a neat pile next to the bag. The room looked almost exactly as it had, save for the food and the curtains (Merdyn really thought they set the room off, extra accouterments or no.) He hated taking it all away, stripping the room bare. He really thought he was doing something nice for Nox, for the both of them. Who wouldn’t want to live opulently? Common folk strove to imitate the Highborn. Any other man would have appreciated this all.

 

                But Nox wasn’t ‘any other man.’ He was Merdyn’s man.

 

                With another flow, Merdyn kicked the decorations out of the front door; the pile landing unceremoniously next to the steps that led to the door. He would collect it later. If someone stole it, who cared? Merdyn had no need of the things, at least not now. Maybe one day, Nox would want to spruce the place up a little, but that day was not today. Merdyn didn’t care. He vowed to protect and shelter Nox, and he was doing a horrible job of it so far.

 

                Walking slowly over to the other man, Merdyn scooped him up and brought him over to the bed. It still had Nox’s blankets and pillows set up, Merdyn had only covered them in his silken sheets; he didn’t do away with Nox’s things. He would never throw anything of Nox’s away without his consent.

 

                Merdyn laid down next to Nox and took him into his arms, pulling the other man’s head to his chest. They laid there in silence for a few moments, Merdyn’s chest rising and falling slowly. He made comforting sounds as he smoothed Nox’s hair away from his face. Every so often he laid a kiss on the other man’s head.

 

                Finally, Merdyn broke the silence in a low voice, “Light… Nox… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean… You told me and I didn’t listen; didn’t hear it completely… Blood and bloody ashes, I am a dullwitted milksop. You have to know I didn’t mean to invade your space like that. I just thought it would be a nice surprise… But… No. I was being selfish… Oh, Nox… I am so sorry… What can I do to make it better? Shhh… It’s okay…”

 

                Light, what a mess I’ve made…

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Nox was completely aware of the other man in the single room dwelling.  He knew he was being unreasonable, but it wasn't like he planned it.  He wasn't looking for sympathy nor did he want to make Merdyn feel bad.  The power swept across the room cleansing it of the 'offending' items.  Which only made things worse.  Merdyn thought he was angry with him.  It was nothing like that.  "Too much."  Nox muttered over and over again.  It was jsut too much change.

 

Nox let his lover lift him to their shared bed.  He did consider it theirs now.  But the more and more Nox thought about it the less and less he thought Merdyn would stay.  It might be best to be happy with what he got and hide his over reactions for when he was alone.  Nox didn't know if he was strong enough to do that, this was his home, his sanctuary.  His safety net.

 

Merdyn's arms were comforting.  His prior thoughts dissipating with the loving care he was receiving.  He wasn't running.  But he had the wrong idea.

 

Nox didn't turn around but he whispered into the comfort of his lover, how odd that felt.  "I'm sorry.  You went through a lot of trouble and I ruined it."

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                Nox was talking again. That was good. Merdyn clutched him tighter, afraid he might sink back into darkness. The decorations and everything meant little to him so long as Nox was all right. For a moment there, Merdyn really did believe that he had blown everything despite what Nox had told him so many nights ago in bed. After the loss of Kyllian, part of Merdyn felt that he would never find love again.

 

                He wouldn’t lose Nox.

 

                Merdyn took a deep breath and steadied himself, sounding more confident than he felt. Nox needed him to be strong; so strong he would be. For Nox. For the both of them.

 

                “Don’t apologize, sweet one. Really. You didn’t ruin anything. I was afraid I did; if we’re being honest with each other. Don’t worry. Not much effort was involved, just a few tricks of the Power. I could set it all back up again if I needed to, but I don’t. That was too much. You are right. Those things mean nothing to me. They’re just pieces of my past. I should have thrown them away a long time ago. The past means nothing to me… Not when I have you here with me in the present,” Merdyn kissed Nox’s head again, then nuzzling into his neck for a moment.

 

                He meant all of those things. Over the last few months,, Merdyn had danced with the idea of putting forth his claim to his Father’s estates and titles. Father wasn’t dead, but he had no other heir. Talking with Lillian Sedai had made it all clear to Merdyn. Assuming the mantle of Lord Gilyard would do wonders for the Black Tower, and even the White Tower if things played out in a certain way… The thought now tasted like ashes in his mouth.

