Oh Sunrise *hugs* It hit me deeply reading your story. Parts of it is so similar to my own. My parents split when I was two; I don't remember much, but I can remember screaming and arguing. I have deep mental scars from what I've gone through in my childhood and teen years, and I've lost alot of my memory. But that one is still there. So, yeah, I can relate to a lot of your story.

I also understand the pain of cutting ties. Last year I decided I couldn't be close with my mother anymore. Different reasons from you and your dad; the short version is that she's an energy vampire for me who jsut sucks all positive things out of me.

But does it have to be either-or? Couldn't you find a middle ground between being really close and cut off? I'm sure he respects you for trying to do things with him that he likes. But  I also think he wouldn't want you to change who you are to be with him. You can still be friends and have a good vibe between you, even if you don't hang out all the time, go hiking and so on. Maybe you can find activities that you both like. Going to the movies for example, and maybe some "sort" of macho-ish acitivites like paintball? Don't know how you feel about that. It does seem like he's trying to understand, even though he doesn't get it completly, and that's a good sign at least :)

Anyhow, I wish you all the best, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm just a PM away :) (or a skype away if you have that)

*hugs*

I was very touched reading this. We have been married almost 25 years and have two sons. My husband, myself and our youngest son are very much alike. We love the outdoors, animals, are religious, social etc. My oldest son is very quiet and mechanical, not like the rest of us at all. He is 22 and since he has matured we have grown closer. He calls frequently, he likes to visit and we enjoy having him home. He spends lots of time on the computer....gaming. He is reaching out to do things we all like to do, like target shooting, looking at new technology with his dad and says he wants to spend more time with us. I speak with him frequently on the phone and send him "care packages." He is in the military, stateside. I hope you can work out something similar with your dad.

Mish, you know me well enough not to think badly of me when I say this. My mother died of cancer when I was 30 and my oldest son was 2 months. I did not wish suffering on her or for her to be ill and die. However, I was relieved that I no longer had the burden of that relationship. I shared this with women in my book club and they were very understanding and some shared my feelings towards their own mothers, sadly so.

Oh I don't think badly of you at all Ryrin. If my mother were to die tomorrow, I'd be a bit sad, but mostly relieved. Right now I'm more or less counting the days til my little brother (now 16) will be old enough to move away from home, so that I don't have to deal with her to get to him. When that happens, I won't talk to her at all unless I have to; but of course I'll be polite and courteous for Christmas, family birthdays etc.

Thank you for your understanding, both of you.  I've been hurt over and over again in life (an alcoholic and drug addict for a step dad for nearly ten years, then one who tries to dominate anything and everyone for six, not to mention my mom's actions), but despite that I have a very positive outlook on life.  I am very sensitive, and always have been, which leads to being hurt quite easily, but I try not to show it.  Especially to him, since I don't want to hurt him either.  I'm trying to find a happy medium so to speak.

My mom has leukemia and failing kidneys, so she can only take chemo a couple weeks at a time every few months.  It's hard trying to reconcile the fact that she has such a severe illness which automatically brings out sympathy in me, and how she has treated me in the past.  I love her to death, but anytime I try to help, she pushes me away.  I can relate to that, Ryrin.

Thank you guys for understanding. I am beyond guilt for my feelings as they are earned and not by me.

There are things I wish I could have done over with my sons but overall, we have a good family life.Most of us get two chances at parenting in life, one with no choice, the second with choice and we can choose the second time with love and joy (even though there are mistakes.)

I am very close with my mom and step-dad but not with my biological father. His current wife did her best to wean him away from us (my sister and I) and for the most part she was successful. When I was 6, she told us this about our father: "He's not your daddy anymore, he's my girls' daddy now." Nice, eh? For all that, I haven't felt any lack because I am very much a daddy's girl but my step-dad is my daddy and has been since I was 7 (maybe a bit older because I didn't actually accept him right away).

Sunrise, all you can do is be who you are and hope they appreciate you enough to accept you as you are. Perhaps your dad through his actions and personality hurt your mom and she in turn reflected that back on you. It's not fair but it is what it is and it seems you are matter-of-factly dealing with it and you seem to have intuitively grasped that it's not necessarily you, or at least didn't originate with you. No, it's not easy but you are managing with a quiet strength. Also remember this about your dad: sometimes, "very macho" isn't displaying strength, it's sometimes bravado and bluster to hide feelings of inadequacy. Be yourself and exhibit your own strength. Accept your dad for who he is (which is sounds like you've done) but quietly "demand" he do the same by being true to yourself and who you are. I think some day he will respect that.

I wish everyone had a mother like mine. She's amazing. Even with all that our father pulled (including not paying child support), she never, ever bad-mouthed him to us nor did she try to keep us from seeing him (not that we really wanted to, but that was based on his own actions and those of his wife). She has been a rock for me my whole life and I still lean on her heavily.

Darius,

I know of women like your step-mother and weak men who won't stand up to them. One man in particular has guilt and regrets. He should. As a woman, if I were in that situation, I would look at the kids as "bonus children," an added joy. Sadly, some women are not advanced enough on the evolutionary chain and see the "other" children as competition for resources and attention. I'm very happy you have a wonderful

Mom and step-dad!

Ok, I meant Daruya. Out correct kills me.