There was a while I was posting in this blog almost every day, just babbling away about whatever came to mind. Then I got too busy, then I started keeping a journal in a notebook I carry around with me everywhere, and I just haven't posted here.
It's one of those nights where "the sleep monster" is hitting though. I'm exhausted, and I know I have to get up early, but I feel like staying up. I feel like writing.
My brain isn't working well enough to work on my book or homework, and I've actually gotten fairly caught up in DM work (it's the homework I'm worried about right now--didn't get quite as much done this weekend as I would have liked) and so somehow I'm here. Was just thinking about it and felt like writing.
I get up to teach in the morning, so that's a happy thing. It still feels so weird to say that. I've been helping to teach astronomy for a while, but now I'm in an elementary classroom; in the sort of place I'm likely to be for the rest of my life.
I'm really happy there. It's really exciting and I love these kids. I pray this fire never goes out.
It's really interesting to think about how much I've grown since I kept a regular blog here. In many ways I'm still the same person, only I'm a much better version of her. Still have a lot of work left to do but… I'm more confident and responsible. I'm learning my own worth and my own skills, and am better at trusting God with my life.
I'm really busy during the week. From around 6:30 am until at least 8:30ish, I'm busy with pockets of time here and there. I'm only taking 12 credit hours, but they're intense ones. I'm working 16-18 hours a week (10 teaching astronomy, 6-8 being an intern at church). I am in the Household here at church (the best way I can describe it is as a religious sorority--we pray together, eat meals together, live intentionally and really hold each other accountable), am on the leadership team for retreat planning (TWO WEEKS--AAAAAAAAHHHH) and am the Service Chair for our group on campus. Then I have all of my crap around here, and am still trying to make time for friends and sleep. It certainly is all a balancing act. But… I'm managing. Still figuring out the exact balance of everything, and I have a feeling my sleep levels are going to end up closer to what they were like last semester (living on ~6 hours of sleep a night on average--closer to 5 probably), but oh well. If I'm doing God's will, He'll give me the energy I need to get everything done.
Well, I feel like babbling more, an have so much more I could babble, but this is not something which is necessary for my life, and I do have to get up in about… Oh look at that. Six hours. Let the fun begin!
So, through a series of events that I don't really know, I actually ended up with two copies of AMoL.
One copy I had signed by Brandon and Harriet:
and about a week later I got the second one.
Here's what I'm thinking: we can ship this second one... Basically around the world to all of the different DMers that would want to be involved in this project. We can each take a turn reading it if we want, highlight our favorite lines, leave a note or two... And each sign the book somewhere.
Rules on being involved in this project:
1) The book only is given to members of DM. No lending it to some other friend for a month and having them return it all weird. Other WoT fans may sign it or what not, but they may not take it home with them.
2) Take good care of the book when it is in your possession. No bending/ripping the pages, obscuring a page so it is unreadable, leaving it out in the rain, letting your dog taste it, using it as a coaster for your morning Kaf, or doing anything else that might harm it.
3) No one person may have the book for more than 3 months. If you have it more than three months, I'll start bugging you constantly to pass it on.
4) Once you have finished your time with the book, you are to pass it on to the next person. You can mail it (please wrap it in a plastic bag or something inside of the box to protect from water damage!) or deliver it by hand (this would be fun!).
5) While you have the book, love it. Read it, mark your favorite page (I'm usually against doing this to ANY book, but this one is special!), take a picture of yourself with it, write a note, sign it... Just leave some proof that you had it. Maybe we'll ship it all over in the same box to see how many different stamps we can get too!
I'm thinking after we've sent it around for a time, we can give the well loved copy to Harriet or something :D Anyone interested in being a part of this? Once I have a lot of people signed up I can start planning a route for it!
Please state your
1) Location (can just be general for now)
2) Openness to shipping packages internationally
3) Favorite poisonous fruit in the WoT universe ;)
I've not written here in a while. It's interesting as I look back on some of my older blogs... Well a few things are.
This won't be my most polished writing ever, but these have been more "stream of consciousness" for me anyway, so I don't have to use the perfect words. I'll hope that what I have to say will get across anyway.
One is how huge a part of my life DM was. It still is a big part of my life, but it's not as much of a focus as it once was. It was a huge part of my growth last year, and I still have many friendships through it, and I'm still on it a lot, but I'm not constantly thinking about it and obsessing about it. Heh. I didn't even realized that yesterday was my DMaversary was yesterday until earlier today when I was looking through blogs and saw the one I posted last year. Let it be known that I still love you all! I just... Have been able to balance my life out. Balance... I've been seeking that all my life. I'm still not there, probably never will be, but I'm getting better.
Another is when I'd talk about my struggles and fears and relationship with Tristan on here. People seem to find it odd that I put a lot of myself here on a page for others to see, but it's my witness. It's sharing a part of me, but in sharing I can possibly help others. That's what one of my purposes I think; helping others who have dealt with depression and the other things I have faced in my life. There's much more to my story than what is in these blog posts, more than what I've told people. There's deeper darknesses that I don't want to remember, let alone share. Things that contributed to the depression and hopelessness that I shared. I shouldn't share them all; some secrets are mine to keep. But I can choose to share some, and not only heal through that but perhaps help others on their path. Maybe I am "brave" for sharing in this way, but... It seems right to me.
A lot of my entries were about Tristan. Oi. that boy... He was a good kid, and had the potential to do a lot of good... But there was also this darkness in him that I feared... And still fear. It got stronger as things got worse, and caused a great number of my scars. In the same way that his good had potential, this darker, wilder side of him also had potential...
He's been texting me the last few weeks. It really hasn't been much, but it was enough to throw me off and make me start freaking a little. I still think about him more than I'd like to admit. It's natural enough, though I don't always see it that way; he was a huge part of my life for a very long time, and wounds take time to heal. His time in my life shaped me, and is a part of my story. I can't deny or hide that. I also shouldn't dwell on it, and that is what I have trouble with sometimes. I am quite an emotional person, and the bad tends to have this odd effect on me. Both good and bad have power, but the bad fights longer to stay it seems.
It's also interesting to look back on entries I wrote long ago and see how I've grown. It's not that I'm completely different, though my faith has deepened and other things have happened. It's more that... There's more to me now than there was back then. As I wrote those entries, I was putting what I was at the time on a page, and now when I read it, a part of me that is now layers down resonates. A single layer in the many that have formed in my life. I have grown beyond that, both in my outer personality and how deeply I feel and understand myself and the world.
At the same time, some things are still very much the same. Obviously the wackiness has remained. Then today, it became very apparent that I still have a deep desire to feel safe. I've been aware of it all of this time, but I've not given that particular part of it attention. It's like my mind danced around it. But today, as I talked to a close friend of mine about fears I had concerning my ex, it came to the front of my mind again. As he hugged me and said "no one's going to hurt you" suddenly... It's hard to describe what happened. It was a feeling that was almost a voice... I couldn't tell you what the voice said... But the message was "safe." (Heh. I'm nuts. But that's ok.) I started crying. It's hard to put words to why. Part of it was the fear, and that I was facing it in a way I'd been avoiding. Part of it was the confusion that fills me when anything Tristan related happens. Part of it was relief that I had someone there willing to help me feel safe.
That one still amazes me too. People care. They choose to help me when it's inconvenient for them, they listen to me complain about the same things over and over again, they put up with all of my strange antics, and they help me be a better person. While I'd be happy to do this for almost anyone, and would give of myself in a heartbeat for those I care about, it's so strange that people would do this for me. I still degrade myself a lot, but it's getting better. Part of it is because I'm building myself up, instead of relying on others to do it for me. I still look to others for approval, probably more than I should, but it's not the sole source of my esteem anymore.
I've grown a lot this year. Part of it is because I've had to face old struggles with my new self. I've had a few "attacks," both panic and depressive, complete with thoughts of blood crossing my mind again. I've had to deal with this Tristan situation recently. Then just the old general feelings of unworthiness. Though I'm still struggling a lot, I'm learning to deal with it in healthier ways, and see them not as life altering horrible things, but as just another part of life. I'm not good at it yet, but I'm learning. I'm growing. I know it's happening even when I can't feel it.
The lesson that's currently being hammered in is that of choice. I'm exploring the different applications of it right now, but it's one of those that has been led up to for a long time and has many ways it manifests itself. I can choose to not beat myself up. I can choose to not dwell on Tristan and what's already happened and is happening with him. I can choose to live by the standards I set up for myself. I can choose to love people. In addition, I need to respect the choices of others. This can be hard with my pride, because I want to control everything, but I need to choose to love them truly. There are times when this will mean I throw whatever they are yelling at me out the window and do what my heart is telling me to do anyway, but there's also times when I need to love them by letting them make their mistakes and just be there for them when they do decide to let me in. It's hard, but I'm learning. A different twist on that is accepting it when people choose to love me and help me with things.
Pride is really a problem for me. It may not seem that way, but it is. It's a kind of pride most people don't think about. I may not talk myself up a lot, but I "need" to have control over everything.
Anyhow... There was something else I was going to say but my eyelids are getting heavy. I should let myself sleep now probably... Goodnight everyone. God bless
<3
March 17th will be two years since my grandpa passed. I posted the first part of this in an entry a while back, but I've added to it and so I wanted to post the extended version:
Much of our lives just go by in passing. We often don't see what doesn't directly affect us. Many in America don't ever think about the soldiers that are dying overseas right now. We don't think about the children starving in remote parts of the world, or even those that go hungry in the streets of our own cities.
However, at times, there are moments that cause us to wake up. Most, if not all, people are brought together by a single event.
For the my grandfather's generation, here in America, it was Pearl Harbor. When looking back on it now, people still say this: “The one time the nation got together was World War II. We stood as one. We spoke as one. We clenched our fists as one, and that was a rare moment for all of us.”
For my generation, and that of my parents, it was September 11, 2001. I can remember exactly what I was doing. Whose class I was in, what subject we were learning, where I was in the room. The principal came on the PA and told the teachers to turn the tv on. I wasn't old enough to fully comprehend what was going on, but my heart still froze at the sight of that black smoke, those two burning towers, both in sharp contrast to the most beautiful clear blue sky...