 

                Merdyn would still pursue that if he had thought it was something Nox wanted. ‘Lord Nox.’ It had a certain ring to it. Merdyn liked the sound of it. His life would be something like a gleeman’s tale if that ever happened. The poor boy working at pleasure houses going on to discover the power within himself, ultimately falling in love with a High Born fellow and then becoming a Noble himself. That wouldn’t happen, though. Nox wasn’t that kind of person and Merdyn had started to disassociate himself from all of that. His family didn’t want him. Nox did, however; and that was worth more than all the gold in Andor.

 

                Merdyn pressed another kiss to Nox’s head and went on, “I just thought you might like seeing the place spruced up a bit. I wanted to make the place worthy of you, Nox. I love you. I want to give the world to you, but I see I may have been overstepping things… This is all so new. For both of us. I should have asked. Don’t worry about those things. I just want you to be happy. If you like the house the way it is, then I do too… I kept the curtains though… I do fancy them… But they can go too, if you want. I don’t need them in this life; just you.”

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Nox rolled over and pressed a kiss to Merdyn's lips.  He could do that so many times and still never get enough.  Nox had a lot of issues, he knew this.  Merdyn was just now beginning to see the the depths of it.  There was strength and there was weakness and while Nox was strong, he was also very weak.  The trait had affected him, but he'd always been that way, it was only worse now.

 

Nox pressed another quick kiss to his lovers lips and pulled himself close to him.  Nox pulled away enough so he could see the color of Merdyn's eyes and spoke softly."It's not too far.  I want you here.  Bring whatever you like.  Just do it slowly."  Nox grinned against his lips.  "Maybe, one new thing a day, or every other day."  Nox sighed and rolled back on to his back and stared at the ceiling.  "I might still have an attack but it won't be like today's."

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                Merdyn felt his heart beat harder as Nox spun around to kiss him. Just the reaction he had been looking for. With a gentle hand, Merdyn brushed some hair from Nox’s face to get a better look at him. He could stare into the eyes for the rest of the turnings of the Wheel and never tire from it. Nox was perfect. The only regret Merdyn had was that it took them so long to get to this point. In retrospect, there were signs what was brewing. Had Nox known back then? Merdyn hadn’t.

 

                With another kiss and squeeze, Nox spun around onto his back. Merdyn stayed on his side, propped up on his elbow. He drew a finger down Nox’s chest, drawing lazy circles around his torso. With a smirk, Merdyn replied, “I think I’d like that. Dunno why I didn’t think of that in the first place… Just eager is all… At least I know now. We won’t be repeating that intentionally.”

 

                Then a thought came to Merdyn, “I know we’re keeping the curtains today, but maybe you wouldn’t mind one small temporary addition for the night…” Embracing the Source, Merdyn opened a Gateway just a foot down from the ceiling. As the silvery line snapped open, it revealed an endless night sky filled with glittering stars, birds in flight, and a giant moon. To Nox, it would have looked like there was no roof on the house, just them and the night sky. It was still daylight where they were, so Merdyn had to open it out over the ocean a day or two out from the coast. “I’ve always thought the night sky was soothing…”

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The smell of salt air stirred in the room.  It wasn't unpleasant, at least it wasn't the gross stench of the mud in Illian or Tear.  He hated that smell.  And the stars were pretty, though he had a tendency to count the stars.  So instead Nox pressed his head into the crook of his lover's neck and took a deep breath.  "I'm sorry I'm difficult.  But thank you for being here."

 

He hadn't actually had anyone ever take an interest before.  Adrim was different, he cared but it wasn't the same.  Merdyn wanted to be here with him.  Nox didn't think he'd ever find someone.  The idea that Merdyn wanted more, wanted a life with him scared Nox, and made him happy all at the same time.  Nox grinned against his neck and spoke quietly.  'Maybe in a few days you can put the bedding on.  I've never slept on silk before." He leaned up on one elbow and looked across to his nobleman and he truly was his, with a smirk "Just make sure my blanket is easily accessible." 

Edited by Matalina

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                Nox nuzzled into Merdyn’s neck and apologized for the difficulties. Merdyn couldn’t help but smirk, “Hey, love, don’t you ever apologize for being you. I fell in love with Nox; every smile, every tear, every word that makes up you. I don’t want to ever hear you say you’re sorry for those things. If any of this were a problem I wouldn’t be here, and I’m not going anywhere, so get used to it.” He placed a kiss upon Nox’s scalp.

