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Why Am I So Nervous? (and other rambles)

Aiel Heart



I'm seeing Tristan tomorrow.


Not entirely certain why I'm so nervous about that.


Well, I suppose I do know.

All of the drama and hard times and then just how little we've talked in the last few weeks on top of the fact that I haven't seen him in 51 days (sad that I know that, ain't it?).


He helped move me into college. Came with and all that. Then he was tearing up when he was saying goodbye.... And he doesn't cry easily. Even more so since all of the drama it's seemed.


I'm worried about him lately. He's got all sorts of new friends and isn't in exactly the most stable situation and.... Just worry. I don't know these people so I'm just afraid they're the bad sort and will just take advantage of him. He's nicer and more of a pushover than he'd like to admit. Plus the world can tear people apart

*Sigh* and I can't take care of him like I used to anymore because A) we aren't dating and B) I live 3-4 hours away. Is rather stressful on my poor little worried mind :P


*Sigh* the world's changing. Old dreams going *poof* and I don't even know what's worth dreaming for anymore. I don't like change. I like having something I know I can depend on. There's so little that's dependable these days though... *Sigh*


He hasn't found anyone else yet... With all of the other girls he'd moved on within a month. He says he's tired of drama but he also says he still cares. I wonder if that means there's hope... He'd need to take down this wall he has between us though. We'd need to trust each other again. And he'd need to be willing to be there for me again.


I know he has trouble handling it. And when we're just friends that's ok. I'm used to being the one that's being supportive when it comes to friends. Something more though... I'd like to have someone to lean on.


*Sigh* so much damage on his soul.... I should've known better. Now he's back to a similar place to where he was before we were together. It wasn't good, and isn't now.


I'm scared for him... Hope he doesn't do anything too stupid. These new friends of his had better treat him right. They'll have his crazy exgirlfriend after them if they don't!


I wonder if he complains to them about me half as much as I complain to you guys about him... He says he cares and misses me and all that but as I've said before he doesn't always really act like it... *Sigh* just tough to judge these things when I talk to him little and see him significantly less.


Hopefully after tomorrow he'll talk to me more though. We can work on some of what's standing between us so that isn't there anymore.


Heh. I miss the good old days. Back when I freaked out about grades and college all of the time but at least I had him and my friends to lean on. Now I'm in college, not as freaked out about grades, and feel sort of adrift.... I like being anchored. It's reassuring. At least my future seems pretty certain career-wise. Special education is a growing field, and actually I have connections to someone who's going to be opening a special education school in the next few years so I may already have a job all lined up :P But yeah I can probably get a job pretty much anywhere with pretty good job security... That future just seems empty though.


Well, if things don't work out with Tristan, maybe something will happen with that other guy who likes me or maybe I'll actually meet a tall, handsome deep-voiced Catholic cowboy :P

He must also have a good sense of humor, like to read and watch movies, be supportive and caring, and give good hugs. Haha should put it in the want ads :P


I'm making progress, so that's a good thing. Even a month or two ago I wasn't willing to admit that maybe I'd find someone else. I didn't think I deserved anyone else. After all I went through with Tristan and put Tristan through and all that crap, thought maybe it'd be better for me to be alone, and that I deserved to be alone. Thinking a bit different now. Not totally accepting of it but... I am open to there maybe being a possibility that there might be someone else out there for me :P


As stated many times, I am not good with change


Not seeing him until tomorrow evening. I'm going to be checking the clock every five minutes tomorrow aren't I?


Well maybe the sleep monster will attack still tonight and I'll sleep most of tomorrow away!!!! (I'm feeling on the verge of collapse already though, so maybe not...)


There's this song by an Irish pop boyband called Westlife that I'm obsessed with right now. Even if you don't usually like that kind of music... Well they're like the only boy band that I actually like and this song is just.... It's hard to explain... Soothing is the best word. The music video's pretty good too. Here's a link if you're interested (note: in the music there are 4 UNRELATED story lines. The 4 band members are the guy in the bar, the guy in the car crash (both obvious because we see them sing a lot) the guy driving the other car, and the guy who's running through the hospital at the end): http://www.directlyrics.com/westlife--safe-music-video-news.html


He's texting me a lot more tonight than he has in ages. I suppose I'm trying to keep the conversation going but he's responding more too so.... Yeah.


