I'm bored. Home but everyone else is asleep and very few people appear to be on dm right now. Probably will actually go to sleep soon. Hope the sleep monster doesn't strike.
Being home is strange. I walked into my room, which is a different kind of messy than it usually is (it's usually the lived in kind of messy and now it's the "trail left by freak out packing" kind of messy. I'm looking at all of my things... The books I didn't bring with me, all of my decorations and stuff, and it's kinda weird. I have to pack my suitcase to come home. I only come back here for visits now. Weird.
My room feels strange to me....
Anyways, not going to be able to see one friend of mine while I'm home, but hopefully will be seeing a few others (possibly including Tristan). Skype party with some of my BT people tomorrow!!!
I like my BT people. One of them should join the wolfkin though. I get to mentor the next pup to join but no new pups lately. Oh well. Things have been a little slow around there with both of our main mommies out. Miss my wolfkin. Tainted brownies just can't replace the chili and tq :P
Been thinking about the stories I want to write a lot lately. I have a general scope of what I want to happen in them, but I just feel like there needs to be... more. And I'm not quite sure what to add or how to accomplish that. Just need to wait for something to come to me :P Probably what I'd try out if I ever mastered lucid dreaming and got my fill of flying through the sky and stars and over mountains and rivers.... I wonder if I'd ever get my fill of that. Feeling so.... Free.
I think my spirit animal would be a bald eagle. I'm rather patriotic, I love the idea of flying, and plus I just love them. My grandpa did too. The one that I wrote about a while back. He loved Eagles....
That 3 shot volley replays in my head all of the time. The moment I found out that he was in the hospital again, then when I woke up to my mom and knowing instantly that something was missing.... Saying goodbye as I looked at the cold shell that had once been his body... Those all replay in my mind too, but not as much as that 3 shot volley.
And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart
Wish I'd been able to say goodbye. In the state I was in back then anyway it felt like I hadn't been important enough for him to wait a few more hours to say goodbye to. It still feels that way sometimes, but I know that he was tired. Still just hard. I can't watch the music video for Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home" at all. Can listen to the song alright but that music video... And this little scene that's near the end... I just can't do it.
Have you ever looked back on your life and wonder who you'd be if something had happened differently? My parents nearly moved to Colorado instead of Ohio when I was 1. What would my life be like if we had moved there? Would I have my siblings? Would I be as close to my cousins and aunts and uncles? Would I still love to read and be as stubborn and determined and caring as I am now? Would I still want to go into special education? It's weird to think about. And what if it was just a littler thing, like what if Tristan and I hadn't had that huge fight? Would we have broken up eventually anyway? Would we have worked through it? Where would we be now?
The future has so many possibilities, and what I do now controls what will happen. I wish I knew which choices would lead to the happiest future. That's where most of my fear comes from--I'm afraid I'll choose the wrong things. I'm afraid I'll screw up the future.
My mom and I were talking about my dream guy on the way over here. Well... It was more her in some ways. I love country music (as you might have gathered) (all of you country haters, listen to "This is Country Music" by Brad Paisley. It shows everything that country music is/stands for ect. Country music has a ton of heart and hope in it. Most of even the saddest songs have hope at the end, such as "Stubborn (Psalms 151)" by Lee Ann Womack. There's so much... Strength in country music. Well any way back on topic....) and we were listening to a few songs and singing and just having fun and my mom was like "Ok, so we know that you're man's gonna need to be a cowboy." She determined about a year ago that I would marry someone that had a voice like Dennis Haysbert's (he's the guy in the Allstate commercials) because... Well I love the way his voice sounds :P My mom also just takes it for granted that any man of mine will be taller than I am and handsome. And then he's got to be Catholic or willing to possibly convert because I'm very into being Catholic. So yeah, I'm apparently going to marry a tall handsome Catholic cowboy with a deep smooth rich voice if my mom is correct. I admit, I definitely wouldn't mind ;)
Drove by my high school on the way home. It was so strange seeing it. I wonder what it'd be like to walk the halls again. Sooooooo much happened during my four years there. I have memories in every hallway (quite literally I think, which is hard because it's a pretty big school. 500 in my graduation class and I hear there were around 1000 freshman this year)
I'm once again looking back at all I've been through and how much I've changed and grown and feeling old.
I wonder how many other people think about stuff like this. My generation is sooooo annoying. They don't see past the parties this weekend and how wasted they're gonna get (and it's not just because they're in college, this was all throughout high school too). They rarely do anything for others unless it is convenient and something's in it for them (and even then they'll complain about having to do it). Do they think about life? And I mean actually THINK about it? Do they see what a miracle it is?
I fear the future, and not just because of me. Those idiots have a hand in future events too. How can we go to respecting each other and actually caring and giving?
At least there are people who still do care and give. They're usually looked at as weirdos and freaks, but they're the hope for the world. I can only hope that more start turning to that.
Anyways, on to happier stuff.
I'm in my own bed again!!! I wonder if I've adjusted to my college mattress and will have trouble sleeping on this one... I doubt it I feel comfortable just sitting on it than I do just sitting on my college one.
Sometimes I swear my siblings are parts of me personified. My sister's my cheesy, dramatic, depressed and artistic side, the oldest brother is my brainiac, sarcastic and angry side. Both of them like to read fantasy. The next brother is my hyper side. As for the youngest brother... Right now we just know that he's a genius :)P (his teacher seems to think that he has attention problems and stuff though. He's still at the preschool part time (because no one's home during the day and he only has half day kindergarden) and his preschool teacher sees no issues with him. My mom's gotten lots of odd vibes from her. It seems like she just doesn't like my little brother. I don't get that. He is the cutest and sweetest little boy ever!!!). We all really understand each other, though we don't always allow ourselves to (we are rather hot-tempered as a whole in this family. It can lead to nastiness).
I hope there's not much fighting this week. I'd like to leave with positive things in my mind not "I can't wait to be away!!!"
Well, I'm going to stop babbling now. Toodaloo! :D