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Rambling Night

Sunrise Lord



Feeling very sad and lonely tonight... I know why, but that's no consolation. For the past week, my little cousins have been at their grandma's house (my great aunt). I love those kids like they're my own--with all my heart and soul and more. I've had an absolute blast taking them to the swimming hole down the road every day except for yesterday and today, cause it was stormy yesterday and they were supposed to go to a birthday party this evening and their mom didn't want them to be too tired. I brought my Wii over for them to play (they asked and I can't ever refuse them) and we had a ball playing bowling and Mario Kart. I've stayed at my aunt's house every night they were here. The oldest (he's 10 on the 30th of this month) said "can you stay the night; I really want you to and it makes me happy when you do stuff with us." How could I refuse that? I teared up cause he has such a big heart, but doesn't express things very much and for him to say that was a pretty big deal. Him and his sister are more like a brother and sister to me than my own. I feel like I sound like a hard person for saying that but it's true; it's just one of those odd situations in life. Anyways, we've had such a wonderful time, words can't explain properly, I'm afraid. They had to go home today, so I took them earlier this evening. I just feel like if I never missed another moment of their lives, it still wouldn't be enough. I came home and--I'll admit--I cried I missed them so much already. I know I'm being a little irrational; there's endless oppurtunities to be around them. I don't understand why it hit me so hard this time. I mean, I take them back home 99% of the time, and while I feel a twinge of sadness to see them go back, I never have actually had it swamp me to the point of tears. I feel like they're my babies; in fact that's what I call them to myself. They're my little ones I need to care for and protect. I don't want children of my own; I have plenty of cousins (albeit these two are the only ones I see more than once a year) and will most likely have nephews and neices to spoil too. But these are very special to me and always have been. I was 11 years old when he was born, and I was calling my aunt every hour after they got to the hospital to see if he was born yet. I did the same with his sister. I changed their diapers when they were babies, I held them when they slept, played with them no matter if it wasn't exactly on my agenda. I guess not having my grandma around has given me a new perspective on just how precious the moments with your loved ones are. Not having her here is extremely hard, and I suppose I'm trying to hold onto them like I held onto her; so hard that I end up hurting myself when circumstance doesn't allow us to be together. I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

Well, I guess I've poured my heart out enough for one night, and rambled enough too. Love you guys, both in RL and on DM!



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Sunrise, it sounds like you had a wonderful time with them.


The death of your great grandmother has impressed upon you that time is not unlimited. That is a hard lesson to learn. On the surface we all know this to be true but it is a shock to the system when someone we love actually goes and is not coming back.


You seem to enjoy children a lot. I'm curious as to why you don't want to have children yourself, biological or adopted? You don't have to answer, of course. It's a perfectly acceptable choice. It's just that I see you have a lot of love for children and enjoy their company.


Being primarily responsible for them is a different matter, though. :-)


Try to enjoy the time you have with them and not focus on the separation even though it's temporary. Your heart is consumed with loss right now so it's natural that it's your focus but it will get better.

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That's a difficult question to answer.  Yes, I love children, but... having your own is a different ball game.  I love being there and having fun with them, plain and simple.


I do try.  I'm normally fine with being away, cause I know that I'll see them again soon, sometimes only a matter of a day or two.  But, it's a little hard right now, and I am aware of that and why.  I'm working on being more positive.

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