My siblings were too young to get it at all really. They just were annoyed that all of their cartoons were suddenly gone (we didn't have cable, so all of our kid shows were on PBS and similar stations that got taken over by news). They'd play, and I'd sit with my mom, eyes glued to the TV.
There was so much death that day. So many lives lost, countless others changed for ever. It was just another day for many of them. They were just going to work, taking another flight, doing the same old thing. So many of them would never see another sunrise. Some left before they had a chance to know what was going on, others in despair, and some as heroes.
Amazing how quickly life can completely change, isn't it?
Something else that's amazing, is what happened after that. From all over, help came. Volunteer fire fighters, people sending medicine or food or clothes. For a short time, we were more focused on helping our own and saving as many lives as possible than looking for someone to blame. There are times when I am very frustrated with America, and how corrupted things have gotten, but in times like this, and after Hurricane Katrina, and after the horrible destruction in Haiti, I feel a bit of hope again. There's still some good in this country, and it can still stand together.
We live in a age that will change the very fabric of time (amazing how I didn't even mean to make a WoT reference there). There are so many big issues going on today, issues that will shape tomorrow. Landmark court cases, wars and destruction all around. Our children will learn about 9/11 in their schoolbooks, and I'll be able to say that I remember that day with remarkable clarity. History is being made before our eyes, but are our eyes open?
This road is twisted
The way unsure
I'd become comfortable
In a place where I feel safe
But if I'm always safe
When am I possibly growing?
But am I ready?
Is now the time?
Which way do I go?
What way is right?
It's time once more
To leap off of the edge
It's scary now
It always is
But sometimes
A chance must be taken
And so I jump...
Guide me.
I just don't know
My heart goes from feeling light
To heavier than lead
There's a constriction around my soul
But is that a sign of something?
Or is it simply my irrational fears?
I feel so lost
As I have before
I know that sometimes that has to be the way
But a tension is building
Will it lessen with time?
Or will I snap?
Guide me...
Trust.
I don't trust many
I trust God,
But few people
Least of al myself
Did I choose right?
What if I made a mistake?
I tell myself to just give it time
But what if this is all wrong?
Sometimes it feels right
Sometimes I'm so happy
Other times I doubt
I'm uncomfortable
I'm tense I'm worried
I just don't know anymore...
Guide me.
So here I am
Sitting alone
So many thoughts in my head
So many other voices talking too
On my screens, in my memories
Which ones do I trust?
And what's the voice of my Heart saying?
Is it really as confused as I?
Or can I not hear it over my thoughts?
Can I really trust it this time?
God guide my heart.
Guide me...
There's just been so many little things in the last week... Maybe I'm noticing them more because I'm leaving soon, but they've been there.
The munchkins I watch every day actually VOLUNTEERING to help eachother out or clean their rooms.
Doing cartwheels outside during rainshine.
The neighborhood kids calling out my name and waving when they see walk by.
Walking down the stairs and realizing that there's the smell of brownies in the air.
Having my 6 year old brother sit next to me in church and mimic my every move.
Sitting out on the back deck, with the sun setting, wind chimes dancing, grass green again, children laughing, smells of hamburgers grilling in the air....
Today my family went out to eat for the first time in a very long time. It was crazy and loud, but it was nice. We talked about all sorts of things, but there was a lot of talk about the Olympics.
Chinese Olympic Runner Liu Xiang in the Beijing Olympics, came back and was all excited to run again, and then ended up tripping over the first hurdle. While there's been some skepticism over whether the injury was faked, I think it is what immediately followed that was important. After he hopped the stretch of the race on one foot, kissed the last hurdle, and crossed the finish line, the other runners helped him off of the field.
Not only was that amazing to watch live, but it was great to hear my siblings echo my exact same thoughts on the matter.
"See? THAT'S what the Olympics are really about."
I'm going back to school soon, the work days are long and I have SOOOOOO much to get done in the next week, but... I'm content.
I'm happy.
Things are working out one by one, and I can make it through these next few hurdles. I just need to continue to capture these little moments in my memory.
For now, I should sleep. I really do like sleeping, and my Aes Sedai told me to go to asleep... About an hour ago. :P
I'm sorry I lost control again
I'm sorry I've failed you once more
I know I let you down
And it's knowing that I hurt you
That hurts me most of all
You and I are the closest in many ways
Not that we spend the most time together
Or talk the most about the deeper things
We just understand each other the most
There are times when when things are great
We're on the back deck reading side by side
Or laughing at the same part of the show
Nodding our heads to the beat of the banjo.
We recommend video games,
And rate them good or bad
A lot of the time, we get along
Then there's nights like tonight
When we both show our darker side
The anger takes reign
We say and do things we'll later regret
Though for me, this time, it was immediate.
Maybe I am getting better.
Still doesn't matter though
No matter how long it's been since the last time
I lost control again tonight
You deserve better than that
I'm supposed to protect you
We're alike in that one too
This need to protect inside
I'm the oldest sibling,
You're the oldest boy
We both understand
Though it's hard because we both try to take lead
And are both stubborn mule-heads as well
I'm far from perfect
Though I try to be for you guys
I slip up so often though...
I'm trying... Please know that I'm trying
Also know how much I love you
More than words can say
So many times you've made me smile
And made food and drink come out my nose
You're smart, loyal, and hardworking when you need to be
And though you get mad, you try to do what's right
You stand up for our country and military
And when things get rough you stand and fight
I don't know if you'll ever read this
Maybe I'll share it with you someday
Or you'll finally join this site and find it
Or tomorrow I'll tell you a different way
For now I leave these words here
So what my heart is trying to say
Isn't just hidden inside
I love you my brother
And know that no matter what
I will always always be here
Not distance, nor words spoken in anger
Will ever change that for me
You'll always be my dear baby brother
Some of you might think that this will be a blog about "my" chair in the corner of my living room, which I claim as my own here in rl and often lounge on or curl up in on in dm-land. It actually isn't though. To be honest it isn't even about the chair at all. It's about the man who sat in it, with me on his lap.
I've talked a lot about my dad's step-dad, who was a major part of my life until his passing last January.
It's time for me to talk about the other man who shaped my life, but unfortunately had much less time to do it.
My grandma still laughs with a twinkle in her eye as she remembers the first time she met the man she'd end up spending the better part of her life with. She'd heard about him, knew his face and his name, but had never actually talked to him before. One day they were both at a skating rink, and he walked up to her and said "You should talk to Bud ******; he is such a neat guy!" (Everyone called him Bud though it wasn't his real name. Oh and yes, I took out the last name :P ).
They married, and had 8 kids together; a girl, followed by six boys, then finally my mom was the baby of the family. They bought a tiny house which Grandpa Bud expanded. My earliest memories include running up and down the three stairs that lead to the kitchen, and running around the huge yard outside. In my memories, the enormous garden is still well tended. The flowers on the closer half are bright and tall, and Grandpa Bud is still holding my hand as he leads me out to "help" him pick vegetables from the other half.
My early memories place me on his lap as he played cards, or tottering next to him as we took his dog Lucky out to walk, hugging his arm as we sat on the bench swing looking out at the garden, dancing around the living room as he played the harmonica, or snuggling in his lap as he rocked in his chair in the corner. He was always full of stories, of jokes and laughter. He had such a love for life and for God and his family. He worked hard every day of his life, but he enjoyed it and knew when to stop and just sit with his family around the dining room table.
I couldn't have been more than 7 or 8 when Grandpa Bud was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It was difficult for everyone to slowly watch this great man fade away. My sister barely remembers him before the Alzheimer's, my brothers not at all. It's sad to me that they didn't remember him as he was before. Instead, the remember a silent man who barely smiled and often just sat at the table, out on the bench swing, or on the rocking chair in the corner.
I stuck with him though. He was still my grandpa. Maybe we didn't see it anymore, but I knew he was still in there. I always sat next to him at mealtimes, and I would still climb up on his lap as he sat in the rocking chair. He'd gently wraps his arms around me still. When I got too big for that, I sat in the chair next to his and held his hand.
He still played the harmonica when my grandma asked him to. He only played one song, and he tended to get lost along the way and play a couple parts over and over again before ending, but he still played.
I remember one time when we were up there for Easter, and I was in a nice dress for church, and Grandpa Bud smiled when he saw me. It was just a little one, but he smiled. My mom leaned over and whispered in my ear "he thinks you look pretty" and I just kinda shyly smiled at him.
Another memorable event was when my siblings and I were playing monopoly jr. on the living room floor. We were not too far away from my Grandpa's chair. He leaned down, picked up all of the $3 bills, and put them in his back pocket. I guess he thought us kids shouldn't have all of that money!
Then there was the time that he fell asleep in his chair and my siblings and I were doing something on the floor--maybe playing legos--but all of a sudden his leg started kicking. Then I heard him mutter something about "darn cats." It was horrible to think that my grandpa was kicking cats in his dream, but funny too.
We visited at the end of June in 2004. We were up there about a week (we lived around 12 hours away by car at the time).
I'd overheard my mom on the phone, saying that she didn't know if he was really in there anymore. She thought he didn't remember who his wife really was other than that woman that's around and she didn't think he'd recognize any of us.
However, he was smiling some when we walked in through the door.
At one point during that trip, I asked him if he remembered me. He looked me right at me, and I could see him in those clear blue eyes. He nodded. Maybe he couldn't say it in words, but he was still there, and he still loved me.
The week after we visited, on of my mom's brothers and his wing of the family were staying there. They said that he was talking some again. Laughing even. They were amazed.
Many of you know that July 6th was my one year DMiversary, but that date has had meaning to me for much longer. July 6th, 2004 is when Grandpa Bud left.
He was sitting in his corner rocking chair.
I remember that us kids were watching a pokemon movie when we got the call. We were going to be leaving for disney world in a couple of days, and my older cousin had come home with us. He was going to help watch me and my 3 (at the time) siblings on the trip down to Florida.
We'd known it was coming I guess, but not then. Not when everything was so happy. My cousin went to his room in the basement to think. I went down to talk to him for a bit (we're only a few years apart and have always been pretty close). When I came back up my mom was crying at the kitchen table.
