Feeling Pensive...And maybe slightly confused
I've just been reading others' blogs and thought I should really update my own. Part of what I'm thinking about as I'm writing this is how happy I am that virtually nothing has happened since last I posted. I've been leading a relatively uneventful life in terms of what I do each day, which usually involves waking up inexcusably late in the day, eating whatever catches my eye from the fridge and sitting at a computer to write or just to see who might be on skype for me to chat to. I've been so glad to be able to really start getting to know some more DMers these holidays while the rest of my life is virtually on hold. It's an amazing feeling sitting there and watching other peoples' lives go whizzing by, seeing them do the things they want and fighting through misfortunes, to be an observer, watching from that little cocoon of timeless, eventless space I'm currently in.
But...school starts again next week. It's a daunting thing, the contrast between my days of relaxation and what is coming when I head back to school. School lessons, school music, music captaincy, cello lessons, teaching cello lessons, theory lessons, my theory exam, my cello exam, saving for once I finish school, auditioning for Universities. There's a lot to be done in this next year, however, I've dealt with the same before. Pressure makes me work. With no deadline to fight with, no pressure to do well, I don't do anything. With that pressure in place, I work at my best, I'm just one of those people. However, pressure isn't fun. It's great for a while when I'm on top of everything, but if I slip up and let too many things get on top of me...eek. It doesn't end well. I'm not particularly worried about this happening though. I can almost guarantee that it will later in the year when I start getting unbelievably busy, but I'm not there yet, so I don't really care. I'll try to be organised and prevent that from happening, but that's all for later consideration. It's merely the wall of schedules and lack of free time I see in my future that makes me groan...
However for the moment two things are slightly more pressing on my mind.
One. I thought I'd fallen out of love with this friend of mine. Unfortunately, I don't think I have. I was at her house today and she was leaning on me while we watched films. There was nothing more I wanted to do than wrap around her and hide her and keep her safe from that haunted look that appears on her face when she starts getting depressed. I wanted to kiss it away. And therein lies the issue.
This girl basically proved to me that I was bi. Who knows, she may have started the whole thing off. She's not really relevant to my sexuality anymore except that I still have the potential to be attracted to her. And I thought I wasn't anymore. We went to a party, she got drunk, she cried and snotted and blathered on to me about entropy for the next few hours while I took care of her and put her to bed, and I decided then and there that I was not in love with her, I decided I loved her like a sister, I wanted to protect her, but nothing more. And I was ok with that, happy with it even.
And now this...I'm taking it to mean that no, I am not as over her as I thought I was. Obviously I'm not. But I don't know what my feelings are anymore, they're so mixed up in what I thought before and things that my head keeps saying. I'm not upset over this confusion, nor would I be upset if I was definitely over her, or definitely into her, although the latter would be the most awkward. I've been in love with her before, fortunately I know how to deal with that. However, that opens up the whole, 'Does she love me back?' or more in my case, 'Can she love me back?' which is a debate I definitely do not want to have with myself when I'm not even sure what I feel for her. *sigh* This needs thought, and it needs distance. I'm not very good at either of them. But alarm bells are ringing. I want to kiss her again.
Something is going on.
The second thing is related to my cello but I don't know yet how/whether I want to share that with anyone yet. I need to sort it out in my own mind first. Maybe later I will post an entry about cello problems. Maybe.
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.