 

                The décor was still sitting outside, unceremoniously in a heap next to the front door. Those were all things from his past life, a life he was not eager to embrace again, not with Nox here. An idea dawned on Merdyn, “Well… How about this? Maybe we can take a trip to Camelyn, or any city really, and purchase new things for the house together? One thing at a time, of course… But if this is gonna be our space, then it’s only right that we make those kinds of decisions together,” He covered Nox with kisses before going on, “And I wouldn’t ever dream of taking your blanket away… It is rather soft isn’t it?”

 

                A light breeze picked up from the Gateway that was opened up overhead. Smells from the forgotten trays wafted over to the bed. Merdyn cocked an eyebrow at Nox and said, “As delicious as it is to look at you, my stomach still needs food… Would you care to join me at the table? I did prepare two rather delectable looking hens… They were runts, but each one a perfect serving size for one man. I roasted up some potatoes and corn to go along with it… But if you’re not in the mood, I can always send it back for something else… Anything you want, Nox, I will provide.”

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That sounded like a logical plan but Nox didn't like shopping.  Most shop owners didn't like scrawny scruffy kids in their shops when he was a kid and now it caused anxiety to remember how much he lacked as a child and still now how much he didn't have.  Nox only nodded at the suggestion.  He would bear the anxiety and Merdyn would help him through it.  Just like now.  "I might be able to handle that with you."

 

The food did smell good.  Nox didn't bother getting dressed as he walked over to the table Merdyn had made for them.  It was fancy too.  The plates, the meal everything.  He grinned at Merdyn.  "You know I'll eat anything right?"  He looked over at his lover as he sat down.  "I'll never say no to any hot cooked meal.  And if you made it for me, even less of a chance I'll say no."  That's what happened when you were a poor kid.  It truly was amazing Nox hadn't gained weight coming to the tower, he had more food in his belly on any given night than he had most of his childhood in a week. 

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                Merdyn saw something in Nox’s eyes, taking it for the anxiety. It looked like a little tightness. The sight stung a little, but he nodded and smiled back all the same. They’d start slow. Shopping for food first, maybe. The Tower’s larders were fine and all, but Merdyn had preferred to keep a few foodstuffs of his own on hand. Things to eat on the run, mostly. Small casks of pickled items, dried and cured meats, a wheel or two of cheese, flatbreads, and candied fruits. They were busy more often than not on the Farm, so those small things made life easier. Oh, he would cook for Nox every day for the rest of their lives, but the convenience was key sometimes.

 

                “Maybe you can go to the markets with me next week. I’ll have to pick up a few things for the Soup Kitchen, and I was thinking of getting some things for us too… You’d be surprised what the keeping weave could do for food. It’d be nice to have a few small things to eat on hand, especially if you wake up in the middle of the night with a craving. Start small. What’s more basic than food? It won’t even be in the room permanently once we get at it,” Merdyn said to Nox with a glowing smile.

 

                Rising from the bed, Merdyn walked over to the table and sat down across from Nox. He attacked the food with gusto, wanting to finish it before it got too cold. He could always use the Power to reheat it, but it didn’t taste the same reheated… Between bites, Merdyn went on, “I know. I seem to remember a certain meal we had together before I gained the second pin… I think that’s when I started feeling things for you, Nox… Although I didn’t know it at the time,” Merdyn reached across the table and squeezed Nox’s hand. He held it for a moment before letting go and asking, “How’s the food?”

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Nox sighed as he ate.  "I can go shopping.  We don't have to go slow.  I'm not fragile.  I'll tell you when I'm done and can't handle anymore."  He knew it sounded snappy but he wasn't a kid.  And he knew he was a mess.  Nox took a few more bites and then looked up at Merdyn.  "I'm sorry.  I'm not used to having something tip toe around my issues.  I know you care.  And don't want to upset me.  But you can't live that way, with every worry.  Trust me to know my limits."

 

Nox smiled at Merdyn.  "The food is excellent."  He didn't ignore the comment he'd made.  Nox was trying to figure out how to say what he needed to.  "We've had a lot of those moments for me.  Where you are there when I'm not at my best.  I'm trying not to be such a mess. I don't know if I want you to see inside my head, but then I think what's better, then I don't have to explain.  You feel it.  You don't need me to tell you, you'd know. This wouldn't happen.  But what happens when you get tired of me, of all this." Nox waved his hands indicated everything about him, the mess the anxiety just everything he disliked about himself and couldn't do much about other than cope.  It wasn't his fault... and it wasn't Merdyn's he didn't deserve this.

