Sorry Dave, this one isn't going to be quite as positive. I can tell you that now :P
There's something I need to get out. And... Oddly enough I find myself trusting you guys. I don't trust people easily anymore so.... It's odd...
I don't know if people actually read this blog every time I write or only if the title catches their eye but.... Maybe if I just get it out....
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
I don't expect anyone to actually read this whole sob story. I just need to get some of this out.
Anyone who does read this, feel special. These days I don't really trust anyone to see my dark side.
I feel safe here though. It's one of the places I do...
Some of you know that I was very depressed not too long ago. Some of you know that I've been having problems with this guy. We'll call him Tristan
Sparknotes version: we've known each other since 8th grade. Ironically, I met him because I had a crush on a friend of his.
Friend that year, I had a little crush on Tristan but it never grew into much, then 9th grade we only saw each other occasionally.
between 9th and 10th, we had summer gym together. That crush grew. Then I found out Tristan was with a friend of mine. Off limits=kill the crush (or at least put it in a box and pretend like it doesn't exist).
They lasted about 8 months (until around March of 10th grade). I stayed friends with them both after the breakup. I actually became the one person that he trusted, and the one person that she trusted. I was both of their's best friend.
Well Tristan found someone else about a month later. A month or two after that I got asked out by a friend of ours. (Tristan was being very overprotective of me at the time btw). The guy and I lasted about a month before we realized that we were better off as friends and we actually broke up with each other so it worked out. Tristan and his girlfriend lasted until August. Then he was with someone else for about a month. I was his best friend, the one person he always turned to, his "little sister" through it all.
Then, in december, he admitted that part of him liked me. In the romantic way.
Well after a month or so of this awkward "where do we go from here?" phase we decided to go see Avatar together. Going into the night, not even knowing if it was a date or just friends hanging out. We ended up holding hands, and I rested my head on his shoulder and all of that so we decided that it was a date.
Things were great for a very long time. We had trusted each other completely for nearly a year by then, and we got along so well. We liked the same movies, enjoyed the same things and really really understood each other. There were fights occasionally but we worked through them. And he made me feel so... Special. It was amazing. I never got to be the center of attention; I'm the one who looks after and takes care of everyone else. But... I was.... He did little things just to make me smile, and was there for me when my dad made me cry, and when I was having a panic attack about school stuff... It was amazing. And I helped him too! He said I brought him out of the depression he'd been in for years. I brought him back to church, was there for him when all of the stuff he'd been carrying all of his life just washed away as he let it go.
We were there for each other.
August 12th grade. The honeymoon phase ended. He thought he was falling out of love with me. He left me. Less than a week after my birthday, actually (we'll not go into the drama surrounding THAT particular day right now).
It hurt so bad. Suddenly I didn't matter as much anymore. What had I done wrong? What could I have done differently? Could I fix it? What was wrong with me?
I was a rational person before him. That's why I could help other people. I forgot all of my own advice though. The pain was just so big.
I actually kinda fainted when he drove away that night. My legs just suddenly didn't work anymore
We stayed friends. We tried to have something like we did before. I knew I was completely in love with him though, and after 2 months, he realized that he was still completely in love with me.
He asked me back
I said yes.
I was afraid now though. What if he left again? What if I wasn't good enough? What if he found someone better? Why did he leave before? What was wrong with me? What if he left again? He swore to God on my life that he wouldn't leave again.
We fought more. Senior year and all of the college stress, plus all of the fear and my family fighting constantly, I just couldn't handle it. Something inside me was bending and I couldn't take all of the weight.
I tried to lean on him like I had in the past, but he was different now. I was angry at him for it. So I lashed out at him. We fought more.
A week after one year since that first date, there was a huge fight. Circumstances didn't work out and I was so upset and just stressed and we were both just yelling and he couldn't take it anymore.
He left again.
That thing in side of me that was bending? It snapped.
I lost 15 pounds in less than 10 days. I just wasn't hungry. Luckily there was no school for about a week due to snow.
Then came school
I had a full out panic attack. I couldn't face him. I couldn't go and not talk to him. Having things so close to how they were but not... I couldn't do it.
This is where things start to get really blurry for me. Some weeks, we'd be ok. Some days, he was almost the guy I knew again. And then I'd say something wrong, and he'd just stop talking to me. Ignore me in the hallways, not answer my texts nothing. And then I'd have panic attacks about having to face him at school. I missed a lot of school because of it. I'd not want to live anymore, but was to afraid to end everything. He swore to God on my life that he wouldn't leave and then did. What did that say about the importance of my life?
Then he'd change his mind. Things would go back to being good.