My little brother, who was only 4 at the time, told her not to cry; Grandpa Bud had gone to heaven.
I was amazed, but caught up in my mom's tears. I knew he didn't entirely understand. I told him that when people went to heaven, they didn't come back.
We went back up to their house. Grandpa Bud may have been silent, but he had still been a presence in the house. He was gone.
I didn't go see the body. There are times when I regret that, but I just couldn't handle it. I wanted to believe that he was still there, somewhere. He'd still been there before.
It's hard to believe that it's been 8 years. I swear that house gets smaller every time I walk into it. The garden has fallen into a bit of disarray, the bench swing isn't always up, and his spot at the dining room table is often taken up by others these days.
That rocking chair is still there. The furniture has been rearranged a bit, so it isn't in it's corner anymore, but whenever I think of the living room it is as it was all of my childhood, and that chair is in its corner.
There's a bear that is made out of a shirt that he wore often. I hug it when I go there, and sometimes sleep holding it. I still feel him with me, and I know he loves me still.
My grandma loves cardinals, and we often see male cardinals outside her house when we go. We say that it's him, keeping an eye on her as she walks around the house alone.
I know I'll see him again someday, and he'll be as he was when I was little; smiling and laughing, with those gentle yet strong hugs and that wonderful smell that I couldn't describe as anything else but him.
I can just see my grandpas up there, laughing, playing cribbage, and watching over me.
No, I'm not actually here. I'm still on my LOA. The fun thing about blogs is that you can program when you want them to publish :P I've been in the process of writing this since June 24th, though I keep going back and adding parts in and reediting. I usually just publish instantly, but I have this set to publish on July 6th at 7:15 pm--approximately when I signed on to dm for the first time.
It's so weird to think.... A year ago from when I'm writing this, I'd never been on dm. I didn't know so many of the people whom I count among my closest friends now. I had no clue that there was this amazing place where I could feel so at home.
I'd been rereading WoT, and I want to say that I had just finished TSR or LoC when I noticed www.dragonmount.com on the back page of the book. A friend of mine who reads WoT had mentioned the site once (though I don't believe he's involved here anymore--I'll have to ask). So I went downstairs and checked it out. I joined the ACW, Aiel, Oiger, White Tower and Wolfkin that night.
I'm just going to take a minute to talk about my SGs before I continue.
The Wolfkin was instantly home. There was just such a fun, relaxed and loving atmosphere. It may not be the most active group, but being there makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. My first friends were there, and I always go back there to just relax and have fun when I need something to make me smile. Being the leader of the Healers here is amazing. I can't believe I'm going to be Named soon!!!! I'm so eager to find out what people come up with for me!!!!! My Wolfkin, you guys are awesome. I love you guys :)
The Aiel I jumped into fairly quickly. When there was need for a Head Wise One on the staff, I applied even though I'd only been there a couple of months. I see so much potential in the future of this group, and I'm proud to be the Head Wise One :D
The Oiger are also a fairly lax group, but I tend to just go lurk there when I want to feel calm simple peace.... I'm glad we pulled through Oiger!!!!
The White Tower.... Oh much has happened there. Though I got close to Leelou and Volke in other SGs as well, this is where we made our homes as Bondeds and Siblings. There were a couple of rough patches, like Ospenya almost being closed down, and the issue that Volke and I had when we tried to become Siblings the first time around, and my other random instances of getting in trouble because I talked out of turn or what not :P There was also my own littler personal drama on whether to switch to the Warder path or not. I actually lost a bit of sleep over that one (I'm faaaaar too obsessed with this site. It's amazing that I actually have a real life too). However, despite all of the struggles, the Tower and the Guild have become a home. I'm so happy to be the MaA!!! I still get to work with the Aspies and can help out the Guild and keep it active and stuffs!! I'm probably screwing up right and left but the other staff members are at least being polite about it! (I'll get better I swear :P )
ACW I've not been very involved with for some reason. Mostly because I don't trust many of my story ideas to see daylight :P we shall see what the next year brings though.
I'm trying to remember what came next.... It was the BT.
You guys are insane. I blame y'all for the Spammer Empy I got >.> you're the ones that started it. I know I kind of disappeared from there for a while, but it's good to be back! You guys are something else, and I enjoy seeing your wackiness when I get on :)
BotRH, Kin, and SG: I know I've been more of a lurker thus far, but I'm planning on changing that. Just need to get things lined up correctly in my head is all :)
I've grown up so much in my time here.... Ok, time for my life'syear's story :P
I chose the name Aiel Heart because that's what I wanted to have. When I first came here, I was still tangled up in the remains of a relationship that wasn't healthy. I was well on the road to recovery, but I still felt fragile and uncertain. I had very little faith in myself and had trouble believing that other people could actually care. It was just me after all. I didn't hate myself anymore (not really) and wasn't suicidal anymore, but I still saw myself as this silly girl who was just putting on a brave/happy face to fool the world and who was failing to do even that.
The Aiel... They don't break. They realize that as long as you're doing your part to contribute to the world, the pain doesn't matter. You can take it. In TSR, Egwene leaves the Aiel Wise Ones to go to Salidar. Before she goes, Sorelia tells her that they would not be able to break her, because inside she had the heart of an Aiel. Then she told Egwene to always remember her heart, to not forget it.
It struck me the first time I read it, and especially so in my reread. This part was still in my mind as I tried to think of a username, and "Aiel Heart" just fit because... I needed to remember all that I'd already survived. I needed to remember that I'd lived. I needed to remember that that hadn't broken me. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted my heart, which was still tattered shreds back then, to be whole, and strong, and unbreakable. I wanted to remember.
My avatar is a diamond heart. Diamond's one of the toughest things on earth. It's pretty hard to break. Thus, that avatar was chosen, and has stuck. (I think it's fitting that it's tilted sideways a bit ;) )
I found the most amazing thing here... People accepted my odd ways, and added to them! My craziness was met with insanity. I think I laughed more during my first couple of weeks on dm than I had altogether in the months before.
But as my real life got harder because of that twisted relationship, I found myself coming on here more and more. I was shocked when I realized the reason way. I was actually beginning to trust these people. I'd never "really" met them, I had no clue what they were actually like outside of this little computer world, but I found myself trusting them. I'd been abandoned by the people who were supposed to take care of me, stabbed in the back by the person I trusted most, and that same person was treating me like I was worthless. I wasn't really trusting any of the friends I was making at school, not trusting my family after the issues we had, not trusting God to actually be there for me, and not trusting myself to even dare to think that I actually mattered to any of these people. Yet... I was beginning to trust people here.
Maybe it was because it was a completely fresh start. Maybe it was because of how quickly I was comfortable here. Maybe it was because of how amazing the people here are. Well, whatever case, I started to talk to a few people, give them the bare details of the problems I was having. Of the life that I'd led before.
Shortly after I joined the BT (I still blame the three of you--YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE--all of those who are tired of me spamming, please yell at Mawth, Ley and Turin. They made me join the BT), I started talking to Turin and Leelou a lot. I can't even remember what we'd talk about. I remember babbling to them about the Novice/Algai decision, and I started opening up to Leelou a little more about my life off of dm. We started talking about all sorts of things, and got really close really quickly. I changed to Algai, and started working towards Manshima. She was working on becoming Accepted. We'd stay up late into the night talking about how annoying men are, about her job and my classes, about movies and the books (and our mutual hatred of Min), about my broomball games and her dog. I found I was really talking to her about stuff. The stuff that, in real life, I was only sharing with my best friends who I'd known and had been close to for years. She was talking to me about some of the struggles she was having.
Right around the time that we were both raised, we were talking about Bondings. She said she was considering Bonding someone else a little ways down the road (she wanted to get closer to him first, but definitely wanted to bond him down the road), and I was giving my thoughts on that, when somehow (she might remember how but I don't really...) the conversation somehow became us talking about Bonding. As in her Bonding me. As in me being her Warder!
Shortly thereafter, she Bonded me :)
Ok Lauren, It's Tuesday night and I sent you to bed about an hour ago. You made it difficult, but I suppose I will let it slide this time because you succeeded in making me laugh when I really needed it :) I know I've said this in every card that I've sent you, but you really are an amazing person, all of the guys that have passed over you, including that other warder, don't know what they're missing. Any guy that's going to be a permanent part of your life had better treat you right!!! And they'll need to pass the Hearttest whether you like it or not ;) I have high hopes for this "Max" however... (hehehehe I'm funny :P or not. Are you rolling your eyes but smiling? HA! No? Maybe? I'm going to stop this train of babble now!) As for the Warder side of things, well, I'm enjoying having you all to myself while I can *hugsnuggle* You've been a great friend to me, and we've been through so much drama together already that I think we can take the next.... *shrug* lifetime, as best friends. Thank you so much for the peaches. I may not know what to do with you sometimes, but even more than that, I have absolutely no clue what I would do without you. I LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVA YOU!!!!! (You know what I just realized? If you stretch out the first "a" and then make the second really short, it kinda sounds like the word "love" :P )
As all of that was going on, I was starting to hang around (and occasionally get in a tad bit of trouble) with another certain someone. We had all sorts of fun together in the SGs that we were both in, and eventually started PMing all of the time and then talking on Facebook. We got along really really well, and he was someone else that I felt like I could talk to about anything. We only saw ourselves getting closer. So, Volke and I talked to a few of the older warders, checked out the whole thing with Warders becoming Swordsiblings (because that's what it was called back then), looked at a few of the older threads for ideas, had an epic adventure at sea..... Buuuuuuuut managed to do it wrong (That's me and Volke for ya :P ). It didn't count, we'd have to wait to try again, we both sat in the Kitchens pouting for a bit (as I slowly went crazy....er). A few good things came out of it though. We came up with the phrase "Pirate Pranksters" and we became so much closer.
In the months that followed, as one obstacle after another came up in real life and on dm, we just kept getting closer and closer. We'd talk on Skype and on xbox and Facebook and talk about life and music and games and all sorts of other random crap. We really relied on each other too.
Volke, our road has not been an easy one. It's difficult when real life keeps getting in the way of us talking, and all of the other problems that have turned up in the road. Those aren't the times that matter though. The times that have mattered are the ones where you were there for me when I was crying. When I was there to tell you that everything would be ok. When we were painting the White Tower, or redecorating Ed's office, or hiding up in a tree pretending we were an Ent.
