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Elgee's Blog

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Danger zone - wear a hard hat.



As some of you might be aware, I suffer from Chemical Depression. There are various theories and schools of thought on this; not even the shrinks seem to agree on it. From my experience, no amount of psycho-analysis, "learn to love yourself", therapy, etc helps very much - it's chemical, and I can't control it or talk it away, or whatever. In fact, those shrinks who told me I should be able to get better through therapy, etc, only drove me to the point of suicide because they made me feel even MORE worthless, inept & useless because I couldn't even succeed at THAT!


It took one who told me the following to save my life: "The chemicals in your brain override any amount of therapy you will try, so stop feeling like a failure because that's not working for you - it's NOT your fault! Besides, your life DOES suck, you CAN'T change some of the things about it and not be driven to even worse depression because of guilt, and even if things get better, the chemicals can strike at any time and mess you up. So take the damned prozac or you'll end up in the morgue."


Well, I took his advice and it really turned my life around. I wasn't on the pills permanently, but it did stabilize me to the point where I could retain a grip on myself for many years.


Unfortunately, it seems that now that good period is at an end. For the past year, things have gotten progressively worse again. Coupled with the fact that various bits of crap have hit me from several sides during this time, and continue to do so, and things are now not so good.


Some are my own making - maybe all of them. Intellectually I know that I DON'T have to be perfect and compliant for people to love me, and if they really did love me, they wouldn't expect that of me ... but ... yeah...


Anyhoo, to make a long story short, this is a request to please bear with me if I get emo, snappish, or whatever mood I switch to in the blink of an eye. And if you don't feel your way free to do that, well ... tough. Avoid me or don't mess with me. I have enough on my plate without worrying about someone else's sensibilities any more - I'm saving that for any interactions that form part of my duties as Staff.


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