I'd go from totally depressed, wrapping myself in pain and guilt and terror to thinking maybe things could get better, then things would just crumble underneath me again.
There was one week... It had been good. Then I found out he'd lied to me about something kinda important, and that he really didn't need to lie to me about. I would have understood the truth. But he lied
He used to never lie to me. I used to be the one person who he could always trust.
I lost it. I mean really lost it. I wasn't thinking at all. It was in my room, crying, screaming. When would the pain stop? Why wasn't I good enough? It was my fault. It was all my fault. I needed to be punished. I just wanted the pain to end.
That's when I noticed the scissors on my desk.
That was a horrible night. I never cuss, and yet I was screaming things at my parents, throwing stuff at them. They wrestled my phone away from me so I couldn't talk to him (or any of my friends, which made me panic) and they wouldn't leave me alone they just sat there staring at me cry. My dad told me to stop being pathetic at one point. He lifted me by my .... the part of your arm where you biceps are isn't your forearm is it? Well he rather forcefully lifted me up off of the ground where I was curled up and kinda dropped me on my bed.
Thank God that was a Friday night. I didn't have to freak about school.
I saw my counselor the next day. She told my parents to let me have my phone back.
I texted him. I know he'd been worried. He'd been he one I told. He'd been the one that called my parents and let them know that... You know.
But he wasn't worried anymore. He suddenly thought I'd done the whole thing for attention. I lost it a little this time. My mom freaked. We started yelling at each other, screaming at each other.
She asked me to find somewhere else to stay for a while.
Then she changed her mind. She didn't want to "burden anyone else" with me.
Ok, just so we're straight, both of my parents are very good people. But I have four younger siblings, one who also has depression and one who has a mild learning disabilities, another kid with some anger management issues, plus a five year old so they were just in over their heads.
I ended up staying with a friend for a week.
Things slowly got better. Tristan stopped doing the thing where he didn't talk to me, and we became closish friends again.
Now though.... He "leaves his phone" all of the time. He was going on a trip this past weekend. He never said goodbye, and I still haven't heard from him. The last time I saw him nearly two months ago, he was the closest to being the guy I fell in love with that I'd seen in nearly a year. But now.... I don't know what to make of it. He said he still likes me actually, he just can't handle the drama (and with all he's been through in his life, I get that) but... He ignores friends when they need him these days. There's something up, and I can tell when I talk to him that he's not actually happy. But now he's not talking to me for some reason it seems so I can't help.
And then.... Because of him....
I still love him. In spite of everything, I just want him to be happy. It would kill me to see him with someone else but.... If that'll put that smile back on his face... So be it.
I've tried moving on. But some part of me refuses to let go, and I don't know if that's my gut telling me not to give up or if it's just me being stubborn.
But, the last couple of weeks, I've been texting this guy I met online (I know, I know, stop it) (oh and no not here) and he likes me. He thinks I'm funny and sweet and special and amazing, just because I was there for him in a hard spot. And it's so amazing to have someone treating me like I'm special again.
The thing is though... I'm afraid to love anyone. What if I lean on someone, then they leave? I can't take that again. I'm so.... Afraid..... And what if I hurt them? I hurt Tristan a ton, and that killed me more than him leaving did. What if I hurt this new guy because I don't want to be with someone new right now? I think I might like him but I might just like that he likes me.
I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of being abandoned. I'm so terribly afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of hurting others. But I can't avoid it, and that makes me panic sometimes. What can I do? I'm trapped!
Some part of me refuses to let go of Tristan. I don't know what to make of it. My gut, or just my stubbornness? We've been through so much... It can't just end like this....
But.... This other guy makes me feel special....
I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. That will just lead to more pain for everybody, more hurt more tears more darkness. I'm so afraid of being abandoned again, so afraid to trust anybody, but I'm terrified of being alone too. Alone alone alone..... alone and meaningless.... I can't take the pain again.... I can't be left again....
."I'm tired of being afraid." Nyneave said... "I am s-so tired of being a c-coward"
I'm trying to rebuild myself. Trying to stand on my own. But... I don't trust anyone to help me up.... So afraid....
My faith's coming back in bits and pieces, and that's been a comfort but....
The future's coming. And I don't know what it brings. That freaks me out.
Just gotta feel my way I guess. I just wish I had something solid again. Someone to actually hug and actually be there and actually care.
Now I feel very drained, and I'm about to pass out :P I have a feeling that if I try to explain things an more, it will make no sense. So I'll stop with this:
The future's coming, and I don't know what to do to prepare for it, or what I'm supposed to do. But I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just don't know whether to let go... It won't give up....