Volke, I am amazed by you. After all that you've been through in your life, you are still a really sweet and caring guy who loves to laugh and is really supportive of anyone who needs a shoulder. I know you can take anything that's up ahead. Look at all you've already been through.
Plus, "we will never have to fight one single battle alone" remember? You've got a stubborn sister, and she'll fighting with you until the end!
We never really needed it to be "official" because we were already there for each other like we are now. Still, it was nice when it did finally happen.
I've made sooooooo many other friends in my time here too. Unfortunately, I think I'd be here forever if I tried to talk about all of you, so I'm just keeping it to my Bonded and Brother. I <3 soooo many of you though, and I'm grateful for each and every one of you being in my life.
But getting back to the life's story (if Firepants and Rand are reading this: example of circular/tangent thinking :P ): I was finding people here that I trusted, and slowly I began to grow more confident. When things finally ended with my ex, I could lean on these amazing new friends I had both here and in real life and I was able to accept it. I was able to make peace with it and move on. That in itself was a sign of just how far I'd come since the dark days. Even better was the fact that I was able to be happy again!
DM has been a place for me to come to to laugh, cry, prank, lead, and, most of all, just be me. I can be my quirky end here and people for the most part accept me (I'm sure I annoy a few people...)
I'm struggling to find the words that will convey what I want to say.... The foremost thought in my mind is a huge and resounding "thank you." You are an amazing group of people who have helped to shape me for the past year. So....
Thank you :) I'm proud to have you as a part of who I am.
Right now I'm staying with the grandma that I sometimes visit on weekends during the school year. Next week I'm going to be going up to MN and visiting my other grandma. So, naturally I'm tinkling a lot on both of my grandpas right now.
The one that once lived here, I've written about a lot. Eagle's Flight is a short story that I wrote, and it's just one among many poems, songs, stories, and other works that have been dedicated to or about him since January 17, 2011.
Oh, btw, I've edited Eagle's Flight. I was talking to my grandma so I could fill in a few of the blanks I had in the story for my final submission for class and I learned A LOT! So if you want you can go read that again... Or for the first time... Anyway just letting you know :P
...It's a bit odd... I've probably been at this house more in the last year and a half than I'd been total in the time that he was alive, and yet I still expect to see his face when I walk into another room.
I'd still give just about anything to hear his voice one more time... See that smile... One more hug....
My grandma's been keeping herself busy. She still volunteers and does a lot for the community. Whenever she's home she has the tv on or music playing. After raising seven kids and being married for so many years, I think she's grown used to the noise and silence bugs her. Though, I'm kind of like that already, so who knows?
I've not talked about my other side of the family very much here. I'll probably have a lot more to say when I come back from my LOA in two weeks. I've not been up there in so long... Might talk about them later in this entry too. Who knows?
I just went back and read a lot of my old entries. I'm seeing four major themes: random, Tristan, Grandpa, or the stuff I classify as "sunshine."
I haven't done any of the really random ones that just hold all of my scattered thoughts lately.... This one seems to be turning into one though :P
I'm getting rather obsessed with this story I'm writing again. More just brainstorming and poking at the world in my head right now. I want to learn all I can before I write more. I'm planning on doing a revision of my short sometime soon though.
I wonder if that story really is as good as my class seemed to think it was... Oh well. I guess time will tell :P
I wonder what's going to happen in AMoL..... So excited wondering!!!!!! So many questions...... I'm bouncing just thinking about it!!!
Looking back at these old blog entries.... I remember writing it, I remember being that person, and I look at how far I've come since then...... I know y'all are probably getting tired of hearing about that, but it is continually amazing to me. Somehow I've grown since then, and I didn't even feel myself growing. It's odd.
I'm sort of looking forward to the school year. It'll be good to see all of my friends again. It's going to be a busy and somewhat difficult year, but I think it will also be a happy one.
This coming week will be interesting. I'm helping my aunt with a vacation bible school camp thing. I'm going to have groups of kids and am going to help them "live the stories." Right now I'm kinda freaking a bit because we're not going to be able to set up my room until tomorrow evening and I have tons to set up and stuff.
I keep obsessively refreshing my other dm window. You'd think with three staff positions I'd have more to do :P My grandma and I are watching tv and it's too hot to knit right now imo. So here on the computer.....
I'm still wondering why exactly I was made the MaA. I know I'm active, but I'm a bit of a screwnut as well :P
Well, I'm doing my best! It's taking a little time to learn how everything gets done, and I'm afraid I'm going to do the wrong thing, but I think I'm keeping my head above the water.... Hmm.
Well, I think I'll end this ramble for now and go work on my story.
~ <3
Ok, so I am a MAJOR pack rat. I still had stuff in my room from elementary school.
Note that that is past tense. The last couple of days, I have done a major cleaning spree. My closet is empty right now, and the clutter that had covered the floor of my room now only partially covers the floor of my room because the rest of it is sorted.
Something else: I'm actually going through and throwing away stuff. A lot of stuff. This is completely unlike me. I don't throw away anything. And yet about half of our HUGE trashcan is a bunch of the stuff that was in my closet. I've not even gone through my desk, bookshelf and under my bed yet! I'm tossing stuff away!!! (might post a list of the important stuff that I'm tossing/keeping and the memories attached to them later)
It gets weirder.
In the last day especially, there's been a lot of "inspirational" pics coming up on my Facebook wall.
I mean, I had been feeling a tad more down lately but.... *Blink*
So here they are!
(and once again, just in case I have a new reader: I'm religious. If that bugs you you don't need to read this)
*Font will be bigger so it stands out with huge pics*
So this one fits where I was a little over a year and a half ago (and things spiraled from there)
This shows how I survived
What I needed to remember to do
What God gave me to help me through (dm)
One of the things I needed to tell myself
What is happening with my life now:
Because finally I realized
I told myself
There's a new day ahead
*Spoilers because is long*
And because I'm a nut
So much going on!
First off, I've been rather sick the last couple of days. My that's been sore and my head's been swimmy. Yesterday it hurt to talk even and I ended up going to the doctor. She said there's some virus going around and all that I really needed was rest. Today's better; I went to bed comparatively early last night (but still only got around 5 hours of sleep--will explain that later) and can talk again today!
On to dm (where the excitement is held):
Those of you in the White Tower SG know that we've had a whole flock of raisings in the last couple of days! The April/May class has graduated (it was really funny btw, if you're a WT member and haven't looked at it yet, go look!), none of them chose Warder, unfortunately, but ALAS we shall carry on!!!
Many Novices were raised to Accepted, including my dear Ayla, whom was my first pup over in the Wolfkin.
On to the most exciting!!!! So on the morning of the 20th, Leelou's Raising to Aes Sedai began. Both of her sponsors spoke yesterday, but unfortunately, by the time both of them had spoken, Mother was no longer on, so the ceremony's continuation had to wait.
Meanwhile, I fulfilled my last requirement to get raised to Der'Manshima--I applied to the Cuen'd'eren Discipline and was accepted (Firebird told me absolutely nothing about what would happen in that ceremony btw). Right after that I summoned up the nerve to not be chicken asked Mills if he'd be one of my sponsors--and he said he would! I wasn't completely certain who I wanted my other sponsor to be, but I'd limited it down to a few candidates. I decided to make the decision in the morning and went to bed around... I want to say it was between 10:30 and 11:30.
Leelou woke up around 3 this morning and said her oaths (Mother was also on).
I woke up around 4:15, and had this strange urge to get on dm. I decided I should try to sleep though. At this very moment, Tigara was giving Leelou her Yellow shawl.
I gave up around 4:45, logged on to dm to a good number of announcements and a couple of PMs, so it took me a little while to realize that Leelou's ceremony was over. I was the third one to post after Tigs put the shawl around her shoulders >.>
Unable to sleep, I got on fb, say Ed was on and officially decided that I wanted to ask him if he'd be my other sponsor. I summoned the guts, asked him, and he also said yes. I pmed Fnorrll, Fnorrll got the thread up and both Ed and Mills spoke.
Now I just need to take my Oaths, which may or may not be happening today >.> I am waiting for the official go-ahead.
So it looks like me and Leelou might not be raised on the same day, but oh well.
It was hard to say goodbye to Ospenya. I've become attached to that imaginary room....
Other than that, I'm the next one to get Named in the Wolfkin (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY), we are down to the last 5,000 in the 100,000 posts thread in the BT, and then there's some other stuff I can't talk about yet!!!
Other than that, got the bunny area thoroughly cleaned today (scrubbing out with the soapy water and then the bleach and all of that blechy stuff) and now I'm off to work for a couple of hours.
Happy busy exciting day!!!!!
Ciao!
I'm kinda sleepy and words aren't flowing as well as they do sometimes, so this isn't very good but just feel like writing
In the quiet of night
When all is still
There's time to sit and think
My thoughts drift through time
Through how I became who I am
Moments shaping me now
And the person I hope to be
One of the most amazing things
Something that is so hard to believe
Is how happy I am.
I'm so happy
I thought I'd never feel it again
This light
Bouncing around my soul
Lifting me up
I almost feel like I have wings
I find myself smiling
No particular reason why
I'm just happy
I've come so far
From not deserving happiness
Or life
Being trapped in my own self hate
Relying on the outside
Because I saw unworthy weakness inside
I twisted, contorted
Trying to earn affection
And trapped myself deeper and deeper
Digging the nails further in
But now....
Freedom....
Such Freedom
He's not hurting me anymore
I've washed away that pain
I let myself let go
And heal
I can stand on my own
Take care of myself
See the good in every day life
In all of the things around me
New people have come
And here's the next unbelievable thing--
They love me.
Even if they haven't known me long at all
Even though I'm this odd wild gal
They see something in me it seems
Something that's special
That has worth
And is worth cherishing
I still struggle to see what they see
What could be so great about me?
I'm not the smartest
The prettiest
Or the funniest
But it's ok
They see something anyway
Maybe it's because
Instead of focusing on the bad
I'm focusing on the good
On what I can do
I'm doing all I can
To deserve the love
To deserve the happy
They call me an inspiration
They tell me I'm beautiful
I just laugh it off still
But part of me ponders...
