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Growing Up Was Gonna Be...




My and my Jane [[Lyrics//Song]]


After clearing away the chaff of other stuff in my head (the Chilly Willy them, that song from when Prince wasn't Prince, and a track from Rent, this is what popped to the fore. I'm suspecting it's 'cause I was thinking of my high school sweetheart in the last day or two; he'd've had us married nearly as soon as we graduated if he'd had his way. And while I, to this day, love and value him as a friend, I felt trapped on that damned pedestal he put me on. I suspect that anyone who wants to be on a pedestal has no concept how boring, how fragile, how unrelatable you really feel on one... it's not nice. I do look forward to seeing him next, though, and meeting his wife, and sharing my husband and child. After all, Jake (the person in question) is family after a fashion, and I delight in his joys, as he delights in mine.


Of course, he was on my mind because something nice happened this week - we got our first raise since I moved here. And while it's not oodles oodles much more, it means that we might be able to go to the States next year. I've not visited Dallas since I left in May 2007, and Neil has yet to have gone, so there's a lot of me that he's not gotten to touch base with. Le gasp, there WAS once a day when my friendships weren't exclusively net-based - mirable! But Jake isn't really online, Chris' looka-lika-Bjorkman fiancee is incredibly jealous of me and my sisters for being tiny and pretty (and, I admit, 'cause Chris and I used to have a little something something when we were like.. nineteen). Zach and I drifted after he went to college and found a surrogate for me (not that he's aware of this fact, and I'm not inclined to beat him up for it), and Grady and his brothers... after the fall-out between Jake and their sister, I've just not even tried to touch base. Things change, people change, and too many people take for granted that relationships aren't forever. I've done it, you've done it, we've all done it. People worry more about quantity than quality, and wonder why their lives are still so hollow.






Then you get my problem, where I'm affable and nice and people tend to think that I'm more into them than I am, hee hee. I'm working on trying to affirm the validity of my relationships though; I think most people who know I give a crap know I give a crap by now, and that I'm not just thinking it loudly. But then, my rich internal dialog does tend to prevent me from murderlizing people with my tongue... there's a lot of balancing act there, eh? ;)


Anyways, there's a tiny slice of random. Relieved of it, I'm going to go get my usual morning caffeine-crack fix on.





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