spigots or caudrens
114 members have voted
Personal Halloway: [[Song & lyrics]]
And so, this is today's take two. Take one is locked, which... I presume means only I can see it? If you can see it, well... sorry? xD But it was too full of ire to really want to inflict on people; it's not the world's fault that I'm made of anger and frustration. And unfortunately, that is a large portion of myself, so in not inflicting that on the world at large, I guess I am slightly dishonest about who I am. But on the other hand, there are some societal norms that should be observed, and being kindly to each other is one of them.
Anyways, why was I pumping ire forth? Well, let's see... I can't seem to keep a thought together today, every.fucking.thing in the house was distracting me (not a hard feat, mind), and frustration was mounting. I finally got to the point where I was throwing stuff across the rooms and slamming doors, which... not really good. Neil took Leah with him to work, declaring that I direly needed some proper alone time... and he's right, I do. As much as I love my family, I cease to function without the occasional day to myself. And this, of course, has been aggravated by the fact that this is high-density visitation time. Even if Melly is/was/will be the perfect houseguest (she really is - I'd nominate her for a roommate any time), that's still another person in my space. Even if she's wonderfully quiet and non-demanding, that's someone still in my space, my peripheral vision, another thing to distract my fragile and easily shattered attention.
And because it is my nature to not let things get me down, that just means that they continue to pile on, and pile on, and then suddenly... blam, boom, slam, it all gets to me in a rush. I've never really learned to healthily deal with emotions and stressors, so they are sorted in the less-neat method outline above. It becomes almost compulsive, the urge to break something; it always has, and always will, take me great willpower to not start throwing stuff out the window to find release. It's as if the sound of something breaking allows me to break, to let out the tears and pain that I insist on bottling up because I just don't have the time or resources to cope with them like a normal person supposedly does. Instead, I'll be a bit off the entirety of the day (and probably liberally dosing myself with sugar, hee hee), and hopefully I'll start feeling human again by the time my family returns to me 6 and a half hours hence. :)
Plus - I DID call this. I knew it was coming, and yet... it still takes my by surprise. I'm pleased by this, in that life can always surprise me. And y'know, annoyed, 'cause I don't like being angry and annoyed!
So then, what shall I do in an attempt to re-reach my center? Beats the snot out of me; if I knew how to relax, I'd be a lot more with the zen. I've got enough room in my calories for the day to keep myself well upped on sugar (coffees, teas, and energy drinks - oh my!). I've got smelly-nice candles to try to encourage nasal enjoyment, a plethora of good music (though I'll probably park it on ETN.fm), and noooo distractions. Maybe I'll just sprawl out on the floor and see what happens... maybe. I've still got my radio show tonight, so whatever the case - I can be happy that this breaking point was reached well in advance of that. I DEFINITELY hate inflicting it on the poor listeners, hee hee.
Right... I go for to erm... something. Maybe play some Sims, maybe roll on the floor. We'll see what seems best, and the least stressful.