I trust their judgement in so much else
Why don't I trust it in this?
Maybe they're right....
There's stories far more amazing than mine
Still, it's a bit of a miracle I'm alive
I was strong enough to make it through that
I see my own strength now
Other women are far prettier
But I have some pretty cool eyes
And I try to live for others now
Because it's what makes me happy
Maybe that's the beautiful spirit they talk about
It's been a fear of mine
That when I die
It won't matter that I ever lived
But now I think maybe...
That won't happen.
I see the light I'm making myself
That I see in the little things
In the world around me
That's bouncing around inside
Going out
Being soaked up in others
Spreading.
My future is looking bright
It'll get even better from here
I know I can take the pain
So I'm letting myself live
I'm letting myself feel
I'm know I'm strong
And I can keep going forward
Confident
Happy
And part of it's because
I'm learning to love me
I was seven years old. My family had just finished the 12 hour drive home from spending a couple weeks up at Grandma's. We get the van unpacked, but before we spread out to get ready for bed, my dad tells us to get back in the van. He has a surprise for us. We were getting a puppy.
There had been some at my friend's dad's work, and though her family couldn't keep another dog, he'd asked my dad if we'd want one of them. So, that night, we went over to their house to get you.
You were already a few months old. Probably already a good foot high. You were almost completely black, except for a little white spot on your chest. You had floppy ears, a pink tongue, and a tail that loved to wag high in the air. We named you "Toby" after the dog in the movie The Mouse Detective.
Once we got you hope we took you out to the back yard. Light near the back door didn't seem to reach far beyond the patio. As we ran in circles around the playset, you kept disappearing into the shadows only to reappear somewhere different than I expected. How did such a little doggy move so fast?
We never played games like fetch with you because there was a two year old in the house and we didn't want you chewing on his toys. When you were in the house you spent most of your time in the kitchen. You wandered out onto the dining room sometimes, but you never went onto the carpeted areas. We didn't have to train you to do that; you just did it naturally. On special occasions, like Christmas, we'd call you out. You would take a few unsure steps onto the carpet, and then walk over to us and lay down wagging your tail.
I didn't teach you shake, I taught you "paw." It was basically the same as shake. When I said "other paw" you'd lift the other and I'd have a paw in each hand. I wasn't allowed to give you treats too often, but when I was you were always very gentle and polite about taking them.
When we went on trips, I always got the middle seat on the passenger side. I was the only one that liked sitting near you, and your spot was on the florin front of that seat. Sometimes your breath would be smelly when you breathed in my face, and you'd fog up the windows as you looked out them, but a lot of the time you would lay down and I could rest the pads of my feet on your fur and pet you. Your fur is rather course, but I don't mind
If we went on trips without my dad but took you with, it was my job to take care of you. I'd give you water and food, and take you out to run around. You stay in the basement at Grandma's. I don't think you mind it too much. There was that one time that I slept in the bedroom down there, and I called you in to sleep on the rug in that room. I remember I pet you for a while before I withdrew my hand to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to something wet and cold touching my hand. I'd rolled over and it had been hanging off of the edge of the bed, and you wanted to be pet. I chuckled at you, stroked your ears for a moment or two, then told you to lay down and rolled over to go back to sleep.
I was supposed to brush you at least once a week. I forgot to all of the time. You so enjoyed being brushed though. I should've brushed you more.
Once we moved you had a bigger space. At least half of the first floor was wood. Another baby joined the family, and you took his crying and crawling in stride. It was a little difficult for you when we got the pups though. What were these little fuzz balls doing in your kitchen? With time you've learned to accept, maybe even like them.
Now that I'm away, whenever I go home you come right over to me with your tail wagging. My mom has Tucker, my sister has Teddy, and I have you. The boys co-own you guys too, but mainly we women claim you guys.
I was always afraid that something would happen to you when I was away. Now you're sick. Mom says you seem better now, but I worry still.
I should be there
Don't you go anywhere while I'm gone
...even if you can't see it.
You've all heart this "sermon" from me before, but I feel the need to give it again.
This has been my motto since I was pretty young. Unfortunately I haven't always believed it.
I've talked to a lot of you here on dm. A lot of you have been through situations similar to mine, or are as depressed as I used to be.
I'm speaking to the latter right now: those who are crippled by pain and hopelessness and are about ready to give up... Or maybe already ready to give up.....
I'm not going to claim to know exactly what you're going through. Every life is different, and we are all in different places.
Here's what I do know:
I know what it's like to be ridiculed by the world.
I know what it's like to have no one stand up for me.
I know what it's like to feel completely alone.
I know what it's like to hear whispers, and know that they are laughing at me.
I know what it's like to betrayed by the person I trusted most.
I know what it's like to have that happen multiple times.
I know what it's like to be ignored by the people who should've been protecting me.
I know what it's like to cry myself to sleep every night.
I know what it's like to feel as if I must take care of everyone, and make the lives of everyone around me better.
I know what it's like to feel like a failure when they're not happy.
I know what it's like to completely devote my life to someone, and then have them leave.
I know what it's like to be manipulated and used.
I know what it's like to have my heart hacked into pieces and trampled upon and my soul rendered to a pulp
I know what it's like to have everything I had to give ripped away.
I know what it's like to feel so low and so worthless that there's no way that anyone could possibly really care about me.
I know what it's like to truly and deeply despise myself.
I know what it's like to feel like all I do is screw up, that everything I do just makes everything worse.
I know what it's like to be in so much pain internally that it leads to blood trickling down my arm...
I know what it's like to think... that the only good thing I can do for the world... is leave it.
And I know what it's like to try to do the world that favor.
Obviously, I didn't succeed. Now, going on a year of the time I started to recover, here is what I know now.
I know that there was something inside me that refused to give up.
I know that a similar something is inside of you.
I know that the sun really was still shining.
I know that if another cloud shall come, the sun will come out eventually.
I know that I grew so much from the pain.
I know that I can help others now because I went through it.
I know that I am strong enough to survive through that.
I know that I am a good person.
I know that I have a lot I can give to the world.
I know that people care, even if they don't always act like it.
I know that there is more to the world than just one person.
I know that there are people who look up to me.
I know that there are people who want to protect me.
I know that there is happiness in the world for me.
I know that I've found it.
I know that I am forgiven.
I know that I am loved.
I know that I am strong.
I know that I am precious.
I know that I am beautiful.
I know that my life means something.
And I know that I'm crying right now because I'm so thankful, and so filled with joy... So happy that my life didn't end a year ago.
I know I'm happy to be alive.
So take it from someone who knows--it does get better.
And remember...
and
I am always here if anyone needs to talk.
I love you all. Really.
~Heart
A little bit of background information is required for this one:
In case you guys didn't know, I am very Catholic, and very Pro-Life.
I've gone on the March for Life the last three years. In case you don't know what that is, it is the most underly covered protest in the United States. It has happened every year since Roe vs. Wade--39 years now. There are actually multiple marches across the U.S. on the anniversary of Roe. Vs. Wade.
The biggest one is in Washington D.C. The first year I went, there was an estimated 300,000 people there. The next year, 325,000. This year, 400,000 people marched from the Mall down to the Courthouse.
With the school's permission, we covered a field in the middle of campus with crosses. 3,500 of them--one for each child aborted in the U.S. every day. Since these were set up a little over 48 hours ago, there've been a few issues, including a boy ripping about 100 crosses out of the ground and then getting arrested, as well as a few picketers yelling at the people who started guarding the cemetery after that.
My friend Greg has been here since 3 pm. Other people have been coming and going. I stopped by on the way back from my club, and then as I continued the walk back to my dorm, a few things occurred to me. My first class in the morning is right next to that field. Tomorrow I have a long break in the middle of my day when I can nap.
So, at 11:30pm, I came back here, to the field, to help Greg as he guards throughout the night. Other people will come and go all night, but I'm staying here. If I need to sleep, I have a pillow and a small blanket along. I'll update this every now and then as I try to stay awake through the night.
First entry starting now:
2 am
I'm beginning to wish I'd thought to bring gloves. It feels colder than 40 (or 5 in Celsius) degrees. I have my broomball leggings and long socks on under my pants, and a sweatshirt and blanket on over my shirt. I really should have thought to bring gloves >.>
There's a game called Undead on my campus. It's kinda like insane mafia with zombies and nerf guns. It goes on at all hours for a week. Handkerchiefs denote who has what roles, but they don't know if a human has been turned to zombie until the noon of each day. At least that's my understanding. I've not gotten into it yet; but I want to. It seems fun, but even more time consuming than mafia.
One of the moderators is making sure that none of the players run across the field, for their own health and safety but out of respect for us too. His name is Rick. He's a deist and is rather neutral on this issue, but he respects what we're doing. He's gotten it so he can get from class to class in 30 seconds so he's not exposed for too long. He's also bought three nerf guns and then took them apart and combined them.
This seems like something my warder brothers would like ;)
This session of the game seems to be dying down now; it started around midnight. They're all going to bed.
I named this one cross Charlie. He had been knocked over.
There's so many of them......
My buddy Matt is sitting with me now. A few other people are sitting with us too, as well as Rick and another Undead player. Matt used to play they're swapping stories right now
I've done some studying for my ASL test tomorrow. My hands are too numb for that now though. Typing is getting a bit hard now. Oh wells I'll live. Can work on stories and essays and such tonight. Maybe I'll actually get caught up.
Gonna go do a round on dm and stuff. Be back later
4:10 am
Rick stayed for a while and we just talked about all sorts of stuff. He left around 3. Everyone else left a few minutes ago. We were watching videos for a while, and my friend Matt read Leelou and Tina's Bonding story in a very funny/dramatic voice--which was especially funny because he hasn't read the WoT books and so was even more confused than your average dmer would be. My hands feel warmer now. It might be because I'm sitting in a corner of the building out of the wind--still looking over the field. Greg is still here.
Ben (on of the Undead players) disappeared for a while then came back. He said it was tradition for him to stay up all night the first night of the game anyway and he thinks that this is a good cause etc etc. So now it's me, him and Greg. Greg is slipping in and out of consciousness, me and Ben are chatting about all sorts of random things--mostly Undead and some campus.
