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A WHEEL OF TIME COMMUNITY
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As fate would have it...


Sunrise Lord

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As fate would have it....

 

 

As fate would have it, my parents split when I was 3, which I don't really remember. I just remember my mom and I all of a sudden living in an apartment, just the two of us. Mom left my dad, cause he was gone to work all the time, which she didn't like. They were married at the ages of 19 (my dad) and 18 (mom), about six months after I was born.

I didn't see my dad much, mainly cause my mom moved us (me, my little brother and sister, and herself) around quite a bit. I had contact with him maybe once a year until I was about 7, then we moved again and he didn't know where. My mom always held me at a distance for the most part. We were very close despite that, don't ask me how. I loved her--and still do--more than she ever expressed towards me. My mom is a very social and almost... flamboyant... person. I'm the polar opposite. I don't really like a lot of social stuff; it makes me tired. I'm not outgoing. I like to keep to myself. I'm calm and practical, though I do have a temper, which I usually don't show unless I'm just furious beyond expression. Our personality differences have been the source of countless clashes between my mom and I. She couldn't understand why I didn't socialize more, why I'd rather read a book on the weekend than go do something, etc. As fate would have it, she also knew just how to send her arrows straight to the heart, knew just what to say that would hurt the worst. When I moved away from home, it wasn't by my choice....

As fate would have it, I've begun to start up a relationship with my dad the past couple years, when I got the chance to go see him when I still lived with my mom, and regularly since I've moved closer to him. I've noticed that our personalities are very similar, even though I've had very little contact with him. I can't help but wonder if that's the reason my mom takes any chance she gets to send an arrow through my heart, that and the fact that my dad and I look almost exactly alike. We're different, too, very much so. My dad is very... macho. That's not to say he doesn't like a sappy song or movie or what have you. But, he doesn't tolerate any hint of a sexual preference other than male-and-female. He's also rather perverted. Neither viewpoints I share. I like him; he's an easy person to like But, I'm coming to realize that we have less in common than I first thought. In addition to the aforementioned viewpoints, he is a huge outdoors person, and always has been since he was a kid. He has very little love for video games and such, technology in general. I'm the exact opposite. I'm not outdoorsy, nor inclined to become more physically "fit", I love video games and technology. The only academic things we have in common is we both like to read (he reads "real world" fiction stuff, and I prefer sci-fi and fantasy), we both love history, and we both like science to a certain degree. I've done some outdoors stuff with him over the past couple years--fishing, hunting, camping, building fence--but I don't like most of it, cause it's just not my thing. He tries to be understanding, cause he wants a positive relationship with his only son, but I can tell he doesn't fully "get it." My little sister (his daughter, not my mom's) is more boyish and outdoorsy than I am. Meaning she'll go right along with whatever outdoor activity--or sport--he likes/wants her to do. He raised her, so she's more like a son than a daughter in her actions.

Another point that embarrasses him a little I think: he can drink alcohol all day long and still be sober enough to walk a straight line and drive and think, while I can't hold my liquor hardly at all. I also like music he feels is not exactly... manly. I'm fine with that--I don't care what the hell he thinks about my music choice, I like it. I don't like his favorite genre of music either, yet I have to listen to it whenever I go anywhere with him. It's country, by the way. Can't stand it, any form. I prefer classic rock, classical, instrumental, etc. As fate would have it, I'm torn. I want to have good relationship with him, but I can't--and won't--change how I am just to please him and make him think more of me. He's a good man, but I'm afraid that he can't accept our differences; he just doesn't have that kind of mentality. I want to be around him, but if he can't accept that I'm different from his expectations, I won't tolerate it. I'd rather not cut ties, but... I don't know. After all, we can only guess as to how fate will have it.

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Oh Sunrise *hugs* It hit me deeply reading your story. Parts of it is so similar to my own. My parents split when I was two; I don't remember much, but I can remember screaming and arguing. I have deep mental scars from what I've gone through in my childhood and teen years, and I've lost alot of my memory. But that one is still there. So, yeah, I can relate to a lot of your story.

 

I also understand the pain of cutting ties. Last year I decided I couldn't be close with my mother anymore. Different reasons from you and your dad; the short version is that she's an energy vampire for me who jsut sucks all positive things out of me.