This is a good place to let stressful and happy things out :) thanks for being such good listeners.


HA I FOUND THE MAYFLY!!!!!!!!!! (The big bugs that look like huge mosquitos but actually eat mosquitos so I try to let them live--those are called Mayflies right?) This one has been flying around and then disappearing and I really don't like bugs so It as making me nervous when I didn't have tabs on its location :P


Ok now that I have it safely in the corner of my eye, back on topic


Not that I was really talking about anything I was just thanking you when it started flying around again.


I wonder if it bugs people when I post every day. This is a great stress reliever though. Or I can talk about happy things. You guys will probably start hearing about my broomball team and my class soon :P



I want a puppy. Somebody in my audience join the Wolfkin :P


Oh no it moved... ok found it. It seems drunk....... Kinda stumbling around and flying in circles..... Hmm... wonder if it's dying. I'M WATCHING YOU BUG. Haha the mayfly reads my blog. It's somehow reading from 3 feet to my left. Hello buggy.


Note: I'm in my living room. If it were in my sleeping quarters it would not be alive now.


*Happy sigh* once again experiencing the calm stillness of night. This kind of peace is rare in this house.


Hmm... It just flew around then landed in the exact same spot. Curious. Meh! Stop flying you bloody insect!!!!!!


Ok... It's kinda behind the plant now... Can still see it if I turn around.....


Hehehe... Maybe I should end this and retreat to my room....might be wise for my sanity.... or I can just move anyway... good plan will do that.


I like the song I wrote in the Oiger Stedding... Look at the thread "Oiger Songs" (I just closed it down and am too lazy to go fetch a link for you--sowwy)


Meh... The one night I want the sleep monster... Going to stay up until Alanna posts what I want to see... Then sleep for all...


*Checks* nope but my BT people were active in my distracted absence.


Anyone else sleep with one of those "body pillows"? (after reading the latest topic in Goal 100,000 thread my mind is corrupted and that sounds so wrong in multiple ways. Turin, Mawth and Ley, I blame YOU for this... Not the Taint... You led me to the Taint... but maybe the Taint made you.... My brain hurts more now) Well anyway I have one and I love it. It so cushy and comfy.


*Checks again* and no responses. For being in 7 social groups you'd think I'd have a lot less dead time.


Hmm... I wonder what else to rant about. My brain's kinda shutting down. Ok. 15 more minutes, then I'm sleeping. I mean it!!!


I can't wait for AMoL!!! I WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!!!! Hmm... Should put this next bit in spoiler warning...


I can't wait for the Rand/Moraine reunion and want to see what Moraine and Thom are like as a couple and I want more Rand/Aviendha romance because they're tied for my 2nd favorite couple (with Nyneave and Lan) and I want Mat and Tuon to have a happy ending (they're tied for 1st favorite couple with Siuan and Gareth) and I wanna know how everything is going to work out with the Seanchan and the last battle and DOES RAND LIVE???????

I think Tuon's pov is interesting. I'd like to see more of it. I wonder how long it takes her to realize she's totally in love with Mat. I kinda want to see her learn how to channel and use the warder bond on Mat. I think that'd be interesting. Who will Mat side with? Rand or Tuon? And I know she's Fortuona now but Tuon's much easier to type and it's how Mat still thinks of her so....




Five more minutes... *check* Yay it's up... And I'm with more friends than I'm not with them so that's fun! This is going to be exciting...... Ok sleepy time for Heart.


Thanks to anyone who read my rambles this far!!! Don't know why you would have but thanks.


And tomorrow comes... DUMDUMDUUUUUM!!!!!!


Night all :)



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I get upset then I bounce back and am good for quite a while :P


I know it seems like I'm alwas depressed according to this though... :P I'm really not though!!!!


Thanks for the song Dave. And thanks for actually reading these :P

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its a good read because i can relate a tiny bit to myself and alot of it to other ppl that i know. And one family member of mine going through it right now lol. Also getting these things off your chest is good because after you do it it feels like you got alot of weight off of you.

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