Greg is snoring now so I'm assuming he's asleep :P
Should do my extra credit for tomorrow soon... Graaaaaaaah......
No activity as far as people trying to get crosses... Hopefully there won't be any
5:50 am
The birds are starting to wake up.
Still just me Greg and Ben. Neither Ben or I has slept. Greg's dozed some, but after all of the time he's put in, he deserves a snooze.
A few people are starting to walk across campus. It's getting a bit more frequent. I hear voices far away. Ben say's I'd be good at Undead because I've heard a few footsteps before he did. I don't know if I'd be able to handle watching every where all of the time for a week though.... Still, it'd be interesting to try. I might do it next year.
I'm afraid about what's going to happen in the next 2-3 hours. Campus will wake up and people will start protesting with the picket signs again and who knows what else.
I found out a bit more about the boy who was arrested. His story is a sad one--and apparently there was a death to someone close to him caused by an abortion, so I understand a bit more about where he's coming from. He still shouldn't have reacted in the way he did.
The way people react can affect things a lot. React with anger, and it'll just create more anger more likely than not. That's why the world's going haywire. I try not to respond with anger, though I don't succeed all of the time. I know my temper is one of my greatest faults. I do believe I've gotten better over the years though.
I think I'm doing good. Not quite slapstick happy yet. Got most of my extra credit due!!! Woot!!!!
I'm getting colder now all of a sudden.... This is strange because I was feeling rather content there for a while.... Interesting..... Oh wells. Well, time to go finish that extra credit
7:10 am
Well, I'm going on 8 hours out here, 22 hours awake. The dining hall opens in about 20 minutes. FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Warm food. It is definitely colder now than it was during the night. It's like the winds of this school stopped at night :P
Greg has now feel relieved by Alisha.
I finished my extra credit (will be going to print that out after I get the foods) and also have wrote a paper I've been putting off all semester.
I am to report that the "Undead maniac sitting sitting next to me is of the belief that he is protecting me from the zombie scourge." We're both slap happy at this point :P it's kinda fun. Alisha's patrolling a lot more than Greg did. But then again, I was only there when Greg was tired and when it was night. The sun is coming up now and the sky is beginning to look more blue than gray.
We had the head of the secular society come up and just talk to us earlier. He was just checking up on us. It's nice that people are polite.
Hopefully today will go well....
8:00 am
Hopefully the sun coming up will make it warm soon. It really does seem like it dropped 10 degrees all of a sudden. I did not want to leave the dining hall.
I've been awake about 23 hours and it's really hitting me now. My class is in an hour and a half and lasts an hour and 15 minutes.... I really don't know if I'm going to make it, but I'll try! Gonna sleep after this class for sure
Ben is gone, and right now it's just Alisha. I left to go print something out but will go back there for the last hour. Alisha has a class at 9:30 as well so hopefully someone else comes
9:30 am
My watch is officially over. I've been awake over 24 hours. I'm going to class, and then I will go take a 3 hour nap before taking my ASL test :D
The guy who got arrested yesterday was out with a sign today.
The head of the secular society on campus is being really cool with us (he actually stopped by around 5:30 to see how we were doing) and talked for him for a while and just said that while he didn't want to vandalize, he wasn't sorry about what he did.
I've heard from another source that something really bad in his family happened and an abortion could have prevented it apparently. I don't know the full details so I won't judge. No matter what the case, he reacted badly.
Class now.
Heart, Nightwatchwoman, signing off
For one of my classes, I needed to write a Creative Nonfiction story. Of course, I wrote it about my Grandpa. Some of you will know some of this already. I hope the rest of you enjoy :)
Eagle’s Flight
“They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings;
They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.”
~Isaiah 40:31
In my front left pocket there is a bullet shell. I hold it whenever I think of you. Sometimes, when I feel stressed or upset, I suddenly realize that I’m clutching it in my hand, running my thumb over the grooves of the inscription on it. It’s a link to you, Grandpa.
Ian has one of the other shells, and Jennifer another. I’m not sure what happened to the other 18. I assume they were given to other family members. I hope their bullet shell means as much to them as mine does to me. I’m never without mine.
When I hold it, I can feel your strength. I can feel you here with me again.
You joined the family around the same time my mom did. I think she liked you right away.
My uncles didn’t know what to think of you. When we were all sitting around remembering you, Uncle Craig said that he had given you a really hard time at first. What was this man doing marrying his mom? I never got to hear the end of that story. Maybe I’ll ask him to finish it sometime.
My dad hasn’t ever really said what his first impressions of you were. I’ll definitely have to ask him that.
Grandma loved you though. Well, you wouldn’t have ever joined the family if she hadn’t loved you!
I spend a lot more time with Grandma now that I’m in college. I go stay with her long weekends often, and she picks me up for breaks so my parents can drive less.
Aunt Addie is staying with her right now. She had another surgery on one of her hips, and Grandma’s taking care of her while she can’t move around very much. It’s nice visiting the both of them. Aunt Addie and I will chat while doing stuff on our computers, and I’ll also help Grandma in the kitchen or fetch things for Aunt Addie. It’s nice and relaxing.
Grandma enjoys having us there. She’s used to having someone else around, so I think we help fill the emptiness you left behind to some extent. She has someone to take care of and talk to and cook for.
We can’t take your place though.
No matter how much I want to be, though, I can’t be you.
I wonder if you ever knew how much you inspired me.
Remember that one time, when you where helping my dad finish the basement at our old house? I told you I wanted to be a carpenter just like you. You told me not to be. You told me to study hard, and go into a profession. You wanted me to go show the world what I was made of.
Yeah, I remember that. I was only, what? Eight? It stayed with me. A lot of things you said and did have.
I think about you all of the time. I can’t believe it’s already been a year. Have you really been gone that long? How did the world manage to survive more than a few days without you?
I’ve been told about the first time I stayed with you and Grandma. Grandma was still working at the time, and since you worked from home, you watched me. Since you’d never had any children of your own, you didn’t exactly know how to handle a one year old who was running everywhere.
Grandma laughs as she recalls walking in the door and seeing me tottering about in a diaper with my hair all wild, laughing as you chased me. Apparently by the end of that week you had figured out how to get me to sit still long enough to get me dressed--though my clothes didn’t match.
It didn’t matter that you hadn’t had a family “of your own” before us; you were all we could have asked for. You were always there for us, and loved us with all you had.
Spencer’s Confirmation was a few months ago. Grandma came and picked me up for it. I sat next to her during it. In the middle of the service, I suddenly felt you there. I felt you smiling. I knew Grandma felt you too, because she started crying right at that moment. I knew you were sharing that happy moment with us. You were at his Confirmation, just like you had been at mine. You were still with us, here for us, at all of these special things. I should have known that you wouldn’t have missed his Confirmation. Church had always been important to you. You lived in a way that reflected your love of God.
I try to emulate that too.
When I went back to Grandma’s last I asked her a few things about you. I learned about how you and her met not too long after my birth Grandpa died. She told me about how she knew you were special after you searched hours for her wedding rings that she’d dropped in the yard.
I’d known that you’d been in the Canadian Armed Forces, what I hadn’t known is that you were a pilot in World War Two. Is that why I love the thought of flying?
One thing that I had never had an inkling of is that you had been married before. Your first wife died right around when my birth grandpa did.
How did I never know these things? Why did I never ask? Looking back now, knowing how much I wish I knew these things, it’s hard to think that maybe it wasn’t important to me back then.
Maybe I was simply too distracted with being Grandpa’s Girl.
You were always so strong; so full of joy, no matter what happened. When things started getting bad, you kept that smile on your face. You kept laughing and kept us smiling and laughing with you. Even though you had to be scared, you had to be hurting, you kept going. I try to be like that. I try to be strong like you.
There’s been a lot of times in the last year and a half that I haven’t felt strong. In the months before you left, there were so many confusing and hurtful things happening in my life. Most of the time, I felt abandoned and completely alone.
When I saw you, and you still gave me those huge hugs from your wheelchair, the ones that seemed to be trying to squeeze all of the sad out of me, I felt safe again. I felt like I was allowed to be happy again. My heart could spread its wings. There was peace.
I’d close my eyes and breathe in. You smelled like sawdust, beer, and yourself.
I loved your home in North Carolina. You built a house in the Smokey Mountains when you were seventy, and you did it almost completely on your own! Everything about it was perfect; how it was made of wood and stone, how there were skylights in the entryway, and a wraparound porch. I loved the window seats, the stone fireplace that reached to the vaulted ceilings, the swimming pool at the side of the house.
I remember snuggling on your lap as you played cards at the dining room table, and watching you and my dad playing pool in the basement. I remember you pushing me on the swing in the doorway of your workshop.
Yeah, I remember that too. I was probably only four. I remember sitting in that blue baby swing, knowing that you were behind me, doing something back where I wasn’t supposed to go. I’d hear you sawing or hammering, and the smell of sawdust filled the air.
When I swung forward I’d look right and see the road and the rise of the mountain. I’d close my eyes and feel the wind playing with the bits of hair that had escaped my ponytail.
Then I’d swing back and be in the cool dark of the workshop, I could look around and see a few tools and planks of wood that you kept near the door. Usually I just looked forward at the wooden siding of the house, waiting.
I’d swing forward again, back out into the warm sun, and I’d look right, being able to see down the slope of the back yard and the trees lining it. Though I couldn’t see it, I knew the creek was down there, because you had taken me to it before, holding my hand to make sure I didn’t slip and fall in.
When I started to slow down I’d call for you. I’d hear the buzz of the drill stop, hear the clank as you set down the wood and tools, and the thump of your footsteps as you walked over to me. You’d lean over into my line of sight ask if I was ready. I’d excitedly say yes. Your face would disappear, and I’d wait. Suddenly I’d jerk forward and start laughing and yelling “wheeeeeeeeee!!!” Then you went back to work until I called your name again.
I think it was hard for you when you had to stop working a few years ago because of the health problems. You had always been such a hard worker. You always had some project you were working on, be it for a job or just something for a member of the family.