 

But does it have to be either-or? Couldn't you find a middle ground between being really close and cut off? I'm sure he respects you for trying to do things with him that he likes. But  I also think he wouldn't want you to change who you are to be with him. You can still be friends and have a good vibe between you, even if you don't hang out all the time, go hiking and so on. Maybe you can find activities that you both like. Going to the movies for example, and maybe some "sort" of macho-ish acitivites like paintball? Don't know how you feel about that. It does seem like he's trying to understand, even though he doesn't get it completly, and that's a good sign at least :)

 

Anyhow, I wish you all the best, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm just a PM away :) (or a skype away if you have that)

 

 

 

*hugs*

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I was very touched reading this. We have been married almost 25 years and have two sons. My husband, myself and our youngest son are very much alike. We love the outdoors, animals, are religious, social etc. My oldest son is very quiet and mechanical, not like the rest of us at all. He is 22 and since he has matured we have grown closer. He calls frequently, he likes to visit and we enjoy having him home. He spends lots of time on the computer....gaming. He is reaching out to do things we all like to do, like target shooting, looking at new technology with his dad and says he wants to spend more time with us. I speak with him frequently on the phone and send him "care packages." He is in the military, stateside. I hope you can work out something similar with your dad.

 

Mish, you know me well enough not to think badly of me when I say this. My mother died of cancer when I was 30 and my oldest son was 2 months. I did not wish suffering on her or for her to be ill and die. However, I was relieved that I no longer had the burden of that relationship. I shared this with women in my book club and they were very understanding and some shared my feelings towards their own mothers, sadly so.

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Oh I don't think badly of you at all Ryrin. If my mother were to die tomorrow, I'd be a bit sad, but mostly relieved. Right now I'm more or less counting the days til my little brother (now 16) will be old enough to move away from home, so that I don't have to deal with her to get to him. When that happens, I won't talk to her at all unless I have to; but of course I'll be polite and courteous for Christmas, family birthdays etc.

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Thank you for your understanding, both of you.  I've been hurt over and over again in life (an alcoholic and drug addict for a step dad for nearly ten years, then one who tries to dominate anything and everyone for six, not to mention my mom's actions), but despite that I have a very positive outlook on life.  I am very sensitive, and always have been, which leads to being hurt quite easily, but I try not to show it.  Especially to him, since I don't want to hurt him either.  I'm trying to find a happy medium so to speak.

 

My mom has leukemia and failing kidneys, so she can only take chemo a couple weeks at a time every few months.  It's hard trying to reconcile the fact that she has such a severe illness which automatically brings out sympathy in me, and how she has treated me in the past.  I love her to death, but anytime I try to help, she pushes me away.  I can relate to that, Ryrin.

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Thank you guys for understanding. I am beyond guilt for my feelings as they are earned and not by me.

 

There are things I wish I could have done over with my sons but overall, we have a good family life.Most of us get two chances at parenting in life, one with no choice, the second with choice and we can choose the second time with love and joy (even though there are mistakes.)

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I am very close with my mom and step-dad but not with my biological father. His current wife did her best to wean him away from us (my sister and I) and for the most part she was successful. When I was 6, she told us this about our father: "He's not your daddy anymore, he's my girls' daddy now." Nice, eh? For all that, I haven't felt any lack because I am very much a daddy's girl but my step-dad is my daddy and has been since I was 7 (maybe a bit older because I didn't actually accept him right away).

 

Sunrise, all you can do is be who you are and hope they appreciate you enough to accept you as you are. Perhaps your dad through his actions and personality hurt your mom and she in turn reflected that back on you. It's not fair but it is what it is and it seems you are matter-of-factly dealing with it and you seem to have intuitively grasped that it's not necessarily you, or at least didn't originate with you. No, it's not easy but you are managing with a quiet strength. Also remember this about your dad: sometimes, "very macho" isn't displaying strength, it's sometimes bravado and bluster to hide feelings of inadequacy. Be yourself and exhibit your own strength. Accept your dad for who he is (which is sounds like you've done) but quietly "demand" he do the same by being true to yourself and who you are. I think some day he will respect that.

 

I wish everyone had a mother like mine. She's amazing. Even with all that our father pulled (including not paying child support), she never, ever bad-mouthed him to us nor did she try to keep us from seeing him (not that we really wanted to, but that was based on his own actions and those of his wife). She has been a rock for me my whole life and I still lean on her heavily.

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Darius,

 

I know of women like your step-mother and weak men who won't stand up to them. One man in particular has guilt and regrets. He should. As a woman, if I were in that situation, I would look at the kids as "bonus children," an added joy. Sadly, some women are not advanced enough on the evolutionary chain and see the "other" children as competition for resources and attention. I'm very happy you have a wonderful

Mom and step-dad!

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