You know how sometimes you look back on events in your life and it seems like it happened yesterday, or a lifetime ago. I guess it kind of feels like both right now. I don't know. If you don't want to read this then I'm not forcing you to, but it's something that I have to get off of my chest. It is a bit of a morbid subject. October 2004, I can't believe it's been that long. Today eight years ago my best friend Matthew started on a path. He decided his time living a lie was over and he came out of the closet as being gay. He said he was doing it as part of national coming out day, which I actually just found out is today, so I'm pretty sure it was the same day. His parents had the most horrible reaction that I could imagine. They didn't accept him and told him that he was a demon who had stolen their child away. I tried to help him, but now I wonder if there is anything I could have done differently. I still remember to this day when he was sitting at our kitchen table crying because his parents hated him and a lot of kids in school were basically torturing the kid between calling him names, shoving him up against a locker. So we took him in. I should have done something for him, I should have fought for him. If I had known then what I know now. I've always been a pacifist, I've never been one to resort to violence if I can see a way to peacefully defuse a situation. You know, as human beings sometime we try to empathize with people, put ourselves in their shoes. We try to imagine what someone is going through, we see it, but we can never truly understand it, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we can. Well I tried, and obviously I had no idea. If I had known what he was feeling inside and what he was really going through I would have gone to hell and back and I would have torn down the the sky and ripped up the foundations of the earth to protect that kid. Being best friends for 14 years kind of does that thing to you.

Last Halloween he had had enough. His parents just couldn't leave well enough alone, they were harassing him and he hadn't been to school in a few days. So we came back from the haunted houses (Matthew said he wanted to be alone, so he stayed at the house) and that's when we found him. He hung himself on a support beam in his room. Didn't leave a note or anything. I don't know how I'm holding back the tears right now. Sorry, I'm a mess. It's just, sometimes the pain becomes too much. I still blame myself and I know I shouldn't. But I just can't help thinking that if I had done something differently then maybe he would still be alive today. I have no idea why I'm writing this. I don't even think anyone is going to read it and I don't care if they do. But I guess that if you are reading this then the purpose of it is this; If someone close to you comes out to you on this day, or any day in the future, put aside your feelings or your religious beliefs, and be there for them. Because if you don't, then you might lose them forever.

~Masema