I’m planning on taking the rocking chair that you made for me when I was small with me when I start my own family. It’s a beautiful and comfortable little rocking chair. At least you were able to make one for Joey before you couldn’t work in your workshop any more.
You kept that smile on your face. Maybe you felt useless, like I think I would feel in that situation, but you still kept that smile.
Another vivid memory I have of that house is your bald eagle collection. They sat above the bookcase, across from the stairs to the basement and the side of the fireplace. They would catch the sun that fell in from the skylights. Statues, pictures, and the stuffed animal that I wasn’t allowed to play with.
You’re the reason I love bald eagles. I’d stare at the collection, and I’d marvel at the beauty, strength, determination and freedom that seemed to come off of them.
A lot of times when I was there I’d eventually ask to be read to; you had pooh bear books on the bottom shelf of that huge bookcase. Usually it was my mom that read to me, but you did a few times. I wonder if I got my love of reading from you too. It seems that whenever I think of something defining about myself, I can connect it back to you. You’re such a big part of me.
It was a Wednesday. March 16, 2011. I got home from school and mom told me that you were in the hospital again. They thought you weren’t going to make it this time. Even though they had said that before, I started packing my bags immediately. It would be nice to see you and everyone else.
I didn’t want to admit to myself that something felt different.
You had many health problems the last few years. You’d had the shingles and some blood issues. The blood thinners had caused some other problem so they took you off of them. That’s when you got the clot in your leg, and it had to be amputated right above the knee.
You took losing your leg with such grace though. You got a prosthetic, did all of the therapy with that determination, optimism, and stubbornness that only you could, and started walking around with a cane in no time. That smile was still on your face. You were still so strong.
Dad and I were going to drive up that night. I had emailed my teachers and let them know that I was visiting my Grandpa in the hospital. My dad ended up having to work on other stuff and was exhausted by the time he was ready to leave. He said we’d leave early in the morning and I’d get to see you the next day.
I wonder if anyone told you I was coming.
It seemed like just when you were getting around well with the prosthetic and the cane that you got the blood clot in the other leg. Another amputation, this time six inches below the waist. You said you’d get another prosthetic. You told Aunt Addie, who had been recovering from yet another leg surgery, that you’d both be dancing on two legs again by summer.
I believed you. I know that we all die eventually, and that things weren’t looking good for you, but you had already lived through so much....
I thought you were invincible.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. When I finally fell asleep, I had restless, cloudy dreams filled with swirling gray patterns. I was afraid, panicked, and I needed to do something before I ran out of time. That’s all I remember, that, and a golden white light. It outshone the gray, and I was flying, and then everything faded away.
I saw you in early January. We played cribbage, and sat and chatted about whatever either of us thought of, and had more of those amazing hugs. Then I told you I’d see you soon. That’s what I said; “I’ll see you soon.” I never said “goodbye.”
I woke up the moment Mom’s hand touched the door handle. I knew. Even before the door opened and I saw the look on her face, I knew.
A seizure. That’s what did it. After all you had done, after all you had lived through, a seizure is what did it.
Thursday, March 17th, 2011 at 2:11 am, you went to heaven.
Shock.
That whole day I either cried or just sit looking off into space. I couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t be gone. You were invincible. You couldn’t be gone. I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye.
In some ways that hurt almost as much as you leaving.
I’d spent months in torment, feeling alone and meaningless.
You hadn’t waited to say goodbye to me.
Why didn’t you wait?
I thought I was your girl...
You couldn't be gone.
Your coffin was short, because you didn’t have legs from the knee down. I noticed that. Of all things to notice that day, I noticed that.
I also noticed that the body in the coffin didn’t look like you. You smiled. The face I saw wasn’t smiling.
Your hands were warm, and somehow calloused and soft at the same time. I touched the hands folded inside the coffin for just an instant as I whispered goodbye, trying to make peace with the gaping hole in my heart. Those hands were cold and hard. Not yours.
You were all about the grandkids. Jared, Ian, Spencer and the other older boy cousins carried your coffin. Marissa, Jennifer, and I did the readings. I read Ecclesiastes 3: 1-11. Even though I knew how to say it, my tongue wouldn’t work and I mispronounced “Ecclesiastes.” It was ok though, because I read the rest of it well, and it was one of your favorite Bible verses. Another Bible verse kept running through my head that day, one I felt like was a special verse we shared love of: Isaiah 40:31.
That whole morning, I didn’t cry. Not when we were in the funeral home sharing stories and staring at the body that was similar to you in appearance. Not when the short coffin was carried into the large sanctuary. Not when I was up at the front of the church, reading in front of those gathered to remember you. I was in a numb daze.
All of us where gathered outside. They carried the coffin out. They honored your military service in Canada.
Seven guns went of three times. A three-shot volley.
I staggered a little as the first shot went off. The sound pierced through the fog surrounding me, and went straight to my heart. Jennifer started crying.
As the second shot went off tears blurred my eyes as the sound rattled around inside me and shook my soul.
The tears fell with the third shot.
The blasts shook something free; the clamp biting down on my heart released, the cloud that had been in me around since Wednesday night dispersed.
After all of the formalities were over we spent a lot of time on the front steps of the church. We were hugging, we were crying. But more than that, we smiled. We laughed!
We’d had you for an extended time in a way; you probably shouldn’t have lasted as long as you did. We'd been blessed to have extra time to spend with you. So we gathered and remembered all of the amazing moments we’d you and us had shared.
The world went on without you. I got even worse for a while after you left, but then I slowly got better.
I felt you there with me through the summer as I began to recover. Now I’m happy again. I’m free.
I’m not mad at you anymore. It took me a really long time to admit to myself that I was. I’m not now. It’s ok that “you didn’t wait for me,” that “I didn’t get to say goodbye.”
It wasn’t goodbye. You’re still with me. You didn’t leave me.
The engraving on my bullet shell helps me remember that you’re with me, and that I need to stay strong and keep looking up because I can make it.
It says “On Eagle’s Wings”
I can’t wait to see you again someday, once my work in this life is done.
Until then, I miss you every day, I love you, and I hope I’m making you proud.
~Mikayla
Me and Grandpa
All of the Grandkids and 2/3 Great Grandkids at the church after the "formalities"
Last night I stayed up later than I usually do, knowing that I could sleep in today because my morning classes were cancelled. My spring break officially starts tomorrow, but students have been leaving since Wednesday evening. It's ironic. Right around the time I fell asleep, so did three other students of my school.
The difference between us is, I woke up this morning.
I didn't think anything of the fact that my roommate didn't come back last night around 10pm-midnight like she usually does. She sleeps over at her sorority house often. So when I finally went to bed around 2 am, I snuggled in, but it took me a little while to fall asleep.
This morning I sorta woke up when my roommate came in. She didn't stay long but I remember opening my eyes enough to see her moving around before falling back into the world of dreams.
Then around 9 I woke up for real feeling very groggy. I'd been woken by my phone and couldn't go back to sleep despite the fact that I was still tired. I felt sore and achy. Oh great I thought I'm probably going to have a fever here soon. Excellent way to start off break.
I managed to drag myself out of bed for some last minute studying and packing, but first I checked my email and Facebook like I normally do. The first email had the subject "tragic news." Through that email, Facebook, and the news, I found out that around 2:30 am, 5 girls of my school were headed to the airport on the interstate. They were headed off to spring break. An older woman driving the opposite way crossed the median and hit them head on. The investigators suspect that the driver of the student's car wouldn't have even seen the other driver coming.
The driver of the other car and three of these young women were killed. The other two are still in the hospital with severe injuries. All of the students were sisters in my roommate's sorority.
It's pouring down rain here today. They almost match the tears that those gals are crying. You see, there was a memorial service of sorts at my church for the girls that had passed. I got there a little early because I hang out at my church a lot. I was looking out the door when I noticed a group of people coming down the street.
It was a powerful sight, seeing the women round the corner and come into the church's courtyard. Most of them didn't have umbrellas, they just had the rain falling on them. They walked in ranks of three, hands joined, trying to be strong together.
Behind them were people of other sororities and fraternities and students like me who are just normal non-greek people.
I didn't know any of the lives that were lost this morning, but my heart reaches out and weeps for all of those feeling the deep sting of loss today. My tiny church was filled with the sobs and tears of those sisters...
Always remember how precious your life is, and how quickly it can change. Even end. Don't hold anger inside towards someone, because you might never get the chance to make things right with that person. Every second could be your last. As I sit in here, I could die. There was a shooting in a high school a few hours away less than a week ago (interestingly, there were also three killed and two wounded in that). There could very well be one here, in my safe little dining hall.
"The day we're born, we start to die; don't waste one minute of this life--GET TO LIVING"
Please pray for the souls of those lost, for the healing of those hospitalized, and for the sisters and blood family of those involved in the accident. And please PLEASE.... Don't take life for granted.
So lately I have been plagued by the sleep monster again; not getting to sleep easily and not staying asleep and waking up unable to go back to sleep, so I decided to do this again :P
It took a while. I've had a lot of good times here :P I think I got most of the important stuff though....
Same four SGs, still not doing any of them justice.
These are for the most part in chronological order.
It's amazing how much I've grown up since July.......... Am I still fun?
You will not be able to see all of these because I included a few from the private boards. Those who are part of those groups can enjoy though :D
Ok, in reverse alphabetical order just because I'm strange like that:
Wolfkin
General Wolf Pics
The Album
Joining the Wolfkin
My First Puppy Adventure (I sprayed my momma!!!)
Random Fun
Me Being Hyper (I mean more than usual)
Another Puppy Adventure
Wolf Scene I Wrote
We Kidnapped The Amyrlin Seat
Me Being Hyper Again
I Became a Mum :D
Short Random Fun
Other Random Fun
More Random Fun (Post #23 amused me)
The Sleepy Thread that Turned into an Adventure.....
Cuteness
The Lakes
Why Wolves Love Lime
This Made Me Laugh
I'm Nice to Pups
White Tower
My Name Is [insert Name], and I am a WOTaholic
A Fun Party
Warders Dance?!!?!?!