Edited by Matalina

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                Merdyn nodded thoughtfully as Nox spoke. Of course, he did not think that the man was a child, nor was he made of glass. This was still new for the both of them and Merdyn didn’t want to reduce his lover to a crumpled heap on the floor… not again…

 

                Nox was right, of course; tiptoeing about was no way to live. Behaving in such a fashion was disrespectful to Nox too. Merdyn had never treated him in that way. Oh, he had been cautious around the man when they were first introduced, but that had been because of their relationship dynamic at the time. They were equals now and Nox had not brought Merdyn into his life to serve as a constant reminder of the Taint.

 

                “Oh, you don’t have to apologize, love; it should be me. We talked about this all. I’m just trying to understand, to find my way in this, and with you. I said it already, but I just found you… I don’t want to lose you over something as trivial as draperies and porcelain… I guess I haven’t been listening as intently as I should,” Merdyn shoved his food around a bit on his plate, chewing at his bottom lip before going on, “I remember the first time we met and how nervous I was around you; wanting to impress and to learn and to become a weapon for the Tower. I wanted to become everything that I saw in you. You’re not a child’s doll, you won’t shatter if I stumble. No. You have your flaws, love, but so do we all… In my eyes, you are perfect.”

 

                Merdyn went back to eating what remained on his plate, blushing slightly at Nox’s compliment over the dish. The man had said he’d eat anything, but Merdyn still wanted to know what it was exactly that he adored. Everyone on the planet had a favorite dish, whether they knew what it was or not. Those kinds of things helped to comfort people, why, anytime Merdyn was down he’d make a pie… Apple or custard… He always felt better after those little private moments. Nox could enjoy those things too, they might even help him deal with the panic attacks… There would be time to figure those things out in the future.

 

                Thinking back on those times where Nox had succumbed to the Taint, Merdyn had been there to pick him back up. He hadn’t ever done anything else other than spending time with the man and also feeding him. That’s how they would proceed from now on. Merdyn and Nox would keep living, and Merdyn would be there whenever Nox fell down.

 

                “How about you just focus on being you? Don’t worry about any ‘messes.’ I won’t treat you like glass if you promise to just be yourself around me. I might get worried from time to time, but that’s inevitable. I love you. Of course, I am going to worry… Our relationship is still so new, we’ve only been together in this manner for a week or two; there is still plenty to learn. All of this is completely normal, trust me. I guarantee it’ll at least be another month or two before the two of us find our rhythm…”

 

                Merdyn put down his fork, dabbed at the corners of his mouth with a linen napkin, and rose from the table. He walked around it, taking Nox’s hand and drew that handsome Asha’man up from his seat. Merdyn brought both of his hands up and cupped Nox’s face with both of them, staring deeply into his eyes. Merdyn went on softly, “If you never want to have me inside of your head, I can accept that… Can’t say I fancy the idea of not becoming your Warder, but I can’t force that upon you; I don’t want to force that on you. Just think about it. Regardless of what your fear, I’m not. Going. Anywhere. Not until you tell me you’re completely and irrevocably done with me… And even then, I can’t guarantee that I won’t sit outside your window, playing the lute and singing you dopey songs to try and win your heart back,” He chuckled despite himself, “If, and when you’re ready, I am here, darling. You just say the word and I am your sword, your shield, your protector.”

 

                Merdyn kissed Nox deeply.

 

                Drawing back, Merdyn took on another serious look, “But please… Don’t you ever think that I would leave you. Ever. I may not completely understand what goes on in that beautiful head of yours, but if it means being tied to you for the rest of my days… Well, I think I could take on the Dark One himself with you in the back of my head…”

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How did he get so lucky?  The world never gave him anything, and here was a man willing to give him everything.

 

And while the thought scared him to death he wanted Merdyn to stay forever.  But Nox had never been good with giving himself fully to anyone.  Sharing his body was easy.  His space and his heart were difficult.  He wanted to say yes, but he let his lover kiss him, and reassure him again.  He'd have to reassure him again probably several more times before the courage to say yes left his lips.  

 

Nox was such a mess.  He would never feel good enough for Merdyn.  He was a noble.  But he'd try to be worthy...

 

[[ we can wrap this up if you want don't really have much more to go.  You opened a new thread.  I think Nox needs to do some 'betterment' exercises which I know are unncessary but Merdyn can catch him taking etiquette or speech lessons or something equally 'noble' ]]

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