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A New Beginning

Sunrise Lord



Where to start...




So very many emotions, but put as simply as my mind can process right now, tonight I start a new life. No longer will I hide myself in darkness and shame; fear and doubt; guilt and pain; sorrow and heartache. Tonight I take the very first, tiny, step towards living up to the name you all have given me: Sunshine. But it's so much more than that... I embark on a journey that will last the rest of my life, and who on God's green Earth knows where it will take me. So many possibilities have been revealed to me recently, and for the first time I dare to hope about the future. Tonight I cast off the shackles that have for so very long chafed, and face the world with determination. I will be met with stark opposition, I know that for a fact, but now I will face it with light and strength in place of submission.



I'm tired of hiding; the mask I've spent so long and imbued with such energy and fervor to keep in place is finally coming completely off, crumbling beneath the truth of my "I am." I have no idea what's in store for me in the future, but I'm confident things will work out. I know my words sound bold and confident, but really I'm so so afraid. After all, the mask is all I've ever known. From the age of four, I've had to wear it or else risk being beaten both literally and figuratively, physically and emotionally. I'm letting go of who I was and embracing who I know in my heart I am. I feel like someone has taken the map away, and the road ahead isn't clearly there for me to see. Or that's how I felt recently. Now, I'm beginning to realize I don't need the map, for maps are something others draw. I realize now that I don't need a map drawn by someone else; I can make the road as I go, myself. The road is of my making, and I can make it anything I want it to be. There is so much joy in that knowing, it brings me to tears. Of course there are pitfalls along the way, in fact I'm in the midst of one right now, but they are of my own making. In some strange way, it's comforting to know that my failures are what I make them. Because who else truly knows a person like themselves?




I leave this entry with a song, one that has recently given me both tears of joy and of sadness, fitting I feel for the journey ahead.




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