Mother's Office
Mills Making Me Smile
Pirate Battle in the Moat
Fnorrll's Quarters
My Commanding Officer Abandoned Us (probably because he wanted a better place to live :P )
Ed's Office
A Sparkling Sunshining Happy Event <3 (I became Leelou's Warder)
Channelling My Frustration Into Something Positive (post #12 is the best one)
Leelou's Class' Fieldtrip to the Warders
The Day the WT Went to the Taint (or just went crazy without the Taint :P )
Me Summing Up the WT Going Nuts
Me Making the WT Reflect That Fact (by making it the Painted Tower)
Mills' Quarters
Ed Admitting That He Loves My Little Pony
Harry Potter vs. Twilight
Funny Craziness
DoubleTyn's Quarters
GIF war :D
Black Tower
many good picture trains, a pyramid night with meesh, and so much more
Joined the Black Tower
A Fun Story Game
I Blame People.....
...In Two Threads By Accident
A Bonding Ceremony Between Two Friends of Mine (...That.....Was....Never.... Finished?)
A Game I Enjoyed Hosting
We Figured Out Why I Can't Sleep
Tainted Christmas Carols
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!!!
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
Funny AMoL Prediction
The Lion King is Awesome
A Shakesphere Bedtime Story
A Fun Game
Me Being A Nut (Again)
An Awesome Equation
Aiel
The Joke Thread
WoT Lolz
A Poem I Wrote
Hosting My First Contest (Which caused me to become Tainted)
Funny WoT Quotes
A Fun Story Game...
...And the Story That ResultedFrom It
First Duty as Head Wise One
Cute Proposal Ideas
FUNNY Web of Love
Spears and Hearts Dance
I haven't written here in a while. I've missed it. There's just so much to do these days!!!!!!
I made the brilliant decision to take 6 classes this semester :P And I believe one of them meant for students a year older than me and another is meant for students 2 years older than me. Oops! :P So far I'm doing alright though--even though I've had to drop out of mafia :P
Mafia got addicting.... hehehee......
But yeah between that and the different clubs and stuff I'm in plus becoming staff in the Aiel and doing all sorts of other projects blogging just kinda slipped away....
Oh and a little update that some of you might be interested in: there's this guy who really really likes me. There's a lot of little things about him that I like. But... a) I'm good being single for a while. I know I'm not ready to start something else yet. b) idk... The feelings aren't quite as.... deep/big as I'd like them to be when I start dating someone.... But anyways he and I hang quite a bit and he compliments me all of the time and give pretty good hugs... Who knows? The future is ambiguous.
I've been feeling really nostalgic lately. You don't realize as days are passing just how quickly they're slipping away. It's January again already. At times it seems like it's only been a few weeks ago that all of that drama was going on. Yet... What would have been Tristan and mine's second anniversary passed a week and a half ago. As did the March for Life. The first time I went on that was right after he and I got together, the second time I went he went with me. It was a week or so before he left. And soon will be a year from when he left me. Then will be a year from all of the blurry dark days.
Here's the thing though: as the one year "anniversary" of these times pass, I'm able to overwrite them. January 18th passed without me even thinking about it being our anniversary--it didn't occur to me until the next evening when I was telling a friend what the date was.
It didn't even occur to me.
Then when I was in D.C. I thought about him a time or two but more than that I was enjoying being with my friends and soaking in all of the amazing things I saw and was a part of.
I'm making new memories.
Isn't that amazing!?!?!?!??! Shows how far I've come.... I still dream about him sometimes, and in those dreams things are right again, but in real life, I know that.... I'd not be able to date him again. I highly doubt he'd be willing to do what it would take for him to get my trust back. And beyond that.... I don't want him back. In a way I realized at the time how bad he was treating me. I know that he may feel sorry for it but... He tore me apart and then made me think it was completely my fault. Part of me knew better but the rest of me started to slowly self destruct. I'm better now. I don't want to go back to that.
I'm better. I'm happy. I don't need him anymore. I don't want him anymore. I barely even think about him anymore in my normal day to day life, let alone miss him. It's just now when I'm letting myself reflect that I ponder.... Just how far I've come.
I'm not "His Woman" anymore. I belong to God and me. And for a while that's how it's gonna be. Because that's how it should be.
I feel so free.....
I really love dm. It's one of my two homes.
This is where it seems like time has sped forward. Have I really only been here less than 7 months?????? Seems like years.
I envy those of you who have been on for years. You saw dm back when it was hopping. Back in the glory days. With a project I'm doing in the wolfkin, I've been taking a look back at those days, and feeling like I missed out by not reading the series sooner and being a part of that.
I feel like we need to preserve it in some way... I wonder if that's what I'm trying to do with the threads I spent half the night collecting (will post those here some other time). There's so many good times here.....
Well, I should sleep. I was planning on sleeping 4 hours ago, and was tired enough 6 hours ago but I kept finding something to do!!! Silly sleep monster.
So check my things one more time, then sleep
Good night dm :)
Here I am, unable to sleep once again. There's too many thoughts swirling through my head.
It is times like these when it is abundantly clear to me why books have always been my best friends
The pages become your world. You feel tense during the battles, happy when something works out, nostalgic during reunions. You grow close to the characters and feel truly emotionally invested in their hopes and fears
You can hate a character, and want to shake them and throw them off a cliff. You can get so scared by something in the book that you can't fall asleep that night because you think you see a myrddraal coming. You can be disgusted or upset by something that happens. But the thing is, you love it there.
Books have always been my escape. Through all of the drama and hardship I've been through, I've always just escaped to my books. Books are safe. A character can die or something else can happen that will leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, but you can start the book over and there they'll be, alive and happy again.
And the thing with book is.... Well, you may wonder at times how the ending will turn out. You may wonder how everything can possibly turn out alright--how the ending could possibly be good. But in the end, somewhere inside, you know that there'll be a happy ending. (I know, not all books have happy endings, and the feeling you get depends on how the ending was but.... They still leave you with that something. You feel a little more complete upon finishing.) Everything will turn out ok.
Happy endings aren't guaranteed in real life. I've freaked out about this in the past. It's when I've turned to God and my books. Then I can forget, for just a little while, what that girl said about me. I can forget that they're fighting again. I can forget that my best friend's boyfriend might be cheating on her. I can forget that he dumped me.
Now, I get along most of the time just fine. But it's nice to have that escape. Because once you open a book, the rest of the world disappears
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*Looks up at new page break thingy and nods* I think I'll keep it. Opinions?
I haven't really been saying much lately, but, then again, "no news is good news" after all, isn't it? :P
Well it is in this case!!! Life's been really good lately :D Hectic between finals and stuff at church and trying to do a few different things on dm, but really good :D
Been hanging out a lot with rl friends, watching movies and such, and as much as I love you guys it's nice to be with people physically sometimes :P
Then apparently I'm somewhat good at mafia so that has me rather happy.
Then right now is the added bonus that
MY FINALS ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!
I'm done with my first semester of college..... I feel old again :P
But I officially got A's in two of my classes and a B in Russian (you guys probably know how much I was freaking about that!!!). Still waiting on the other two. Feeling a bit nervous about Astronomy but I should be ok.... Stats I know I did well in :D
Oh.... And then I also met a guy who's pretty awesome and nice--and I think he likes me!!!! I know, not jumping into a relationship yet; still waiting a while. But.... teehee :P
But it isn't really any of those things that are making me happy. They're contributing a ton but I just feel.... Glowy. All on my own. I feel so... Confident right now. It's a good feeling. It's been years since I felt this... solid.
I'm forgiven. I've been thinking a lot about all of that crap with Tristan lately, and I'm letting go completely, piece by piece. I'm forgiving myself. That's a key to this I think. I'm not hating myself anymore. I'm not beating myself up and telling myself that.
I'm loved. Oh I am sooooo loved!!! People spend time that they don't have to with me!!! And they are doing it more than they would if they just were feeling sorry for me or something. People like spending time with me!!! And they listen--they really hear me!!! People actually want to me around me.... Wow :D
I'm pure. Once again, related to "forgiven" but it's super important for me to remember. All of that yucky stuff isn't on my soul anymore. It's not on my heart anymore. I'm not going to let it come back.
I'm strong. I can take care of myself. I don't need someone else to make me happy. I'm just being me and I'm not going to be afraid anymore. There are people who love me for who I am and if someone has a problem with me I'm not going to let them be my problem, because soon they won't matter any anyway.
I am beautiful. Still working on this one but... :) I look past my flaws when I look in the mirror, and I'm liking what I see. And anyone who matters is going to see that too.
I said at one point that I felt like a fallen angel. That I'd once been so happy and so involved in church and in tune with God and all of that, and then I'd lost it. I'd been miserable and screwed up and hating myself and my life. I didn't know God anymore. I didn't know myself anymore. I was down on the ground, barely able to move. A fallen angel, who'd lost her wings and stranded herself to the ground
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f89ZbIMnqTs
I believe that this fallen angel has her wings back.
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"Home is where the heart is" is probably one of the most well known sayings anywhere. It's become so well known and "cliche" that people don't really think about it anymore.
Lately, though, the truth of those six words is really hitting me.
Where ever your heart is, is where you want to be
Where ever your heart is, you feel accepted
Where ever your heart is, you feel loved.
Where ever your heart is, you feel safe
And what is a home, if not a place you want to be, a place where you feel accepted, loved and safe? Some people are blessed enough to have multiple homes of this kind. I myself have 3, and two of them can go with me most anywhere I go. One is church. Can you guess the other?
I wish I had started reading this series when I was 10 or 11. I read LotR at that age and digested it fine. These WoT books were my safe haven in a dark time, and they led me here
I wish I'd discovered dm years ago, so I could have seen it back in its busy prime, could have watched it grow and develop... That I could have been a part of this amazing place sooner
From the night I joined, this has been a home to me. I instantly felt like I belonged, which has only ever happened one other place. I didn't have to carve out a corner for myself and then reach out from there; I just fit right in--like there was already a spot where Aiel Heart was supposed to be.
There are such amazing and fun people here, and I feel blessed to call some of them my friends. I can look to the people here to make me smile, extend a hand, or go crazy with me.
Maybe this site will end in the next year, or maybe it'll stay for many years to come. All I know is that I'm grateful that I have it now
Because every time I get on dm, I come home
